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Willsucceed's NC diary
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I HATE SPAM! Read Our Privacy PolicyPosted 4 months ago willsucceed said:
I'm going to home depot and ask them to help me find the rachet that will do the job and I'll change it myself.This is probably a no-brainer but make sure you bring in one of the screws for the plate when you go find the tool for it.
This will save you a lot of time.
Unless the plates didn't come with new screws.
Good job on the "can do" attitude WS!
Stay Strong and Positive!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
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FREE Step-by-Step BREAK UP SURVIVAL PLANPosted 4 months ago #-
willsucceed
offlineMemberThanks SW. I'll be going to home depot tomorrow because today ended up being so full that I moved from one thing to another. I'll look to see if screws came with the plates--I hadn't thought to look for screws, so thanks. It looks like the current plates have screws and then hexagon nut as well and so that's why I thought I might need a ratchet with a hexagon socket. I'll look more closely to see if perhaps I just need a screwdriver instead. You know who took all the tools, otherwise I would have just tried it with tools from home.
Sanity_fair recommended Moneyball as a "safe" movie and I concur. It was engaging, interesting, inspiring, and actually had a divorced couple in it which was interesting to see. The song that the daughter plays and sings would really speak to your devotion to your son's life, SW. Did the apartment hunting go well today?
I was able to do personally well in the triathlon--I'll post my times when they post them at the gym. There was a nice camaraderie among the participants which was nice to be part of. In fact, I definitely swam better than my 25 yr old compatriots, bicycled the same distance as the 25-year old woman, and ran 2 miles instead of their 1 mile distance. I am contemplating making a goal to run a 1/2 marathon (13 miles) in May. The city in which I live hosts it in early May. Now, I may be way off base and experienced runners can weigh in here. Right now I can do 11 minute miles and only 3 miles contiguous stretch, but feel that I could keep going. On Sunday mornings I can add to the 3 mile run 3 more miles of walking and 3 more miles of running.
Posted 4 months ago # -
sweetcalendula
offlineMemberHi Willsucceed
I am so impressed! You are physically fit... I guess way better than the youngsters including me. Congratulations on that! You divert your attention to physical strength ( and it does add more endurance to the mental state as well ). All the best!
Take care!
Posted 4 months ago # -
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Posted 4 months ago Robot
offlineInactiveI'd suggest you maybe only run every other day. Running cross country is really hard on your body and by the statistics actually more dangerous than football. The 3 mile run / 3 mile walk is a good idea, but you of course you want to alternate running and walking, and walking an entire 3 miles will just add a lot of time to your workout; walking 800 meters between each mile should be plenty if you run each mile to exhaustion. Swimming is good stuff.
Posted 4 months ago #-
willsucceed said:
Did the apartment hunting go well today?Yeah, we put a deposit down on a 3 bedroom...Yea!
We have been roommates for over 5-6 years, and this will be the first time we will have our own bedrooms...finally.
Our current living arrangements are: they each have their own bedrooms and I sleep in the living room.
It will be good to settle into a place for a change. We didn't really buy any furniture because we knew we would be moving again either into our own home, or a 3 bedroom rental.
The best part is it won't be ready until the end of November, and that is when our lease is up here, so we won't get stuck paying double rent for the last month of our lease.
It is nice to catch a break once in a while.
As far as your running, if your leg is sore your body is talking to you.
I personally think running is over-rated and NOT for every bodytype.
I used to run on my treadmill, and then one day out of the blue my knee blew up. It never hurt or anything, just swelled up and I was limping for a week or so with a support on it.
I am done running unless it is an emergency.
I walk for 1-2 hours a day. It is more fun, and easier on your feet, and joints. I listen to the runners pant and stomp their feet down (out of exhaustion), and I think, that can't be good for you. Especially the lack of form once you start to get tired, and start stomping down on your feet too hard.
I also alternate with my elliptical machine too, and I do 30-40 minutes on that mofo.
I used to have an Olympic weight set, bench, and squat bar. But I sold it before moving to NY.
Now, I do push-ups and work my core with twists and forward bends. We are thinking of joining the local YMCA and using all the equipment they have, including their indoor pool (with slide).
I always wondered how good those tiny lap tubs you can buy for your home work. I agree with Robot. I think swimming is the best overall exercise and the least abusive to your joints and body.
