FREE BREAK UP SURVIVAL PLAN
I will NEVER sell, trade, rent, or give away your information to any third party.
I HATE SPAM! Read Our Privacy Policy
Free Break up Help, Relationship Advice, and Break up Survival Plan
FREE BREAK UP SURVIVAL PLAN
If you love, and get hurt, love more; when you love more and get hurt more, love even more; When you love even more and get hurt even more, love some more until it hurts no more.
*hugs*
willsucceed said:
Is that giving up and not developing my left arm? Will I not fully recover without hope for future love?
All I am saying is that bad things happen for good reasons.
You won't/can't always see the reason right away, but sometime in the future it will become apparent.
We were created with the ability to adapt and evolve.
Once you realize that your future will become a lot more hopeful.
I know my life has.
Break ups and divorces happen for a good reason.
The reason some of them turn into nightmares is because we do it to ourselves.
The no contact rule prevents you from doing that...you must have hope.
Stay Strong and Positive!
Okay, I've thought about this a lot today. Let me "fake it until you make it" and revise something that I said before:
We gain by growing and being happy in and with ourselves. Being happy in and with ourselves is a prerequisite to opening ourselves up to new relationships with someone familiar or someone with whom we grow familiar. This divorce is the beginning of me becoming happy in and with myself. Being happy in and with myself will open the pathway for me to find the trust, respect, and love that I deserve.
Whew! That wasn't easy.
Survive The AffairAdd your name and email below to receive Marriage Sherpa's FREE 7-step course for surviving the affair.
|
willsucceed said:
This divorce is the beginning of me becoming happy in and with myself. Being happy in and with myself will open the pathway for me to find the trust, respect, and love that I deserve.
Think about it.
If your husband could just walk away from you like that, your relationship could not have been that good.
But if no one made a move, you both might have been stuck trying to make the best of something that just wasn't going to work.
Although he did this for himself primarily, he did you a HUGE favor. As much as this change hurts and feels uncomfortable, it set you free.
Rejection sucks (I know, I get it all the time), but I would rather be with someone who really wants to be with me, than with a "pretender".
Do you know why people pretend (or settle) in a relationship?
Fear of being alone.
I am starting to believe that the only way to find true love is to accept rejection, stop worrying about being alone, and be patient.
Oh, and never give up hope.
Don't look at this as only "the end" of something, but also as a "new beginning".
You broke your right hand.
Stay Strong and Positive!
Hang in there Willsucceed. Reading through your diary shows how much you've evolved so far, and I really believe that you will continue evolving for the better future, and the most importantly for the better you. It is indeed an emotional roller-coaster ride, and trust me, with time, you will be proud of yourself for doing all this for your own sake. Stay positive.
I entered my first race. It is a 5 mile (not a 5K) race about 1 hour north of here on October 22nd. I will up my miles to 4.4 this Wednesday, 4 miles next Monday and then run 5 miles next Wednesday and 3 miles next Thursday to prepare. As you remember, I ran 4 miles M,W,F of last week, so these amounts are within reason and increase my mileage only 10% each week. I also get to learn a new trail area not too far from where I live.
I'm really excited about this. I never thought I'd be entering a 5 mile race this fall! I am still a slow runner (11 min/mile) and I'll work on speed later.
I travel to a meeting this coming weekend and look forward to navigating running in a new place. I know the hotel will have treadmills if I need to resort to that, so it will happen. Swimming will be harder to navigate since hotel pools are usually not a size for exercise swimmers to use. I may have to try an elliptical for the first time as well.
Last weekend I ran a small race that was organized by a student in my lab on Saturday morning--just a few people getting together. Later that day I rode with my friend on our usual long Saturday afternoon ride. I was a little tired from the morning, so we went slowly, but went for 20 miles instead of 17. The town we are aiming to reach is a 25 mile ride, so we should make that goal before the first snow.
I also bought a second set of clothes yesterday in my new size. I was somewhat stressed being in the mall this time, but now have some mix and match basics that will get me through the winter. I have brown, grey and black pants; black jacket that goes with the black pants; white, blue, brown, green and white dress shirts; 2 pairs of jeans; 3 casual tops; brown and black casual shoes; brown and black dress shoes (my feet are 0.5 size smaller now), and one dress. I also got a top that will be appropriate with the grey pants for a holiday party. I have a few items of my old clothes that will fit and so I will add in those as I go.
I need to get a belt and some trouser socks and I'll be in business. I've never been much of a jewelry person, so I may pick up a couple of fun necklaces/earrings that are appropriate for the shirts when I'm at Target getting the socks and belt.
