FREE BREAK UP SURVIVAL PLAN
Why do we always want what we can't have....(10 posts) (7 voices)
Posted 5 years ago
So I've been thinking today, really really deeply thinking about my ex and our relationship. Thinking with my head rather than with my heart! I'm wondering sometimes why I want to be with my ex (and to be honest at this point I'm not sure I do anymore)! He's done many many hurtful things to me and though some things may change like he may decide to want me again, he may realize once again that I am the woman of his life and want to marry me SOME things will never change. Certain charateristics of people never change. The one that really really bothers me about my ex is that he is selfish - and why would I possibly want to be with a man who is selfish. I've always wondered what would happen if I was in the hospital? I'm not sure he would take very good care of me. Anyhow the point is, despite all of this somewhere deep down I have wanted and sometimes want my ex back and want him to ask me to marry me? So why why why???? To be honest, I sometimes think that it's because I want what I cannot have right now. It drives me bananas that I can't have him, especially since the relationship he was in before me (3 years before me he was very young) seriously damaged him. He was with a girl who cheated on him repeatedly and despite this he was going to marry her. Not only was he going to marry her but he was even converting to judaism for her and spent a month in Israel, regularly meeting with the rabbi etc....It always drove me nuts that he gave so much love and commitment to someone who betrayed him many times and I who was always amazing with him, he couldn't even give me 1/4 of that (though at the beginning of our relationship he gave a lot, things changed with time). I have to ask myself truthfully - and this is the answer I am searching for IF getting my ex back is not half a challenge because I can't have him more than just really wanting him?
What do you guys think? Does not having our exes make us want them even more? If that's the case then we should use it as inspiration for NC -imagine how they must feel after you reject them too with NC?
Would love to hear everyone's opinions on the subject?"From doormat to dreamgirl" we can do it : )
Everyone wants what they cant have. I personally think that is why lots of relationships fail. The chase is great but once you have it, the thrill is no longer there because no one keeps the same amount of excitment and passion as they had in the beginning. Everyone can get back together with there exs its the getting them to stay that will be the challenge. After going through all this once though, i think we are a lot more prepared to keep the chase going longer then we did. The minute you give up your walking away power (the ability to leave when they do unacceptable behaviourd) They know they control the situation and they can have you when they want you. NC will make all the difference in how much we are willing to give the second time around or prepare us much better for our next relationship.
From my experience, you need to hold the power in the relationship.
And the power always rests with the person who needs the relationship the least.
That's the real secret in a relationship and it requires a lot of self control and self compromise. But it means that we deal with relationships and break ups a lot better and we don't get into the sort of state that finds us here.Give a man a match, and he'll be a little warm for a minute. But set him on fire, and he'll be red hot for the rest of his life.
Scorchio you gave me an answer to some other problems in life. I just realised today that in most things in my life, I was giving off a frequency of need. I needed my job, my relationship, in short I was always working from a presumption that if I didnt try hard enough, I might lose it all. Being the perfectionist that I have always been this was sort of unacceptable for me. So yeah now I am just gonna lean back with everything in life. Let go of everything, try to detach myself from everything. My employers held the power coz I needed the job, I should remember that I have studied a lot of things and that I know a lot of stuff, if not this something else will work out. God is there.If you can't handle me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best. - Marilyn Monroe
"When you respond to an unreasonable person by getting emotional, you give them victory. How do you manage unreasonable people? You dismiss them...Like shadows" David Viscott..
True, KC, i think that even i may be sending out the neediness feeling into the universe coz reading thru above all it makes me think a lot
Knowing that ur bf tried converting to judaism, makes me think that i now want to convert to being a protestant for my bf, so am i again being needy?
i will hurt my parents and maybe his parents will be happy and den accept me, so am i giving away my power to them?
and why do i still feel i i want him back?
yes there was a time wen my ex used to ask me everyday to get married and wanted me to take baptism classes, i was not ready to convert just for d sake of marriage coz i felt dat i am okay wid going to church wid him even if he was not okay for me to go to gurudwara, but den do i hav to prove my love to him by converting as only den our marriage cud hav happened?
so maybe i was not needy den and he was den?
and wat scares me is d fact he has done a complete360degree turn and has not even once called me, wen he used to call me every second, so maybe after break up i am needy?