I think exercise has to be a balance. Too much can do more harm than good.
I highly recommend sex
for cardiovascular exercise. Nothing makes your heart pound faster than sex, except maybe getting the shit scared out of you, but sex is definitely more fun.I am thinking of writing a book entitled: Fornicate Your Way to Fitness
Unfortunately while I am roommates with my ex it looks like I am stuck raising my heart rate with my elliptical machine for now.
My son better appreciate what I am sacrificing to make all this happen.
Anyways, keep up the good work WS!
Stay Strong and Positive!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
Learn How to Create The Destiny of Your Choice
FREE Step-by-Step BREAK UP SURVIVAL PLANPosted 4 months ago # -
willsucceed
offlineMemberThat's great news about the apartment, SW. I'm glad you'll finally have your own room. It seems like that will be an enormous difference for you.
I'm definitely keeping up and improving the swimming. I think I will continue to run at least for the next year, because it makes it easier to get energy out immediately at work--there is a great path right outside the door. Also, it gives me an easy goal to attain, given the races that are held in my city next year and since I have a lot to learn about running. I see a lot of people on the paths that say "hi" and it's nice to have the social connection with strangers. I am learning to listen to my body, however, and can see why a lot of people drop out of running eventually. It is a lot harder on your body.
Robot, I will alternate days that I run, instead of running everyday. In the winter I'll mix it up between the treadmill, elliptical and weights. I think I'm at the point emotionally to be able to get through a day of work without taking a run. I also have my bike in the back of my car, so I can bike on alternating days. That doesn't seem to be too hard on the body.
I got my plates on my car changed by buying a ratchet set--yeah! The screw heads were hexagonal and that's what required the ratchet set. I also bought the black frames for the plates so that my plates don't get bent and that looks better. They've changed the color and look of the plates here, so it's nice to have the change--changes that move forward and away from the old. I also bought a new tire gauge, since you know who bought the last one. That way it doesn't remind me of him.
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Posted 4 months ago willsucceed
offlineMemberOne improvement is that when I am done teaching class I no longer get extremely anxious and sad. I watched Cinderella Man and although it was hard to watch people going through the Great Depression, it was an inspiring movie. Thanks for suggesting it.
I am officially going to run a half marathon in May. This gives me the release that exercise gives me and the planning and training for mental stimulation. It also makes me even more serious about not getting an injury, which is good. I've been dreading the winter and going into the gym for my exercise when there's lots of snow or dangerous temperatures, but I've learned that I can really get some good exercise by rotating things around with gym equipment that helps me train, which makes me feel better.
I'm having an increase in productivity at work which is also good, although I'm not anywhere near my capability. I wish the divorce was final because settling the finances still throws me off. No word yet about my counter proposal regarding the finances.
It used to be I had to pick a 4 digit number and count backwards subtracting 7 to keep my mind off of him while I walked, but now I can sometimes sing songs while I walk and that can also work for a period of time. I am getting new tires on the car that have really good tread so that I have less chance of getting stuck in the snow. I have AAA, which is also good and I'll be extra careful about keeping my emergency supplies in the car and keeping my phone charged.
Well, I'm off to my divorce recovery group, which usually gets my spirits up.
Posted 4 months ago #-
willsucceed
offlineMemberNo counter proposal received and we have a court date for Friday to make sure the mortgage on the other house is paid by you-know-who. I won't be at court; for this only counsel is present. I'm very nervous though, and feel like my life is out of control. My anxiety has gone back up to earlier days and I remember now how horrible those days were. Our finances are not that complicated, but you-know-who just wants out without any obigations to past decisions. I want this divorce to be final now so I can move on to plan my financial future, but that seems so far away.
Posted 4 months ago # -
willsucceed said:
I watched Cinderella Man and although it was hard to watch people going through the Great Depression, it was an inspiring movie.The one thing I wanted to point out about the movie The Cinderella man (something I think most people miss) is how one seemingly bad event in his life, a life already two inches above rock bottom (because of the Great Depression) not only turned his life around, but made his dreams come true.
Do you know which part I am referring to?
Sometimes the things we interpret as "more bad luck" are actually a GREAT opportunity to make your dreams come true, if you don't give up.