My style is different from before because I usually bought more stretchy (but nice) tops and now I'm trying the dress shirt look instead. We'll see how that goes.
Although I'm feeling a little down right now (probably due to dreams), I did have a period of time yesterday when I was driving that I didn't even have his car type on my radar screen. I've alternated between looking for it to trying to have tunnel vision about it. Yesterday I had some time that I was driving and it wasn't on my mind at all. That is the first time that has happened and it was wonderful and a step forward.
glad to know that you feeling fine.
I make it a habit to 'reward' myself with little achievements I reached. Each time when I found out that I can get over things that made me sad (especially when it's about the ex), I will do anything to make myself happy...a facial at home for me...cook or takeaway some nice food, even a little ice cream will do!
It's our responsibility to make us happy, and no one else.
*hugs*
Hi Willsucceed,
The dreams that we had may reflect that our minds are slowly letting the thoughts of them go... slowly, it will fade away. It is a rocky bumpy ride, but one step at a time okay. Glad that you slowly had a smooth ride today.
I bet the new clothes will look great on you! X
with AB..we are responsible for our own happiness
Good to know that you are into swimming and stuff 8)you are such a strong person then
And yes you are doing great with your evolution
Stay strong & motivated
Hugs,
Jasmine
Yeah, those "dreams" do get us at times. It pisses me off, because here I'm thinking, "Hey, hadn't really been dwelling on the ex lately.. yay me!" and then out of the blue last night, a dream about him and me about to tell him that I still love him, but then, I backed away and changed what I was about to say to the "past" tense. "You know, I really 'loved' you, but not that way anymore." Then a nice hug to finish things off.
The dream before that one he had been completely repulsive to me. I actually woke up thinking, "Ewwwww... what was I thinking???"
It helped me the next day, until reality set in and I thought, well, ok, he doesn't actually repulse me, but I think my subconscious mind was really just trying to help me heal.
I've read your entire NC diary, and it seems like you are really evolving along very well.
Sorry I haven't posted sooner. Thank you so much for the forum welcome. I haven't really been on here for... let's see... oh, I guess this is Day 19 of NC for me. I had to actually go back and check the calendar! I was far too angry the first couple weeks to post anything useful, so, I just "dealt with myself".. :rambo:, went a few rounds.. kicked my own ass into gear, and now I feel like I can be a better, more productive member of this forum.
Katniss said:
I was far too angry the first couple weeks to post anything useful, so, I just "dealt with myself".., went a few rounds.. kicked my own ass into gear, and now I feel like I can be a better, more productive member of this forum.
Wise choice!
It is so much easier for me when people kick their own ass into shape.
The heart and soul of our forum depends on people thinking more of the other members than themselves and supporting each other.
That's exactly what you did Katniss and I appreciate it.
Keep up the good work!
Stay Strong and Positive!
I make it a habit to 'reward' myself with little achievements I reached.
Yes, my counselor thought I should reward myself for getting my body into shape. I will purchase a cute black dress that I saw when I was shopping. It is suitable for work, but then my counselor suggested I get some really fun/high heeled shoes and wear them to dinner with my divorce recovery group. I could also wear them this weekend. At this meeting we go to a fancy restaurant for dinner and usually people dress up extra nice.
I have my other clothes at the tailor. I have to have the pants hemmed and sleeves on the jacket shortened just a bit so that that it all lays right. I can pick it up on Thursday and am looking forward to that.
The divorce recovery group has decided to eat out together once a week. We decided which night by voting about which night is worse for each of us. Friday night won out.
whoa....someone's gonna made heads turn!!! *winks*
Go WillSucceed! Make sure to get some nice lipstick to offset the great smile you should be wearing! BE YOU and LIVE OUT LOUD!
Hey willsucceed,
Finally you are on a track to get you life back..You are doing lot of favours to yourself lately just on focussing on you and you
Great choice
Keep moving and stay strong
Take care,
Jasmine
I'm feeling a little anxious right now. I have a tire on my car that requires me to add air to it everyday. I took my car in to the shop because since I'm leaving for a trip, I wanted the tire fixed so that I don't come back to the airport to a flat tire. I do have a tire-pump-up gadget that plugs into my cigarette lighter in my car, so I can deal with the flat tire, but it was time to get it fixed.
Anyway, they didn't find a hole or anything when soaping it down to watch for bubbles, so I went ahead and got 4 new tires because although I had a year's tread left on my old tires, with the snow coming I wanted the best tread. I know from past experience that this makes a difference.