I really need to change my vibes now coz wen i met him 1.5yrs ago i was happy and didnt have any of those needy vibes.
who knows , but i still need him to be my life partner.
so again ami i being needy?
let me know
Scorchio - You are absolutely right, I had a 7 year relationship before this 1 1/2 year one and in the 7 year relationship I was definitely the one who "needed" the relationship the least. But I ended things because I wasn't in love anymore and I wasn't satisfied anymore by the relationship so ideally you find a relationship which is equal (though that rarily happens). In my last relationship my ex as I now clearly see started as the needy one and as soon as he was secure in the fact that he had me, he distanced himself and stopped putting effort and "watering/nurturing the garden" so to speak. Though I've been through horrible things because of my ex, that fact that I was so deeply in love with him meant I also had much more powerful moments than in my 7 yr less needy relationship. I guess it depends on your character, are you happier in a calmer, less chalenging relationship with a nice person you love or do you want passion and someone that will challenge you and make you become a better person (but then taking a risk that you might get really hurt).
KC your post made me smile - we are so similar, I'm such a perfectionist too that I come off as needy in everything else I do, friendships, job etc....but I as you am also learning to "let go" chill out.....It's like SW said, we have to be able to truly let go for this to work. I think today I finally achieved that by removing the final link of contact I had with my ex which was fb. I removed him and his friends who might post photos of him as I am truly letting go. I no longer care/nor want to know what he is doing. It is too painful and as I told him, I will not be his friend. I figure if I will not be his friend in real life why should we be friends on fb.
Beauty - yours is a tough situation. I haven't read your brake up story but religion can really screw things up as some people feel very very strongly about it. I understand though, you feel like why should you be the one to convert and not him? Maybe this NC will do both of you good, realize where your priorities lie. If it's meant to be with him, it will work out, even if it means you convert and vice-versa. I think we all "need" someone, everyone does BUT where it gets unhealthy is when you NEED someone who is not treating you the way they should, not treating you with respect. That is when you should be able to walk away and say that you don't need such a person in your life "let go" eventhough it might be hard."From doormat to dreamgirl" we can do it : )
Just to clarify, i will never want anyone whom i love to change for me, anything which defines them, coz i love my bf the way he is as this is his identity and i will never ask him to change anything for me, even his religion as i accept him the way he is, wholly and completely.
I wish he wud have accepted me the way i am.And he sure treated me the right way, only issue being that it had to be his way always.
[quote] "his way always" is a big issue beauty. as my grandma always rightly told me a relationship is a 2 way street. it's give and take and compromise from both people."From doormat to dreamgirl" we can do it : )
I'm at a position where I was and still am completely healthy emotionally. I went through a bad divorce 3 years ago so I took the time to figure things out within myself and was dating and ready to get into a healthy relationship. I kept control of everything, however, my ex was just out of a 14 year dead marriage when we got together. So I know that there is some healing that he needs to do on his own, this is the reason I think that he left without a word or explanation 2 weeks ago. I am confused yet I love him extremely (he's been looking for me for 20 years since we had a crush on each other in high school) so I want him to deal with his own hurts with his own divorce. But even though I am healthier than him, I still want him back now! It's funny because we all want what we can't have but we also don't want to be patient about possibly getting it. We want it now and no later. I think that our old relationship should die more for his sake than mine. True love is when you put the other persons needs before your own. Love is not easily forgotten so if it is strong for each other they will come back. Patience for that day is key. If we only get out of our own way then we can show with the NC message that we also have respect for the things that they need to work on.
Patience for that day is key. If we only get out of our own way then we can show with the NC message that we also have respect for the things that they need to work on.
I worry about that-whether I want him because I cant have him. Like a chain, he wants her cus she acts like she is fine without him (in the beginning) and I was the one that was after him cus he was rejecting me! Vicious cycle! Now, things are turning a little and they will keep turning. Thanks to this NC and MOMU and scott!
TIME TIME TIME... Although, I dont want to speak of both sides of my mouth, cus I am d one that wishes time will go by faster than the FFT! lol but I do realize and know that time is key and we must be patient and WE have to get out of our own way!Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life.
You must log in to post.