I love that movie because it is a great tribute to the potential of the human spirit.
And since we are all human, at least I hope we ALL are.
We all have the same potential.
You just have to stay positive, be patient, and dig down deep to awaken it.
Stay Strong and Positive!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
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Posted 4 months ago willsucceed
offlineMemberI think you're referring to the point when his children go to the relatives?
We're not going to court tomorrow. He has agreed to pay the payments and we will independently converse with the real estate agent so that we don't have to talk to each other. I know this is best, but to hear from my lawyer that that is his wishes was really, really hard. I would have asked for it myself, but it's hard to hear.
We are crafting the final divorce papers now. That is also really hard. I don't know why it's so hard and my heart is hurting so much. I need for this to happen and I want to protect myself from him financially. Please remind me why this is a good thing, if you don't mind. I am back to shocked and hurting at the same time and tears are falling as I write this. Sorry for the negativity, but I'm calling out for support right now. I'm having doubts--should I have opened his email about forwarded mail, should I have made an attempt at reconciliation, and dumb stuff like that. I'm going to go run and I hope that will help clear my head.
Posted 4 months ago #-
*hugs* to you.
It is okay to feel sad and cry rather than keeping it inside you and eating you alive. I been thru that phrase too.
You are one strong woman. I learnt and got motivated by you. You can do this.
God grant me the serenity to accept things that I cannot change....
The first step toward change is acceptance.
Change is not something you do, it's something you allow.
Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you.Posted 4 months ago # -
willsucceed said:
I think you're referring to the point when his children go to the relatives?Nope.
I was referring to when he broke his right hand fighting. That changed his destiny.
Think about it Grasshopper.
willsucceed said:
Please remind me why this is a good thing, if you don't mind. I am back to shocked and hurting at the same time and tears are falling as I write this.The reason you are taking this so hard is you feel it is the END.
The end of any chance of a relationship with your ex. The end of "normal life" as you know it.
This is NOT true.
This is just the end of a bad chapter of your married life, your life in general.
You have to finish this chapter so you can start writing the new chapters of your new life.
You will have plenty of blank pages to start all over again, with or without your ex.
If your love bond with your ex was a "true" "strong" bond, you will find your way back to each other again, and start a new "better stronger" relationship.
And if it wasn't, you're both better off.
No one wants to live a lie.
But first you have to finish this chapter...you have to let go.
Stay Strong and Positive!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
Learn How to Create The Destiny of Your Choice
FREE Step-by-Step BREAK UP SURVIVAL PLANPosted 4 months ago # -
Pixie
offlineMemberwillsucceed said:
Please remind me why this is a good thing, if you don't mind. I am back to shocked and hurting at the same time and tears are falling as I write this.
Willsucceed!
This is exactly how i am feeling today, my emotions are all over the place & i have been so close to contacting my ex, i feel like im running out of time & the fear & anguish inside of me is telling me this. I think this is like SW said i am fearing it is the end but maybe its that feeling of letting go of the old....is that right SW?
i truly believe that if our exes really loved us they will be there at the end of NC and i really think mine did which is why i am trying my very hardest not to give into these fears, i am letting go of the old relationship and moving forward with the hope of a better stronger one.
Your ex wouldnt of married you if he didnt really love you but sometimes relationships just go wrong or people get trapped by negative feelings and cant work their way out of them (like us now if we break NC because of this fear) but that doesnt mean with time apart that you cant start afresh it just means we cant repair the old failed relationship. Im surprising myself with saying this but i guess that is part of evolving.
Personally altho i have the desire to contact my ex today i am going to remain strong & confident that i am now doing the right thing for both of us, i am being giving to him by allowing him the space he needed and i am giving to myself by not letting fears rush my future. I am determined to wait & i am sure my ex will be there waiting when i am ready but if not i will have a bright future ahead of me, i just need to start believing that more & letting go of the past, i think we all need to & thats when our success will come!
I dont think that the connection with my ex was wrong, i think we broke up to sort ourselves out in order to make a better relationship in the future & i try & remember this everytime im struggling. Somewhere in the future you & your ex will reconnect someway & all the pain from the past will be just that in the past.
We will stay strong together right now
I hope my advice here is right SW!! Maybe i am evolving without realising!