A couple of people I've talked to after doing this have thought it could be a bad rim. This includes the shuttle guy for the dealership! This makes me feel discouraged because I may not have fixed the problem and feel like a vulnerable person in dealing with the car people. I need to find a person to talk over bigger car issues because I hate feeling like the car people didn't give me the information I needed to make an informed decision. I should have asked, "okay, so what could it be if it's not the tire?" There is a chance that even if the rim has some issues, the new tires will seat better and it won't be a problem. I'm really hoping that's the case. However, this means I need to get 2-3 people knowledgeable about cars to bounce things off of.
This of course made me miss my ex because this is a role he served, but even with just writing this story, I can see that I will think of people to replace that role. I have also already planned to buy a new car next summer since my car has over 140K miles on it. Another good thing is that since I live much closer to work than before, I won't be putting so many miles on the new car and I will look into extended warranties for the first time.
One silver lining is that I used the time at the dealership to go for a run, which made me feel free because I can think of creative ways to get my exercise in in different situations. I had this planned out and just changed into running gear in the bathroom, asked the front desk to hold my things and then ran 4.5 miles. That felt good.
willsucceed said:
A couple of people I've talked to after doing this have thought it could be a bad rim.
Your rim would have to be pretty screwed up (bent) to cause a constant leak. If that was the case they would have seen it and told you you needed to get a new rim.
I have hit some humungous potholes at night that actually gave me a flat and still didn't mess up the rim. It could have been the air valve but they would've seen bubbles from the leak.
Sometimes you just have to make an educated guess and rule things out with the process of elimination.
You did the right thing getting new tires.
It is better to be safe, especially now that most cars come with that "baby" spare tire that you can't drive fast or far on.
You don't need a guy to learn about tires, you can probably find a bunch of videos on youtube (the internet) about tire repair.
That is how I learned to fix the leaky kitchen faucet in my last apartment, the worthless landlord wouldn't do it, so I figured it out myself by looking it up on the internet.
Stay Strong and Positive!
SW, thanks. It helped to remember about the process of elimination. Even my normal confident self didn't like dealing with the car. I was wondering why that is and I think it's because of feeling ignorant about something that can cost quite a bit. Here are two things I'm going to do. One is to look things up on the internet when dealing with a problem so I can learn what could be wrong. Second, I will set up a separate car account that I'll put a set amount in each month. That can go for repairs and/or toward a purchase of a new car. Even if it's all comes from the same pot of money, I will feel less out of control since I have it set aside for this purpose. I will be acknowledging the expense of owning a car and keeping it in good repair so that I won't feel so out of control with dealing with the car when problems arise.
On a larger scale, my mind has been percolating about positivity and negativity. I was a very positive person when I was young, the "make lemonade" type person. I have maintained my core personality of confidence and optimism, even when married to someone who takes a negative view of life. "We can never......" was common. In fact, when he listed things we had in common (but weren't enough), one was "we share a general negative view of life and humanity", to which my internal self said "no, that's not true". Even at that time of personal stress I realized that that was not correct. In the last 5 years I have become more anxious. I need to think through why. However, my work has always gone well and I have succeeded there--and optimism is part of that.
Anyway, these thoughts are just beginning my journey of thinking all this through.
I've been asked out to go to a musical event tonight. I decided to go with the goal of acting naturally in a group of 4 people going out to enjoy a show. No pressure, no expectations for this first venture out as my new single person identity. Fortunately it's casual (jeans) because my shirts were ready at the tailor but my pants won't be ready until next week and the only pants that fit me right now are my padded bike pants, skin tight exercise shorts and my new jeans
Okay, that was an interesting experience. I really, really liked the music. That's good because I'll buy their songs on iTunes and have some new music to listen to that is not from the past. They had quite a few love and heartbreak songs that were poignant, but I didn't cry at those.
I had not anticipated that a first date had some causal touch involved--like on your arm, or leaning over to say something and brushing shoulders. It's very hard for me to not move away because I'm not used to a man other than my ex touching me in any way. That was a different experience tonight. It wasn't frequent, but I did notice it the few times it happened.
I won't be interested in this guy, but appreciated a good time tonight.
Before going to the music event, I'm happy to report that I biked 20 miles in 1 hour and 35 minutes. That was an improvement in distance and time.
