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Willsucceed's NC diary
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I HATE SPAM! Read Our Privacy PolicyPosted 3 months ago vandy2159
offlineMemberI am very impressed with your plan that you have outlined...you have been very strong during this whole time. I have no idea what you are about to go through because I have never been married...however i do understand the heart break and i am sure it will be a roller coaster that day...However you seem so strong that you will not be down very long. You are doing great!
Posted 3 months ago #-
jasmine
offlineInactiveHey WS,
I am so happy to see you evolved to such an extent where you are so much in control of yourself :-)Hope everything goes the way you have planned it and will pray you managing everything nicely on that day...you can also look at the positive side that you are going to be free from pain and will get your freedom back
Stay strong & positive
Take care,
JasminePosted 3 months ago # -
Pixie
offlineMemberWS you are doing great, you are facing your divorce with such dignity & grace :-)it is great that you have made plans to occupy yourself that day & i know you will make it through the day smiling. Everyone on the forum is here for you if you need that added support!
Keep strong!xx
Posted 3 months ago # -
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Posted 2 months ago willsucceed
offlineMemberPixie, thanks. I made it through my first Thanksgiving holiday yesterday in my new life. It went well, was sad sometimes, but I went for a run with my friend and that took care of it. We had a great meal and conversation and watched a really interesting movie. We have full and interesting days planned and then I fly back.
For significant days, taking the time and effort to create a day where I am busy and connected has been the right thing for me to do. To plan the days I think about what would help and ask people if they mind being part of my day. When I wake up on the day, I feel solid knowing I have a plan in place and that I'm not facing it alone.
As time continues to move forward, we all make it through these "firsts" and that only means that the next time will be much easier. I feel hope when I think of next Thanksgiving and how much further along I will be. By next Thanksgiving I plan to be well into indifference and past the stage of forgiveness.
Yesterday I was thankful for a great friend, for reconnecting with people at a company I really enjoyed working at, for a healthy body and opportunities to keep it in shape, for new friends where I live, for making an advance in my career right now, for a career that I really enjoy, and for a future filled with opportunity, friends, and family.
Posted 2 months ago #-
willsucceed
offlineMemberFinally, finally, finally I am feeling pissed off. It may just be natural anxiety associated with the imminent divorce date, but I want to just ream him for fucking with me while I was naively trusting him. He must have really enjoyed that. Fortunately I have zero, no it's stronger than zero, I have negative interest in breaking NC.
I longed for this anger and it is a good sign, but now I want to get to indifference even faster. Now I want indifference because he's just not worth it.
Posted 2 months ago # -
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Posted 2 months ago -
stay strong there WS. Don't give him the pleasure to see your reaction like this. *big hugs*
God grant me the serenity to accept things that I cannot change....
The first step toward change is acceptance.
Change is not something you do, it's something you allow.
Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you.Posted 2 months ago # -
samxarra
offlineMemberWillsucceed, getting angry is good. It's healing. Get it off your chest by running or ripping newspapers up, but, you must hold composure when you see him.
We women have dignity. That's something that they cannot take away from us! They can try, but hold grace in your dignity as a woman and NEVER let him break you.
Stay strong gf! Think 'divorce is good. divorce rids me of trash that someone else picks up!'
Keep calm and carry on.Posted 2 months ago # -
willsucceed
offlineMemberHello everyone, thanks for your responses and let me clarify. My anger is not at anything recent--I have zero contact with him in any form except for paperwork about the divorce that is through the lawyers. I am finally angry at what he did the past 1-3 years before he left. He established a new relationship(s) while he was planning on leaving ours. He was a liar and played me for the fool while I got him a job here. He has sent me emails recently, but I don't know their content because they go to a folder where I don't have to see them. They will be deleted immediately after the divorce is signed.
I haven't been able to understand why I've only felt hurt and guilty (doesn't make sense I know), and not angry. I am finally angry, which is better than hurt. Don't worry I would never give him the power of letting him know that I am angry with him.