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Posted 4 months ago Pixie said:
I hope my advice here is right SW!! Maybe i am evolving without realising!The only thing I wonder about is when you said you will wait.
Don't wait for your ex, you don't have to, and that will do more harm than good.
You not only need to "let go" but you need to get out there and live your life.
Your ex (if he ever comes back) may not be back for a year or two...who knows?
NC has no time guarantee.
I truly believe people evolve the fastest when they not only "let go", but "get on with their life" as well, and that means considering other romantic interests.
Don't wait for your ex to come back to live a happy life, that is not what NC is all about.
You (or anyone else) do not need your ex back to live a full happy life, and the sooner you embrace that fact, the better.
In fact there have been many members who have had even better lives without their ex's after moving on.
Stay Strong and Positive!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
Learn How to Create The Destiny of Your Choice
FREE Step-by-Step BREAK UP SURVIVAL PLANPosted 4 months ago #-
Pixie
offlineMemberYour right SW maybe i am sat around waiting for my ex to evolve and not concentrating on myself because of it.
I need to let go of him completely and move forward on my own, to be confident & be happy on my own first.
When you say.... Your ex (if he ever comes back) may not be back for a year to two...who knows?
...Do you mean that we should just leave them to come to us & not consider reconnection? If we want them at this point that is or that we should only reconnect when we really living our own lifes!?
Posted 4 months ago # -
firefly_composer
offlineInactiveI think we need to FORGET any thoughts of reconciliation, and to take it one step further we need to forget and stop any thoughts regarding our ex (they did after all dump your ass didn't they?). Failure to do this and we will never fully heal. Focus on yourself only, getting your life and happines back and not give a damn what your ex is doing is the key. We need to be 100 percent content being alone and above all, we need to love ourselves 1st. This is the number one mistake the recipient of a breakup makes and why they may NEVER get over thier hurt.
This is what NC is all about and why Scott is so stringent with the rules.
I don't want to come across as a jerk, but let's not forget why we joined this forum. This is NOT a "how to get your ex back site" but more of a taking control of your life again support forum.
Stay strong and never forget why we are here ....
If you're in it for love, what could possibly go wrong!Posted 4 months ago # -
Pixie said:
When you say.... Your ex (if he ever comes back) may not be back for a year to two...who knows?...Do you mean that we should just leave them to come to us & not consider reconnection? If we want them at this point that is or that we should only reconnect when we really living our own lifes!?
Reconnection is a sort of plan to get them to come back. People need to know they have a plan to get their ex back or they panic.
OK, when is the right time to try reconnecting...who knows?
I can tell you 30 days is never enough time in most cases.
People who focus on reconnecting are not evolving, they are just killing time waiting for their ex to come back.
In my honest opinion.
So when their ex makes a little effort to contact them they practically throw themselves at their ex. Even if they physically show restraint, emotionally, they are dying to get back together, and your ex senses this.
Like animals sense fear.
I truly feel your best chance to ever get back together is when your ex can not this sense this about you any more.
Plus, this will mean you have truly evolved past the old relationship and you're ready for nothing but a fresh start, either with your ex or someone new.
You dumped the baggage and now you're traveling light.
Plus, if they "really" want you back, they will fight for you, when you're ready to be won back, right?
It is not your job to worry about if they want you back, it's your focus to be ready again...make sense?
Evolving past the break up, letting the past go, and getting your life back is how to make yourself ready for love again.
Stay Strong and Positive!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
Learn How to Create The Destiny of Your Choice
FREE Step-by-Step BREAK UP SURVIVAL PLANPosted 4 months ago # -
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Posted 4 months ago firefly_composer said:
We need to be 100 percent content being alone and above all, we need to love ourselves 1st. This is the number one mistake the recipient of a breakup makes and why they may NEVER get over thier hurt.
Being content being single is a major step in evolving past the break up and preparing for a new relationship.
Society makes it hard because the absence of a partner seems to scream "undesirable".
Look in the mirror, you know you are not undesirable, so DON'T let society tell you how to live your life.
Your peers look at you with sympathy, you poor lonely thing you.
Being single by choice doesn't make you alone, or undesirable. It shows that you run your life, not your friends, family, or your ex.
