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Samxarra's NC Diary
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I will NEVER sell, trade, rent, or give away your information to any third party.
I HATE SPAM! Read Our Privacy PolicyPosted 4 months ago Jonathan
offlineMembersamxarra said:
Hell! I realized that I have not deleted a entire folder of his emails sent to me. All 5.5 years of emails!I just deleted them. No bloody point to hold on to stuff that reminds us back of our pain.
You did the right thing!
Deleting everything that reminded me of my ex helped me a lot.
Or put them in the bottom box in your basement
Posted 4 months ago #-
samxarra
offlineMemberOoh, I'm in bloody pain the last two days and have been throwing up. I am having panic attacks!
Today was a good day, I received a gift from a colleague at work and he gave me 'The Gendarme' by Mark Mustan. Looks pretty intense. The strange thing is, this book is about genocide and the complexities of memory, guilt, love, and forgiveness. LOA is speaking to me, minus the genocide. Seriously. Doesn't this encompasses emotions that I am going through right now?
Strange indeed.
I think my book collection will get bigger the next few months coz I'm really making myself busy reading!
I also ordered a copy of "I Can Heal Your Broken Heart" by Paul McKenna. Has not arrived yet, but I read the reviews and this seemed good to help cope with rewiring your mind. Which I know right now it's fused up and burnt.
I need re-wiring.
I need to stay positive but this holiday period is seriously getting me down and out. Can't complaint much, but yeah, have to ride the storm.I've been listening to 'The Power' daily. Somehow today, I got very emotional listening to it, gaaah, I know it speaks truth about "love". I'll post it in LOA section, I have questions.
Keep calm and carry on.Posted 4 months ago # -
lunapearl
offlineMemberhi sam, i have questions for u, do you still feel that you want him back? if he wants to be with you again, what would you do?? im curious because you are really doing well..
Posted 4 months ago # -
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Posted 4 months ago samxarra
offlineMemberHi Luna!
Honestly, right now no. I don't want him back, and I am trying not thinking about him wanting to be with me again because I only want to stop sabotaging my recovery.
My reasons are simple. If he had really wanted to be with me, he would have compromised and not give me impositions.
Secondly, ANY guy who puts me in this situation does not deserve any more chances (I gave him 1.5 years to think this through and that time given was not well spent), because this hurt is real and disruptive to my life.
Thirdly, I am here not to get him back, but get ME back.
I am not entirely doing well, but I am trying everyday to hold on to Nc and get a grip together. Being alone is hard, but being in a relationship that has no future of compromising is sabotaging my own happiness. I walked out because I realized my happiness was much more important than carrying a burden than would make me unhappy for the rest of my life.
Yes, love is hard to come by, but it isn't true love if the person doesn't accept you fully for the person you are and tries to change you into accepting things that you know you cannot live with.
I can live with myself. Can I live without him? Yes! I have for nearly 6 weeks.
Keep calm and carry on.Posted 4 months ago #-
scat997
offlineMemberGreat post sam! That is all so true. There's absolutely no point in hanging onto something that doesn't make you happy, and over time you will be more and more happy the further this relationship is in the past! You've been rocking it. Also New Year's is coming, which makes it feel like an even better time to put the past in the past and focus on ourselves!
"Numquam se minus solum quam cum solus."Posted 4 months ago # -
lunapearl
offlineMemberhi sam! actually i have something in my mind, i was the one who made him feel like you do(doesn't accept you fully for the person you are and tries to change you into accepting things that you know you cannot live with), i think i have to let him go and let him find his happiness, he wants to try to be with someone else..
oh you love reading books, have you read men are from mars women are from venus?
Posted 4 months ago # -
samxarra
offlineMemberLuna, it doesn't matter now. Not for you and not for me. What matters is that we both have to start living who we are and not who we are with.
Forgive yourself first. We all make mistakes. Honestly, I have yet to forgive myself for my own oblivious take on this destruction but I know I will come very soon to forgiveness. The good thing is, I realized my role in it, and am trying not to dwell on it too much.
You are correct. Let him go and let him find his own happiness. You'll find your own. If we cannot walk a path together, then we walk separately to find that happiness within ourselves first before walking a path with another.