I want to just run and run beyond my current 7 mile limit with this energy I have and am aggravated that I could injure my body, which would be bad. So, I am limiting myself to 7 miles, but there is a difference between now and before. Before I exercised because my body was anxious and secreting a lot of adrenalin. Now I run because it is a new development for me--a new identity. I am a runner. Today I want to run because it feels glorious with the energy of anger.
Posted 2 months ago # -
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Posted 2 months ago -
vandy2159
offlineMemberAnger + Working out (running) = Very impressive results
I know the hurt part is rough it brings you down a lot...however when you hit the anger part of the recovering process it is like what the hell! The light bulb goes on...and then you get an adrenaline rush like no other...Dont go over your 7 mile limit...just see how fast you can make it you are doing great
Posted 2 months ago # -
willsucceed
offlineMemberI wish I was still angry. It's the weekend before the divorce and it's hard. I just woke up from a dream where I was just screaming and screaming my pain out and that's how I feel. I hope I bounce back after the court date on Monday. Being back to these intense feelings of hurt and pain is very hard.
It will get better
I won't always feel like this
I will actually be happy this happened one day
I can make it through thisPosted 2 months ago # -
samxarra
offlineMemberYes you can and you will, WS!
The day when you tell us that you are totally indifferent will be the day I ask you to pop a bottle of champagne and get happy!
Good luck on Monday. Keep cool and calm. Hold your head up high and please look ridiculously hot!:D You gotta show what all those running has done for you.
Keep calm and carry on.Posted 2 months ago # -
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Posted 2 months ago willsucceed
offlineMemberDamn, I'm also back to how wonderful he was and what a shallow and horrible person I am and how I can see why he doesn't want to live with me. I hate being in this place. I will begin right now to fast forward and my gratitude list.
I am thankful for my health.
I am thankful for my career.
I am thankful for my friends.
I am thankful for my future.
I am thankful that I am warm and dry.
I am thankful for my dog who has been through a divorce with me.Posted 2 months ago #-
samxarra
offlineMemberwillsucceed said:
Damn, I'm also back to how wonderful he was and what a shallow and horrible person I am and how I can see why he doesn't want to live with me. I hate being in this place.Don't kick yourself out as such. He WAS wonderful, but then he didn't keep being wonderful for you. He changed and did not bring you along to change together!
You must not do this to yourself. We all aren't flawless but if you think this of yourself, you will hold on to bad feelings and it will reverse back on you (I got a reminder from Scott about LOA, so I'm relaying back to you.)
Stay strong!
Keep calm and carry on.Posted 2 months ago # -
willsucceed
offlineMemberKeep your eye on the "real" prize, your happiness, and you will get everything you deserve. You do not need your ex to be happy, and once you truly understand that, everything will change for the better. Stay Strong and Positive!
That was exactly what I needed to read this morning.
Posted 2 months ago # -
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Posted 2 months ago willsucceed said:
I'm also back to how wonderful he was and what a shallow and horrible person I am and how I can see why he doesn't want to live with me. I hate being in this place.No one is that "wonderful", or that "horrible".
We are a little bit of both, hopefully more wonderful, than horrible, but it is what we strive for everyday to keep the balance, and stay more positive than negative.
Whatever you "were" you have to let go, and focus on what you are right now.
I know about bad memories, I have them too.
Sometimes I wish I could get my memory erased, but it must serve some kind of purpose, a good purpose.
Just focus on what good things you can do today, and forgive yourself for whatever you did wrong in the past.
We weren't meant to be perfect.
Stay Strong and Positive!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
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FREE Step-by-Step BREAK UP SURVIVAL PLANPosted 2 months ago #-
willsucceed
offlineMemberI was clearing out all my emails by putting a filter on them to direct them to the trash (and not my inbox). Up to this point all my emails went to a folder and not to my inbox, so I didn't have to see them.
When I putting the new filter on, the emails from him showed up on the screen behind where I was working on the filter. I read two of them once I saw the subject line. He had emailed a week ago about wanting to meet and talk in person. He emailed today after the divorce saying he was sorry that we didn't meet to talk last week and that he was no longer angry and that he missed me. He did not, however, make any attempt at reconciliation today and his email from Dec 5th was to meet and talk about things, but it didn't say he wanted to reconcile.