Stay Strong and Positive!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
Learn How to Create The Destiny of Your Choice
FREE Step-by-Step BREAK UP SURVIVAL PLANPosted 4 months ago #-
Pixie
offlineMemberSo i guess reconnection shouldnt be a part of the plan, the plan is to get you back to feeling strong again & being fine on your own & no longer feeling pain about your break up, it is when you stop pinning for your ex & the past relationship that the desperation you once felt to get them back is no longer there and that they are the ones fighting for us to take them back!
I think i really do have alot more evolving to do, i really would like to be at that point but i know after 8 weeks of no contact im not, i may have let go of the old relationship & why it failed but i still do want my ex and that desperation is probably exactly why he isnt back. It really is time to focus on what makes me happy for me now i guess and what will be in the future will happen when its meant to.
Posted 4 months ago # -
Pixie said:
It really is time to focus on what makes me happy for me now i guess and what will be in the future will happen when its meant to.Exactly!
This is an evolution, that means changes, but these changes will be for the better because you decided to make them.
You took control and shaped your destiny, and decided to kick loves ass!
Your foot didn't accidentally kick love in the ass, you aimed for it.
Stay Strong and Positive!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
Learn How to Create The Destiny of Your Choice
FREE Step-by-Step BREAK UP SURVIVAL PLANPosted 4 months ago # -
firefly_composer
offlineInactive"So i guess reconnection shouldnt be a part of the plan, the plan is to get you back to feeling strong again & being fine on your own & no longer feeling pain about your break up"
Bingo ...
If you're in it for love, what could possibly go wrong!Posted 4 months ago # -
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Posted 4 months ago mamasteez
offlineMemberwillsucceed said:
Please remind me why this is a good thing, if you don't mind. I am back to shocked and hurting at the same time and tears are falling as I write this. Sorry for the negativity, but I'm calling out for support right now. I'm having doubts--should I have opened his email about forwarded mail, should I have made an attempt at reconciliation, and dumb stuff like that. I'm going to go run and I hope that will help clear my head.This is a WONDERFUL thing. People change sometimes and people do grow apart. But if the love is there, it will always be there in some sort of form. After a year or so, lust turns to love. After love comes care. <- That's how you know it's love. You're heart is still aching because you still care deeply. I know. It's going to be a process that takes even longer to break it back down to singledom but in the end, you'll have yourself back. Each obstacle we encounter is just like a chapter as SW said.
Once one chapter begins, another must end. (Not to be cliche) But that's exactly what's happening here. Life's just like a book except we make some of the rules (why some? because we can't control everything!) But it's a learning experience to take from. You're one step closer to your happy ending full of pure bliss. I had someone told me that the only reason why bad shit happens, is because you're strong enough to get through it. Look to the bright side of things! Positive thinking ALWAYS overcomes the negative thoughts! :]
Posted 4 months ago #-
willsucceed
offlineMemberThank you all so much from the bottom of my heart. I can't tell you what your responses and conversations on my diary have meant to me today. I know two things right at this moment. Even if reconciliation was on the table I am in no condition to negotiate that. I need to be indifferent to the outcome to truly build something new, even if it were offered. I also have the freedom to pursue a lot of things right now that are only developing. Second, I am panicking because this is another final step in my current situation. I feel separation anxiety like my dog does when I leave the house every day. Even though our old relationship is dead, I have not yet evolved to indifference and so I still have emotions that need to go away. I want them to go away faster than they have because I really hate feeling like this.
I have tried very hard to believe, and sometimes really do believe, that reconciliation is not likely. Even the part of me that hopes for reconciliation realizes that it would only likely be 1-2 years down the road. This is a good thing because I need to evolve and to do that I need to protect myself from the damage of contact. It's really hard when I feel knocked back to ground zero, but I do know that at this point I have changed enough that I bounce back much faster now.
Thank you all again. I am going to leave and take my dog up to a state park near town and walk and swim her and then ride my bike some. I'll be back on this forum as soon as I get home again. Thanks for caring so much and helping me through this tough day.
Posted 4 months ago # -
willsucceed
offlineMemberOkay, I couldn't leave when I said because I have an afternoon class that I almost forgot about. Just shows how discombobulated I am today. I did want to take these few minutes before class to post my triathlon results from last Saturday. I had the longest distance of all the people participating in swimming, clustered with the other women for bicycle (but less than the men), and worst time of everyone for running the two miles:
15 minute swim 875 meters
15 minute bike ride 3.28 miles
2 mile run 20.5 minutesAlso, I am up to 4 miles for my every other day run, with Sunday still 3 miles run-->1/2mile walk-->1 mile run, etc. for a total of 6 miles running.
