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shapingup NC diary
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I will NEVER sell, trade, rent, or give away your information to any third party.
I HATE SPAM! Read Our Privacy PolicyPosted 1 month ago shapingup
offlineInactivei think you guys are right about the move. i was in a bit of shock at first i think but now the fun of finding a new place, and allowing my son to help, has set in and we may already have found a sweet dream house for just us two (as i like to say to my son). i think the real blessing in disguise is that i have something way bigger and more important to think about now so im thinking of my ex less and less each day this week. today i thought about him while doing prepacking cleaning and it didnt hurt like it did. i just thought: he was so ridiculous! and thank god hes not my problem anymore. those thoughts felt great!:)
Posted 1 month ago #-
shapingup
offlineInactivethe fun of packing and getting ready to move suddenly turned in to a big pity party for myself all weekend. with my son gone to his dads for an extended weekend and me, alone in my house, had nothing but my stupid thoughts to keep me company. i basically ended up with a puffy face, red and swollen eyes and a nice big fat headache each night. i am sorting through my things, trying to consolidate (new house is half the size of my current house) so in the process ive found "treasures" reminding me of my ex, and better times, EVERYWHERE.
ive cried seemingly nonstop since friday evening.i feel like im going through another breakup, with my fucking house... this sucks.
Posted 1 month ago # -
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Posted 1 month ago -
shapingup
offlineInactivethanks luna... i have a big victory to share with everyone:
today, i was eating lunch when i received a text from my ex. he was talking about some nonesense... his debit card information had been used to purchase several thousand dollars of electronic equipment and did i know anyone who would use his debit card without his permission? huh? i replied to the text: wrong number man. i made him think i had changed my phone number. when i got back to my office i saw that i had missed several phone calls from him and he left a detailed message about the theft and that he didn't think i had anything to do with it (then why are you calling me shitdick?) and did i know anything about it? (hmmm, you mean because you know i didn't have anything to do with it?) and he also wanted to know how my son and i are doing? i did not return his call and then i blocked him on FB.
he tried calling three more times after that... caller id is my very favorite thing in the whole wide world right now.
after i move, he will have a hard time finding me. this gives me as much anxiety as it does comfort.
Posted 1 month ago # -
willsucceed
offlineMembershapingup, good job on sticking to NC. I hope you had/did something yesterday to celebrate your victory!
I had the same feelings about changing my phone number, but now I can relax when I receive a call from a number I don't recognize, I don't cringe when I open the pictures on the phone, and I know the messages and contacts won't have his name. It is much easier to use my phone now.
Posted 1 month ago # -
shapingup said:
i did not return his call and then i blocked him on FB.Great Job SU!
shapingup said:
caller id is my very favorite thing in the whole wide world right now.So is voice mail.
If you do not recognize the number, or it is blocked, let it roll to VM.
Stay Strong and Positive!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
Learn How to Create The Destiny of Your Choice
FREE Step-by-Step BREAK UP SURVIVAL PLANPosted 1 month ago # -
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Posted 1 month ago -
shapingup
offlineInactiveso, update:
he called my work again, and left a voicemail... this time, he was nearly flat out accusing me of the theft. i sent him an email, from my work addy, in the subject line i simply wrote, "i dont know anything about your debit card. stop calling me." the next day i received an email reply with a long explaination about how he wasnt accusing me and sorry if it sounded like it and he would never think i would do something like that to him nor did he think i would help anyone else do it (obviously this IS what he thought. otherwise, why mention it?). anyway, attached underneath that very businesslike paragraph was a card that read "unless it is mad passionate extraordinary love it is a waste of time. there are too many mediocre things in life. love should not be one of them." and then under the card he wrote, "you will never hear from me again:(" frowny face made by him.
this man is fucking with me... bad. i did not respond, instead i forwarded the email to my buddy and wrote her... she is my voice of reason... from someone outside the situation looking in. she keeps my head straight because i would have rattled that message around in my mind (my buddy and i call it THE CARD), over examining it until i finally broke down to contact my ex. well... that was my old behavior anyway, before scott and his forum and my buddy. anyway, the email hurt a lot... i was depressed for a few hours, but not for days like i would have been just a few weeks ago. progress!
heres what i want to know: in sending the email with the stop calling me message, did i break NC in an unhealthy way? ive read other diaries on the forum where the ex sends a message and then the forum member will send a short polite reply and scott will say "good job so-and-so!
this is where the NC plan confuses me a little. is it realy NO CONTACT or is more like no contact about feelings? i hope that i can get some clarification now that im posting my question.