I am hurt by the divorce proceedings and by thinking about the possibility of reconciling. He was not at the divorce, as I requested. I am just hurt and don't know what to do. It all just hurts. Sorry to keep repeating myself. What do you think? I know I don't have a good perspective on this at all, not at all.
Posted 2 months ago # -
willsucceed said:
What do you think?I think he is just trying to clear his conscience.
If he was really trying to stop the divorce, I think he would have tried a teensy bit harder, don't you think?
I would just be thankful that the worst of it is over (the divorce), and to keep on evolving into your new "single" life.
I don't really know why, but it always seems to get worse, before it gets better.
Maybe it is a test, to see if we are really serious about our intentions, or will we break down and give up at the last minute?
All in all, a divorce is not the end of the world, or any chance of starting a new relationship, with or without your ex.
Just be thankful for what you have, and what you have survived, so far, and remember that all these things are making you stronger, whether you realize it or not.
Stay Strong and Positive!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
Learn How to Create The Destiny of Your Choice
FREE Step-by-Step BREAK UP SURVIVAL PLANPosted 2 months ago # -
I am so sorry to learnt how you feel willsucceed. I never married and never been thru what you been thru, but I know it is hard to lose someone and while you are on your journey towards healing, getting up after fallen down...
You are strong, and had been encouraging me to go on each time I feel down...and i hope you can hang on there, be stronger and believe that someday, all these will come to past and you will get your life back, someday you will look back at this moment and be thankful that you had made it through.
*hugs*
God grant me the serenity to accept things that I cannot change....
The first step toward change is acceptance.
Change is not something you do, it's something you allow.
Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you.Posted 2 months ago # -
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Posted 2 months ago sanity_fair
offlineMemberHi ws! I know what you're going through. It's very uncomfortable, to say the least. Since we can neither erase the memories or bring back the past, what we can actually do now is kill the hope. I can see that you still have the lingering feelings of reconciliation, but if you really just want not to feel the hurt, you might want to try eliminating the notion that you could be together again. Having that hope is holding you back from reclaiming the peace you used to have before him. That hope, for me, actually set me back because I was waiting for nothing. That's what I'm actually working on the past few weeks. Lately, for reasons that I haven't structurally understood (other than maybe I still have feelings for the past), I would suddenly burst into tears. I do not have any intention of breaking my silence, but I figured the mind hasn't completely expurgated the remnants of the only relationship I've had.
You have so much strength within. Let's hold on to the grace of some other hope in our lives!
Pm me if u need to.
Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.
Vaclav Havel, Disturbing the PeacePosted 2 months ago #-
shia
offlineMemberhi willsucceed
i m sorry to hear abt what u are going thru. but wen i read ur post, my personal opinion on this is much more positive dan u think. sometimes it helps us to get an objective point of view from someone who is not just not as involved as u are. i know this is a test situation in ur life which has come to test ur patience and strength. on a positive note , i felt its a great thing that he had been wanting to talk in person and discuss things and u say he even said sorry and he missed u. whatever the case be, its a good sign. it does not yet mean he wants to reconcile. thats true. but its also not a bad thing. u cant expect the thought of reconciliation to come immediately. the thought of reconciliation in my opinion wud come properly and genuinely only wen the passion and connection for u will come in full form.right now ur evolution entails u getting back ur life, not ur ex. wen the passion and connection for life comes, dats wen it gets infused in all elements of our life, past or present. dats a long way to go now. i know u are in pain now, and it really hurts i know this from personal expereince. but just leave it to GOD. try prayers for now. it will really help. just take it in ur stride. its difficult for him too(contrary to what u think) coz it does tell me that if not anything else, he still has some feelings left for u. dont overlook that too. but right now, dats not the thing u have to concentrate on. its about getting ur life back.i think u will do it. all the best!!