Still hurting, but thankful for my job and career, thankful for my "divorce dog", thankful for my family and friends, thankful for my health, thankful for opportunities into new areas at work that are opening right now, thankful for this forum, thankful for the structures in town that are allow me to exercise relatively easily.
Posted 4 months ago # -
willsucceed
offlineMemberMy dog and I explored a state park that is about 30 minutes from here. We found some spots that are great for her to swim and a place for training dogs where she can be off-leash as we walk the paths. We had a nice time and she's snoring on her dog mat right now.
On the way home I bit the bullet and stopped by the mall. I did okay walking through the men's section to get to the women's section. I was very directed in my shopping--it was yes/no immediately, which made it really easy. Had to go to juniors department for jeans to find my size. Still need some more items, but I got a good start tonight.
Even though I know it will be bumpy here on out, I strangely began to feel more and more empowered tonight. I feel like I will be able to make plans and have some control once this divorce is finalized and we have the conditions of the sale of the house agreed upon. Although it is disappointing to have only my salary and retirement instead of both of ours, I at least can make plans about what I'm going to do about that once the divorce is final.
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Posted 4 months ago -
willsucceed
offlineMemberI'm feeling high stress about the strangest thing. Well, I do know why I'm feeling stress--SW it it on the nail. I see the divorce, which I want, as the end of the relationship. I'm having a hard time not seeing it that way.
Anyway, the sale of the second house may happen very quickly and for more than I first anticipated. I now feel guilty for threatening court. However, the proposal I had from him was for me to take all the debt, the second house payment and be responsible for selling the house. So, I really had to take action, but now I feel anxious because it prompted him to go to a real estate agent and they are happy with the appraised value and may have a cash buyer.
This is great news, I know. But I feel as anxious as the early days. I wish I had a magic pair of scissors to cut my feelings for him out of myself.
I can't run today because it's my off day, but I'm going to go ride my bike. I have adrenalin pouring through me and I need to burn it off.
Posted 4 months ago # -
firefly_composer
offlineInactivewillsucceed said:
But I feel as anxious as the early days. I wish I had a magic pair of scissors to cut my feelings for him out of myself.
This is normal willsucceed. In my early stages (like right now) I'm having waves of emotions every 10 minutes (really sux lol). You are quite a bit further along than I am but you will still have these feelings just not as often. Trust me, in time it will all be a hazy memory. Think about the NC letter we all sent. The last sentence says it all .... "I will be in touch when I am ready.". Man, talk about a powerful statement!
That is the goal we need to shoot for and was not meant to get your ex to call you or anything silly but to give yourself time to REALLY heal.
I think you are doing great and an inspiration to many here. Just accept the fact that these feelings don't magically disappear, it takes time to heal, but, when all is said and done it is so worth it ...
If you're in it for love, what could possibly go wrong!Posted 4 months ago # -
willsucceed
offlineMemberThanks firefly, it's good to remember that it takes time, but it will happen and be worth all of this, which is a pretty high worth! I took my dog to the lake again and then still had some energy left to get rid of so I went swimming then came home. I wanted to run, but it is my off day for running and I kept to that. While I was at the lake I had made myself (in my mind) to be a monster, then someone with a serious personality defect, and then maybe I had Alzheimer's. All of these 'explanations' in my mind are to get you-know-who off the hook for his behavior. Really, I do wonder about what my mind can weave at times.
One thing I have taken badly about myself during this is that I have a dominant personality (when the choices are dominant, passive, and passive-aggressive). I see that as very bad right now. However, the counselor reminded me that if I had a passive personality, we would have been living on the street by now. My ex used the benefits of my dominant personality, but resented it at the same time. He commented more than once that I just didn't realize how confidently I move, make decisions and go about my life. Anyway, my self esteem has taken beating and now I castigate myself for my core personality.
So right now the words "get your life back" include "get your sense of self back" for me since I have a lot of self doubts about my core, worth, and abilities.