Posted 1 month ago # -
shapingup said:
heres what i want to know: in sending the email with the stop calling me message, did i break NC in an unhealthy way? ive read other diaries on the forum where the ex sends a message and then the forum member will send a short polite reply and scott will say "good job so-and-so! this is where the NC plan confuses me a little. is it realy NO CONTACT or is more like no contact about feelings? i hope that i can get some clarification now that im posting my question.This is covered in the many articles about NC on my Blog.
If an ex sends you a holiday greeting, or happy birthday, it is OK to say thank you...that's it.
That depends on you.
I say ignore those messages because you asked not to be contacted, right?
They rip your fucking heart out, and then think a Merry Christmas/Happy Birthday makes everything better, it does, for them.
It makes them feel better about themselves, helps relive their guilt or whatever they are trying to get rid of.
But, if you feel like you're being rude (which was a big complaint in the beginning), then send a short reply like "thank you", there is nothing wrong with that.
If they interpret this as an opening and continue to message you can either:
A. Ignore the messages.
B. Resend the NC message, and continue to ignore their messages after that.
I recommend B.
Your situation doesn't fall under the Holiday greeting category so it is a no-brainer (if you had been reading my Blog and learning how to use no contact).
This is not shared business, this is your asshole ex trying to get you to talk with him.
Who cares what happened to his fucking Debit card?
Why does he think it is your problem?
He doesn't respect you or your NC message, so what should you do (or should have done)?
You should have just resent the NC message (no changes), keep sending it until it fucking sinks in.
The game will stop if you refuse to play it...make sense?
You need to go read every article on my Blog until you understand the main concept of NC.
It is not about ignoring your ex, it is about cutting them out of your personal life, your inner circle, and it is about stopping them from trying to continue to control you after the break up, it is about getting your life back.
How the fuck can you get your life back if your ex keeps interrupting you, and pulling you backwards?
Here is something else to consider when reading older (2 years or more) forum posts. The plan has evolved since then, and things that were OK back then, are not now, why?
Results showed they weren't working out, so I stopped recommending that strategy.
That is why it is important that you understand the concept and objective of the no contact rule as it is applied in the free plan, and in our forum.
If you really want to succeed, you will not respond to your ex (unless it is a shared matter...children, financial, business...etc), and you will just keep sending the exact same NC message you first sent your ex over and over until your ex backs off.
Your ex sends you an inappropriate message (one that doesn't apply to the shared scenario)...resend the NC message.
If you have to discuss a shared matter, keep it all about the business at hand, and if they try to bring up your personal life, the breakup, or NC, just reply: "I am not ready to talk about that".
Can it be any easier?
This is all covered in the articles on my Blog about NC.
You have to read them all because this was a process that evolved over time.
I just didn't pop up on the internet one day with all these ideas, I came up with them as I interacted with more and more people with different breakup situations.
I think we have just about covered all of them after almost 4 years, and 100's of situations.
shapingup said:
the email hurt a lotThis is another great reason to make your ex stop contacting you.
The solution is another no-brainer.
He can't hurt you with dumb-ass emails if you don't read them, right?
Here is what you do next time you get an email from your ex (which you will).
1. Delete the email right away without even opening it.
2. Resend the NC message without any changes.
I read your breakup story and you didn't mention actually having children with him, so you don't need to contact him, right?
If you do have unfinished business, get it finished, and then you don't have to make contact with him. This is also mentioned in the free plan, and the articles on my Blog about NC.
It is pretty much common sense, if you tie up your loose ends with your ex, you don't have to interact with your ex until you want to.
I think people who stretch the drama (finding excuses to keep in contact with their ex) secretly want to keep contacting their ex hoping one day things will magically workout, and they will live happily ever after.
I haven't seen that happen yet.
You "almost" did the right thing.
You shouldn't have emailed anything to your ex (about the debit card drama) without asking for advice on the forum.
I would have told you what I just told you.
Delete the email, and re-send the NC message.
Hopefully now you have "let him" hurt you enough, and you will start following the plan.
Stay Strong and Positive!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
Learn How to Create The Destiny of Your Choice
FREE Step-by-Step BREAK UP SURVIVAL PLANPosted 1 month ago # -
shapingup
offlineInactivethanks scott, yeah, i figured youd rip me for this one. ill go back to reread the articles, i havent visited them since i signed up initially. and yes, i think hes hurt me enough.
ok, i just resent the nc message... much to my ex's delight im sure. now im positive he thinks im crazy... what is it now, three times that hes received that message? ugh.