Posted 2 months ago # -
willsucceed
offlineMemberThank you all, I appreciate your posts more than you can know. I have overcome the most temptation since I began posting for breaking NC, but I did not break it. I very much wanted to respond to his goodbye email. It brought all the cravings for him to the surface. I understand addiction more after going through this. If I could buy what I crave, I would, no doubt about it.
If I had seen his email last Monday about asking to meet I would have met with him in the hopes he wanted to stop the divorce. I think he wanted to talk to his best friend about how hard this all is and it would have hurt me beyond belief.
I have bounced back some and made sure to continue on with plans I already made, even though there was some "fake it until you make it" feelings about what I was doing. I am not going to let the new life I'm creating go by the wayside for some false hope that I have. I will continue to create my life and continue to evolve. I am clearing out more and more things from my house that I'm not keeping and separating it all out is easier now. I really cleaned out my electronic communications so that conversations about the situation with friends have all been deleted, in addition to deleting all his emails. It's not easy to do, just like it's not easy to hit send on the NC message, but you feel better once it's done. My separation anxiety surfaces at those times and it's not a fun thing to feel.
There is nothing easy about going through any of this.
Posted 2 months ago # -
sweetcalendula
offlineMemberHey Willsucceed,
I am so sorry to hear that. It's always when we are about to really focus on our lives, they will reappear. I am so glad that you didn't break NC, and yes, looks like he's testing the water. To come to think of it, why now ? He appeared out of nowhere and now he's in the hope of wanting to talk to you after what happened. I am never married and I wouldn't understand your situation that much, but what I am really certain is that the wounds you are having are much deeper, and I really look up to you because you are a really strong woman. And of course, you deserve more than this. If he is really trying to stop the process of divorce, he would've done more than just an email.
Stay positive.
Much love.
Posted 2 months ago # -
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Posted 2 months ago -
willsucceed
offlineMemberI have had two parts to me this week. Emotionally it has been a roller coaster, as you know, which I guess makes sense because of the actual divorce. Practically, I have been doing some cleaning out of things from the house that are reminders. A couple of items were a problematic because they also relate to a beloved dog put down earlier this year. I found a good solution that I am comfortable with that removed the items but honored the memory of my dog. Each practical item has some anxiety before removing it, but a sense of relief, accomplishment and satisfaction afterward.
Posted 2 months ago # -
willsucceed
offlineMemberI have had a great sadness, but much less crying since last Monday. I still cry some, but very short (minute or less and much less frequently), but I feel like I am walking around with a heavy weight in my heart. Rather than the intense pain, it feels weighted down. It's hard to smile. I am sharing gratitude multiple times a day with my Power buddy. Has anyone else made this particular shift? Instead of piercing grief, it's just deep sadness.
Posted 2 months ago # -
polkadotpandas
offlineMemberhey willsucceed, to answer your question, yes. I have had times where I just felt like I had this heavy black cloud hovering over me. Even after discovering the tools I needed to heal and move on there were still "those" days where I felt I backtracked and like you said felt "weighed down." Thankfully those days were fewer than my better days. You take a few steps forward and one step back, a few steps forward and another back. on the days you take a step back it hurts sure, but didnt you notice it does not hurt as much as the last backstep? But thats not to say you fall into that slump and never get out again. In fact I cant even remember the last time I felt gloomy. You just gotta keep pushing forward and those days youll forget how they felt.
Posted 2 months ago # -
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Posted 2 months ago hi willsucceed,
it's ok to cry whenever you feel sad. but don't let it carried you away. i guess it's normal with all the things you gone through, it's another stage for you to climb that ladder and to be there you must learn not to let these feelings pull you down.
I feel that 'emptiness' 'sadness' in me once...it feels so bad that it weights me down. But I take it as a test from the Universe..for all the things that I wanted, and this is how LOA works - to see if I really want what I had been asking for..and to get it, am I willing to endure this little phrase, so I can be more appreciative to what the good things that is coming my way.
I hope 'The Power' had helped you a lot. never stop listening to it, again and again...hope it helps. Don't give up.