Hey WS,
you are doing so great with your evolution
I can understand how it feels when you are attached so emotionally to your ex that you don't like to be around other guys..But that's ok!!you have to move on
Stay strong & positive
Hugs,
Jasmine
I am really glad you had a great night, Willsucceed. Music heals the soul, isn't it? NC has given you the power to overcome the fears of listening to sad songs, somehow. It heals me too. I used to really avoid listening to all the love songs before. But as the time passes by, I am more than ready and I can even sing it out loud now. (: Just take it slow, as long you had a good time and company (:
sweetcalendula, thanks. I completely agree with taking it slow. I am not in any way in a position to have romantic feelings for someone and that will be for quite awhile. I will not inhibit my evolution by jumping into a relationship when I have this chance to change my life. I am interested in forming some friendships with both men and women to go out and enjoy things.
How do I best navigate this--tell them up front that I'm not anywhere near ready for a relationship? What does everyone suggest? Not go out with men until I'm ready for a relationship?
willsucceed said:
How do I best navigate this--tell them up front that I'm not anywhere near ready for a relationship? What does everyone suggest? Not go out with men until I'm ready for a relationship?
Just be up front and tell them you're only looking to date.
Dating doesn't mean you have to start a relationship or have sex, right?
This will be a great filter.
The guys who think they will buy you a few dinners and get laid won't bother you.
All good relationships start out as friends.
If these men don't have the patience to take it slow it is obvious they are either "needy" or just horny.
Either way they will not make good male friends, and that is what you need at this stage of your personal evolution.
You will know when the time is right to take things further, don't sweat the small stuff just go have fun.
If a guy gets grabby, just kick him in the snu-snu's.
Stay Strong and Positive!
SW, thanks so much. That's exactly what I'll do. Your candor is always refreshing to read.
I had a very interesting meeting. I am finally able to concentrate while being a group and since our meetings go all day, that is a major accomplishment. I had a very very nice surprise in that someone that I really admire from a place I used to work was at the meeting. It was a complete surprise to me. We always have naturally gotten along and talked with each other really easily. It was so nice to have such a rich conversation. He's not available so it's not a romantic interest, but it made the meeting so much better. I can't believe that I left working at that place a few years ago to join my ex for a job that had less than half the salary and much, much less advancement and monetary potential. And then my ex ups and leaves for someone else. I wish I could be angry about that.
Anyway, he was talking about kayaking and I came to realize that there are kayaks where your legs are not bound inside--the thought of my legs being bound, even as a strong swimmer, was something with which I've never felt comfortable. This is great and I'm going to investigate the possibility of kayaking where I live so I can learn it and as a travel opportunity. I was able to go to the Martin Luther King memorial after the President left which was a great experience with all the people around, the Lincoln memorial, one floor of the Smithsonian and one floor of the modern art museum. It was interesting to see everything. Lincoln's second inaugural speech was amazing to read. I went to dinner with a former student who is now in grad school and we had great tapas.
I am now going for 2 days to pursue a new area at work and then I go back to where I live. I have been able to continue my exercising which is great. I have a lot of opportunities that can open up for me and much more evolution and I am looking forward to that. I am more and more impatient to let the emotions tied up with my ex to go away. Why do I let him rent so much space in my head? I know it will get better and better, but I wish this drain on me was over and I was indifferent to what/who/when he's doing things during this break.
Sale of the house is moving forward and that means the divorce is moving forward quickly. That's great in my head and still causes me some anxiety in my emotions. I just need it to happen so I can move beyond it and continue the road to indifference.
I'm now in a different city and enjoyed a short run this afternoon. Running gives me the chance to see the city. I will take a 5 mile run in the morning and see more.
My flight home will include a flight that was the same one I took home just after finding out he had left. I have avoided this particular flight until now, but will get this over with tomorrow. I will also go and sit at a particular gate in the connecting airport at which I asked him to try and make it work the day he told me had moved out. I didn't beg or cry, but I did ask. I will get a chocolate creme drink from Starbucks and sit and drink that there and talk to a close friend on the phone so I can pass by that gate without feeling crappy.
This project I'll be working on has me really excited and will take up a lot of mental energy, which is great. I'm so happy this has come along right now. It's new, but based on my current work. I'll also be working with a woman that I think will develop into a friendship.
Willsucceed be strong you are doing so well...you know you have obstacles ahead...but the great part is that you have a plan...that is the first step in trying to get over a fear or past...You are doing so well!!! Keep it up and enjoy the rest of your time there before you go back home
stay strong...
Good For You WS! Focus on that upcoming project, I did the same and it did alter my thoughts away from my ex...It helps!