This is why my advances in exercise have been important to me. That is an area in which I've never tried to excel before. In fact, my mother, who was not physically strong growing up, used to say "remember that there need to be spectators too" in case I wasn't able to be athletic. She was trying to prevent the pain she felt at being the last to be chosen for a team. The only sport I learned as a child was swimming, for which I am very grateful. I realize now that I do have athletic ability and am enjoying exploring that. Advancing in my exercise is helping build my confidence in that area, which I hope will spill over to my regular self. It's also a relatively 'uncontaminated' area, since I had not developed this in my dead relationship. It also has the benefit of burning off adrenalin.
Okay, I think I'll be able to go to sleep tonight, but I'll probably be awake later, like I usually do.
Posted 4 months ago # -
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Posted 4 months ago willsucceed
offlineMember"I was basically fired from Apple when I was 30, and was invited to come back 12 years later. That was difficult when it happened, but maybe the best thing that ever happened to me."
A quote from Steve Jobs. Isn't that interesting? I wish he had expounded more.
Posted 4 months ago #-
willsucceed
offlineMemberSorry for all the posts--apparently this is a sleepless night for me. I sleep 30 minutes then wake up. Thought I was done with that.
This too will pass.
I won't feel like this forever.
I will get to anger, hopefully soon, and then to indifference (the holy grail).
I can do this.
I will later be thankful for this.
I am growing.Posted 4 months ago # -
Marty
offlineMemberNo sleep hugh willsucceed? One thing I used to do when I couldn't sleep was find something that was "measureable" that showed that I was on my own two feet, evolving without 'him'. For me, that was logging into my checking account and seeing the balance - that there was money there that wasn't going to go away. When I was married, I would try to save money and, as soon as he saw it, he would find something to buy with it. A new electronic gadget, something for a car...we never had a "rainy day" fund. We lived paycheck to paycheck.
Now, seeing those numbers is a reminder that I do have some control. It reminds me that I can't just remember the good in the relationship because it wasn't all roses. It doesn't mean I wasn't committed to the relationship. It simply means that there can be benefits from being a "me" instead of a "we" and that, the next time I am in a relationship, one requirement is that we can communicate about finances and work together toward our future, not live in the moment.
If you can find that one thing that calms your mind when you can't sleep...the thing that is obvious in reminding you that you could be better off without him, then maybe you can use that as a tool to calm your mind and find some peace in sleep.
Posted 4 months ago # -
willsucceed
offlineMemberMarty, that's great advice. I'll report on what I choose and do when I have the serious sleep problems again. I think I'm going to have just normal sleep problems tonight, but as we get through the divorce, I'm sure I'll be reporting away during the night.
Tomorrow morning I'm participating in a very short, fun race with some of my students. You take your wheel off your bike, run 3miles with the wheel, put it back on the bike and then bike 5 miles. I think it's going to be fun. In the afternoon I join a friend for our long bike ride, which we'll extend some more tomorrow. We've shaved off 15 minutes each Saturday. There is a town that is a 25 mile bike ride there and back and that's my goal before November. We are at a max of 17 miles right now, but have decreased the time it takes (1 hour 15 minutes now, and we started at 2 hours the first time).
In the evening I'm having dinner with my collaborator of the research project at her house. She's the one I went out to Moneyball with and dinner afterward. I'll get to meet her daughter. She's been long divorced.
I'm set for Saturday.
Posted 4 months ago # -
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Posted 4 months ago willsucceed
offlineMemberSociety makes it hard because the absence of a partner seems to scream "undesirable".
Yes, and I guess most people go about this like they do hunting for a job. They figure it's better to have a job to find a new job, so they find a new person while still in a relationship with another person. From what I've read, it doesn't work out with the same logic.
Posted 4 months ago #-
willsucceed
offlineMemberSW, the conversation about the Cinderella Man movie has been percolating in my mind. First, why do you think it has that title? He gets chosen to go to the ball, has his chance and comes out the big winner (and wins much more than just a man to marry :)) He does this after sweeping out the ashes during the Great Depression.
Here's what I'm wondering is your argument, SW. During the fight where he broke his hand, he had hit a wall in his fighting. The breaking of the hand was just another piece of that fight where he had reached his limit. Once he gets his chance again he has grown, has nothing to lose, and goes for it with freedom and heart.