*hugs*
God grant me the serenity to accept things that I cannot change....
The first step toward change is acceptance.
Change is not something you do, it's something you allow.
Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you.Posted 2 months ago #-
willsucceed said:
It's hard to smile.Go watch this, and tell me you can't smile:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxUulGkLu4I
There is always something to smile about, remember that and you will never lose to the dark side.
Stay Strong and Positive!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
Learn How to Create The Destiny of Your Choice
FREE Step-by-Step BREAK UP SURVIVAL PLANPosted 2 months ago # -
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Posted 1 month ago willsucceed
offlineMemberYes, that made me smile, thanks. I haven't cried in a few days. I still feel some anxiety about the future as one person instead as part of a couple. My mind still ruminates on him and her way too much. I am calmer now and need to control my thoughts more with gratitude and redirecting. My thoughts seem to be some of the last things to clear out of my life. I have not yet reached indifference yet, but I will.
I ran 8 miles this week and could have gone on more, but was good and stopped at 8 so I don't risk overuse injuries. I need to focus on work when I get back. First I will give my office a big cleaning when I get back. I'll move around the furniture as a symbol of my new start. I'm looking forward to the year turning to 2012, so I can put 2011 behind me. I look forward to when 2011 is a hazy memory. I've heard that the few months after a breakup become a hazy memory in time.
Posted 1 month ago #-
Pixie
offlineMemberHey ws! Your right about the few months after a break up becoming hazy, I don't have a clue how I've got 4months down the line it's all just a blur to me, it does seem that the thoughts are the last thing to go, after my encounters with my ex my thoughts have been back to him & the anxiety of being on my own has set in again, I am trying very hard to pull myself thru this with the knowledge that I am stronger & more knowledgable than I was months ago & that now I am giving my ex his time to evolve, unfortunatly just because I have it definatly doesn't mean he has, his willingness to break my NC but not follow it up show he hasn't moved on from the past relationship so even I was ready to reconnect now really isn't the right time we would just hurt each other all over again! It will take time to heal, longer than you ever expect but if it helps build stronger relationships in the future we have to believe it is worth all this pain & time & if we are determined to pull thru everything we have thrown at us we will succeed xxx
Posted 1 month ago # -
willsucceed
offlineMemberThanks Pixie. I ran 9 miles for the first time yesterday and it went well. I could have run more. When I ran 8 miles last week I think I could have finished 13 miles during that run so I'm feeling good about the 1/2 marathon. I will keep increasing my miles in 1 mile increments each week and do everything I can to avoid an injury. Because the rule is 10% increase, I used to be able to only increase in 0.5 mile weekly increments. I run 4 times each week with smaller numbers of miles on the other 3 days unless I am really stressed. The week of my divorce I ran 35 miles total.
For those of you who are new to the forum, I was not a runner previous to my breakup and actually didn't like running very much. That is something that has changed in the last few months and I enjoy it so much that I can tell it is a life change. I just started one day once I got in shape enough from my long walks and needed even more exercise to get rid of the adrenalin in my body. I started by running 3 miles. I also swim everyday and biked in the summer, with spinning classes in the winter. I'm still trying to add breathing to my butterfly stroke and will take another 9 weeks of classes once I get back to town.
Posted 1 month ago # -
willsucceed
offlineMemberIn practicing LOA, I purchased a beautiful heart shaped glass bowl for this coming Valentine's day. Instead of cringing about the holiday I am preparing for it with an expression of hope. I had trepidation before the purchase but have felt really good about doing it since. I am looking forward to displaying the bowl the week of Valentine's day. I am also using LOA when I see romantic couples. When I see romantic couples, I'm trying very hard to shift my thoughts from him and her to happiness for the couple and hope for my future self. I think I'm making strides with this as I practice more and more.
Posted 1 month ago # -
tht's the way willsucceed!!!
=)
God grant me the serenity to accept things that I cannot change....
The first step toward change is acceptance.
Change is not something you do, it's something you allow.
Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you.Posted 1 month ago #
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