Posted 1 month ago # -
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Posted 1 month ago willsucceed
offlineMemberSW, even after coming to understand the rationale behind your plan, and behind NC specifically, I appreciated reading it again in your post above. The reference to the inner circle was meaningful. Also, the stark contrast of them ripping our hearts out, but then sending a happy bday message is good to remember. Thanks for all the times you repeat yourself.
Posted 1 month ago #-
shapingup said:
ok, i just resent the nc message... much to my ex's delight im sure. now im positive he thinks im crazy... what is it now, three times that hes received that message? ugh.Great Job SU!
Third times a charm.
It doesn't matter what your ex thinks about you, he should be checking his own actions.
Honestly, you're ex is the crazy person.
How hard is it to "not" do something, it requires no action, and yet, he can't do it.
Who is the lame fuck now?
The more you send the message, the stronger you will get, and the more dented his ass will get, and sooner or later (hopefully sooner) he will get the idea, and leave you alone like your NC message asked him to.
The only thing that makes you "look crazy" is when you break NC after he nudges you, the more you stick to the plan, the less you look crazy, and the sooner he starts to feel pathetic (as he should).
This will help both of you.
When the NC rule is used correctly (in my experience anyways), it benefits both you and your ex.
Someday (after he evolves past the breakup) he will thank you for doing all this, whether you get back together to not.
You are NOT crazy...crazy is when you keep making the same mistakes expecting different results...that's crazy.
Stay Strong and Positive!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
Learn How to Create The Destiny of Your Choice
FREE Step-by-Step BREAK UP SURVIVAL PLANPosted 1 month ago # -
willsucceed said:
Thanks for all the times you repeat yourself.It isn't the repeating that gets me aggravated, it is my concern that people will not take the time to do their own research, and just take my word for everything.
The more you read (my Blog, our forum), the more you will understand how I came to realize the things I am telling you.
After that, it will make more sense to you, and then your switch will flip all the way over, and you will "get it".
You will stop flip-flopping back and fourth between believing, and not believing this plan will work for you.
I have to admit, it sucks to repeat things over and over, and since my typing skills suck, (I can't touch type, yet) I would rather only have to type things once.
But, that is NOT the main reason I harp about the information being on my Blog, and scattered all across our forum.
I want to make sure that every person gathers the information they need as quickly as possible.
I realize that finding what you need is not easy, there are "little gems" scattered all over our forum, my Blog posts, and in my Blog comments.
But I guarantee if you take the time to read through that stuff you will learn a lot, why?
You will experience it happening right before your eyes, just as it happened to me and the people I was trying to help.
That is why I call the Blog "my" Blog, and the forum "our" forum.
I did all the work on my Blog, but our forum is a collaboration of my efforts, and the efforts of all the "contributing" forum members.
If people weren't brave enough to share their stories, feelings, mistakes, triumphs, and explain what they did to help themselves...
This forum would be useless.
You have to remember, you are not just helping yourselves, you are also helping everyone that comes behind you looking for help.
It's kinda cool when you think about it, huh?
Nobody ever said it was going to be easy helping yourself, or helping others, but it will definitely be worth it...I promise.
Aggravating at times...
but still worth it.
Stay Strong and Positive!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
Learn How to Create The Destiny of Your Choice
FREE Step-by-Step BREAK UP SURVIVAL PLANPosted 1 month ago # -
shapingup
offlineInactivei had my first facebook "hit and run" accident yesterday. while visiting my old street, my friend's husband said to me, "hey i saw on fb that your ex is in love with [new girls name]." i felt time come to a complete standstill and then i felt like i had been sucker punched. i dont think he was thinking clearly when that came out of his mouth. i know he never meant to hurt me, but WOW.
umph. so i said, "i dont want to talk about him." and he didnt mention it again (and i know he felt terrible for letting that slip), but that is now stuck in my head like a police siren "hes in love again already hes in love again already hes in love again already hes in love again already hes in love again already"
fuck.
i hate facebook.
Posted 1 month ago # -
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Posted 1 month ago Choi14
offlineMemberRemember Scott's words!!!
http://blog.howtogetyourexbackfast.com/my-ex-boyfriend-has-a-new-girlfriend-how-do-i-get-him-back/
Crtl-F and type "does he really love her?"