The analogy for us on the forum is that our relationships hit a wall. That could happen for a variety of reasons--some more our faults, some more the other person's faults, but regardless a wall was hit. We on the forum are choosing to go through the pain to grow in ourselves and get to indifference, to be happy with ourselves, which means we have nothing to lose, and that equals freedom. In fact, we can only gain. We can only lose if we stay behind that wall and in the old relationship. Yes, I see it now. We can only gain by growing and being happy in and by ourselves and possibly opening ourselves up to new relationships with someone familiar or someone with whom we grow familiar.
What we have lost now is the day-to-day convenience of a relationship, just like he lost his identity as a fighter (identity associated with that person and as a married person), the steady income (stability parts of a relationship) and his children (affection). However, in the end he gets it all back with spades because now he can be an even better fighter than before. He scaled the wall.
Your thoughts?
Posted 4 months ago # -
willsucceed said:
Your thoughts?All that stuff sounds good, but you're kind of over thinking things.
If you remember in the movie his manager is always telling him to use his "left hand" more and not be so dependent on his right.
When he broke his right hand, he couldn't fight, and they took away his license, but he never gave up.
He went to the docks and covered up his cast and started doing things "left-handed" while his right hand healed.
Now, it was lucky he got the chance to fight again, but he was a "name", and they thought he would go down easy.
They were wrong!
He now not only had his good right hand, but his left became more powerful from having to use it after breaking his right hand.
Even though it would seem like breaking his right hand in the middle of the depression, losing his fighting license, and maybe not being able to work on the docks was bad luck...it changed his life for the better.
Not only that, but it made his dreams come true too.
What boxer doesn't dream of being the world champion?
My point is...don't look at your break up, or divorce as a bad thing, something you did wrong, or a curse.
It is the universe answering your prayers.
Something better is coming your way if you can stay true to your original wish of finding true love, and to be loved the way you deserve.
The only way you can lose is if you give up hope of finding true love, and being happy again.
And that is what most people do when they go through a break up, and that's why their lives become living hells.
Bad things happen for a good reason, it is all part of life, and it will eventually give you what you're asking for.
Just make sure you're asking for the right thing.
That is why I say don't focus on getting your ex back, focus on getting your life back and finding true love again.
The Cinderella Man never gave up!
Stay Strong and Positive!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
Learn How to Create The Destiny of Your Choice
FREE Step-by-Step BREAK UP SURVIVAL PLANPosted 4 months ago # -
willsucceed
offlineMemberLet me think about this latest post and answer it later.
I went to read some old NC diaries and laughed and laughed at this post. One person was describing how she reacts when she sees the model and make of his car on the road.
I can feel the rush of emotions, my heart racing, shaking, everything!
A second person answers with this, which you can only understand if you've gone through this type of thing yourself:
It happens, but keep your heads up. I get those stuff too, especially at the supermarket....:) damn striploins, everyone eats striploins.....kick yourself out of it, and you'll come back to reality.
I just thought this was so funny--again only because we can relate in one way or another. The surprise in reading this was the reaction being about striploins. This just brought home, in a humorous way, the triggers we have. Really, any sane person would wonder at what goes through our minds as we progress through this.
Posted 4 months ago # -
willsucceed
offlineMemberSW, yes, I missed the left hand significance. I remember his trainer focusing on his left hand, but didn't tie it all together like that. Did they make it so explicit that he hit the knock-out punch with his left hand?
You may sense that I don't have much hope for finding another person to love, especially true love. It does seem insurmountable right now. How would I trust someone so openly with my feelings when I know this is what you go through when it ends? How could I find someone compatible that does not have so many problems that are insurmountable? It takes so long to develop trust and a relationship to get to the point of seeing the other person's weaknesses--how can I go through that? Have I been damaged so much by this that I can't actually trust and love again? Will I regain my former self so that I am happy and can share happiness? What kind of bad experiences will I have to go through to meet someone I can trust, respect and love?
I do believe I will get to indifference about him, which means I will have my life back and not worry about what/where/when he's doing. I do strongly hope I can be happy by myself and create a fulfilling single life. But to take that next step and love someone else, I'm not so sure about that.
Is that giving up and not developing my left arm? Will I not fully recover without hope for future love?
Posted 4 months ago #
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