Just don't forget about YOU, spend some time with yourself and find what you love in life
Stay Strong and Good Luck!
hi willsucceed,
running is very good to keep your mind off things. Other than that it is doing good for your health.
That project looks like something you can fully put your focus on but like finallyfedup said. Don't forget about yourself
Try not too much to bother about the airport thing. It is just like any other airport. Only you can control your believes that this place will bring back emotions. So just imagine it was somewhere else when you get there. A place without emotions and thoughts attached to it. Stay Strong!
Okay, I followed the plan at the airport. Hopefully those demons have been put to rest.
hey Willsucceed,
I agree with Break222. I know how you feel, I get that too at times. But slowly you will pull through and get over it. I can't wait to feel indifferent too now.
Stay strong. x
I met an interesting person on the plane--not a romantic interest but someone interesting to talk with. He's working for the government overseas in a country that is next to where I lived for some time as a child. He's in the town where I live to take some coursework to help him in his job. It was a great conversation and we exchanged contact information to have lunch. He's not a romantic interest, but someone with whom I can have interesting conversations and perhaps keep in touch with. He leaves for the country in which he works at the end of this year and will be back again next fall. He is a widower so I'm not poaching on another relationship--I am sensitive that even friendship with someone in a relationship could hurt that relationship.
Hey Willsucceed,
It's good to have new friends! Don't worry too much about being friends with someone who is in a relationship, as long you know your boundaries. You know your intention was purely just to be friends. I am glad that you met such a great conversationalist and that could fill up your time in the plane.
Take care.
I am considering getting a roommate. I know a person from my divorce recovery group that is living with her parents and I could offer her a bedroom in my house for the same arrangement she has with her parents. I am still staying away from my house as long as possible and with winter coming, I am concerned since the really cold temperatures do keep you home a lot more. I have not cooked at all and I really enjoy cooking, especially baking. I say all this to show how abnormal things are right now, even though I am progressing in a lot of areas.
I would draw up a lease to help both of us and we would talk about those conditions to make sure everything is clear from the outset. I've found that's the best way to help prevent problems--before they start. Given the death of a major relationship in my life, I am not always successful in that endeavor, however
One of my forum buddies has a roommate for similar reasons and she loves it.
Any thoughts?
Hey WS,
I think its a great idea to get a roommate. It becomes terrible to stay by yourself in the house. I'm going through it as well and I really wish I had a roommate, cause the emotions tend to get the better of you. Just make sure you know the person well and she is trustworthy.
Annabelleloka8, Hi. Yes, that's one issue. I've only met her in the last 2 months at the divorce recovery. We got along right away and walk and talk every Friday afternoon, but I don't know her well. I actually don't know anyone here well except for some people I work with. I used to commute an hour each way to work and that really cut down my time to make friends, and with being married, I also had a companion. She seems trustworthy to me, but I really don't know. She also going through a divorce.
Anyway, what are people's thoughts with this information?
we need time to trust people.
getting along with a person well doesn't mean that they gonna be a good housemate. How about inviting her for dinner at your place and offer her to stay over night at your house sometimes? I learnt that's how we get to know that someone, i.e habits and things like that as time goes by.
Just my opinion.
AngeLBeaR said:
How about inviting her for dinner at your place and offer her to stay over night at your house sometimes? I learnt that's how we get to know that someone, i.e habits and things like that as time goes by.
This is a great idea!
willsucceed said:
Anyway, what are people's thoughts with this information?
I myself have not any luck with my past roommates, I would rather have a dog.
Except of course if I were in a relationship then I would consider living with someone again.
But my past experience with roommates has them breaking my stuff, eating my stuff, and then giving out keys to strangers.
Never mind getting in their PJ's (@ 4:30 pm) and drinking every night whining about the ex girlfriend that dumped their ass.
I am currently roommates with my son's mother (my ex wife) and things seem to be working OK (finally).
I would proceed with caution and get everything in writing. You sound like the type of person who dots all the (i)'s so if you think it would work go for it.
If she turns out to be a freak boot her ass out.
Having a roommate can be a great help as long as you don't both depress living the shit out of each other.
*see above comment about drinking/whining every night
Since you're both going through a divorce you can support and give each other strength, but beware the shoulder to cry on, that can be addictive.
The more feet you have the harder you can both kick loves ass.
Although a person can't really kick with both feet at once unless you're in one of those Kung-fu movies where anything is possible.
Stay Strong and Positive!
You must log in to post.