I hope I helped a little.
Posted 1 month ago #-
willsucceed
offlineMemberShapingup, I'm sorry you had to go through that. I can't imagine why someone would be dense enough to not realize how much that hurt. I know that any news at all about my ex causes my mind to zoom in and focus on that relentlessly over and over. This type of statement would do that even more. Please try the fast-forward technique and other ways to interrupt the repeated patterns. Those thoughts are emotionally and physically exhausting, I know.
Posted 1 month ago # -
shapingup
offlineInactiveive been struggling a lot lately. could be that the weather here is extreme... one day cool, crisp and nice, the next, humid, warm and overcast or rainy. it sucks for the attitude.
anyway, of course i havent heard from my ex, he still thinks ive changed my number... i highly recommend this if youre serious about nc and you dont want the hassle and inconvenience of changing your number.
still, ive been thinking about him a lot and especially because:
a) he is now in another relationship and i often wonder: does he love her, like, for real?
b) i miss all the good things about him. humans are hardwired to forget the bad things/painful things in life (think childbirth) so we often reminisce about the fun times and good times in our past instead of thinking: that fucker tore my heart out! we just forget. so that's where i am... trying to remember why i broke up with his stupid ass in the first place.thank god for two things: 1) he doesnt call or text because he thinks my number has changed. (im a genuis for doing this! yes, i am.) 2) my buddy: she is a voice a reason (i know ive said this before) and, if not for her, she, who really "gets me", i would have given up NC a long time ago and decided, "i can contiue to see him, even with his girlfriend, until i am no longer in love." yeah. right.
because, like an addiction to a drug, my ex gives me temporary relief when i break NC... which only set me back, even if i think that, at the time, i am ok and i can handle it.
its a difficult struggle.
Posted 3 weeks ago # -
shapingup said:
still, ive been thinking about him a lot and especially because:a) he is now in another relationship and i often wonder: does he love her, like, for real?
b) i miss all the good things about him. humans are hardwired to forget the bad things/painful things in life (think childbirth) so we often reminisce about the fun times and good times in our past instead of thinking: that fucker tore my heart out! we just forget. so that's where i am... trying to remember why i broke up with his stupid ass in the first place.thank god for two things: 1) he doesnt call or text because he thinks my number has changed. (im a genuis for doing this! yes, i am.) 2) my buddy: she is a voice a reason (i know ive said this before) and, if not for her, she, who really "gets me", i would have given up NC a long time ago and decided, "i can contiue to see him, even with his girlfriend, until i am no longer in love." yeah. right.
All this shit belongs in your "home" journal, not in your NC diary.
Making believe you changed your number will only work until he figures it out, and he will.
If you're REALLY serious about winning this battle you will go through the "inconvenience" of actually changing your number, and get it over with.
You need to re-read, or probably read for the first time, the forum guidelines, there is some good advice on what to post, and what not to post.
I have been too relaxed about enforcing the guidelines, and the posting problem is starting to spread.
Not any more, I will start banning people for breaking the forum guidelines, why?
Because it is a lot easier than repeating myself, or repeating things that members should already know.
If people have a question about what is allowed, PM me before posting it in our forum, but be forewarned.
I am one person, and I do not have the time to answer 50 PM's a day, or to moderate (and address) unacceptable forum posts.
This is a self-help system, and that means each member has to "pull their own weight", or the whole system collapses.
I will not let that happen, and that is why I ban people from posting, to keep the system alive and well.
This isn't kindergarten, everyone here should be an adult, and able to read and understand what we are doing here.
There are plenty of forums where you (and anyone else who can't follow the forum guidelines) can go post your daily activities without any problem...go do it there.
shapingup said:
2) my buddy: she is a voice a reason (i know ive said this before) and, if not for her, she, who really "gets me",i would have given up NC a long time agoFirst off, the blind leading the blind never works out well.
Your buddy should've followed her own advice, it is easy to "give" advice, but a lot harder to follow it.
Actions speak louder than words.
I know you miss your buddy so I am going to make it easy and ban you from posting as well.
You don't need to post to follow the free plan and succeed, and I don't need more members who do not understand the forum guidelines to clean up after.
Buh-bye!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
Learn How to Create The Destiny of Your Choice
FREE Step-by-Step BREAK UP SURVIVAL PLANPosted 3 weeks ago #
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