The Secret says 'You have to fill yourself up first with love to attract love.'
Yes, I have read Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. It's my relationship bible. I had it since I was 20-21? Good books, and I have the rest of the babbles from Dr John Gray
Keep calm and carry on.Posted 4 months ago # -
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Posted 4 months ago samxarra
offlineMemberToday was a good day! I went out for dinner with an old guy friend, who was there for me during my break with the previous ex before Mr Ex. He's still here for me, although older and pudgier
Talked about stuff, his business, his ideas and alot of other stuff that we used to do together when we were in university and those memories really made me smile.
He asked me today 'Why didn't we even try to date? We would have been good together!' Well, I told him we didn't date coz he was the type of guy that I would be buddies with (we still are!) but could not be romantically involved because I'm pretty much attracted to men who exude power. Hehehe.
He laughed at me and then said 'You don't know that it's YOU who have power and make almost every one of your bfs weak!'. LOL, too funny.
When I was driving, realization hits in. It's true! I have that power of female grace! I have always chosen who I wanted to date or be with, I never ran after a man. They run after me. So you know what ladies, it's US who have that power over men (sorry guys, it's not sexist talk here, but emo psycho babble). It's us who choose! Men chase after us, but we choose. We have that choice.
So ladies, we are given choices everyday. We just need to choose helping ourselves into developing our female prowess and grow ourselves as matured women. We don't need games, we need men who treats us well but it's important first that WE treat ourselves well.
So hell yes, tomorrow I'm really going for a treat. I'm taking out my best LBD, go to a wine bar, get a nice Italian dinner and try find that woman who is comfortable in her own skin, ALL on her own. No man needed.
One of my goals anyway.
It's Friday and being single does mean I mope in PJs and drink till I'm drunk alone.
Girls just wanna have fun!
Keep calm and carry on.Posted 4 months ago #-
samxarra
offlineMemberI had a ball of a time the last two days. Wow, I never felt my body going into crazy tiredness but I am, this morning!
Friday was awesome. I dolled myself up to a wine bar, had a nice dinner at a poshy Italian restaurant and then met some friends. Strange that when you are a woman eating alone, waiters really are attentive to your needs. Hehe.
I then hung out with my friend who was in the company of her friends, and had a crazy time with nice bubblies! It's been a long time since I came home at 4am, I really had thought my body was going to break down the next morning! Who really cares, I had fun!
Yesterday, I had a houseparty with friends for New Year's and again, it was ahappy fun night. Of course, there were kids and babies screaming away but I really didn't mind them. In fact, I thoroughly enjoyed myself!
I had a blocked number calling me a few minutes after midnight, but I didn't pick up. Could be my ex. So I ignored it. I really am quite wary.
Did I miss him? I did, coz we always spend New Years together. However, I also realized yesterday thatI can do New Year's without him, have fun with my friends and their families.
I feel that I am starting to get stronger, when I don't care anymore. I read somewhere that 'he who cares the least, has the most control.'. I agree coz psychologically, if it didn't matter to you, it won't appear in your head.
So I kinda want to keep that line in my head. I don't want to care so much. I'm just going to let it flow and go with it.
New start and it better start good!
Happy New Year everyone!
Keep calm and carry on.Posted 4 months ago # -
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Posted 4 months ago samxarra said:
Happy New Year everyone!Happy New Year Sam!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
Learn How to Create The Destiny of Your Choice
FREE Step-by-Step BREAK UP SURVIVAL PLANPosted 4 months ago #-
samxarra
offlineMemberI had my reward today
I bought a pair of killer stilettos. I am planning to go away in mid January to an exotic island for 5 days and throughly enjoy myself.
I've booked my tickets, and got myself a very nice villa with a sundeck and private pool, and I will surely go enjoy myself.
I have also checked out some nice restaurants, things to do and am very excited about it. I plan to do a full day cycling trip on the second day, do some hiking, then pamper myself with a spa and do whatever else that interests me.
Perks of being single. Do whatever you want, how you want and being responsible for myself and happiness. No holds barred.
I'm actually feeling very good!
Keep calm and carry on.Posted 4 months ago # -
samxarra
offlineMemberHey Luna!
I am going alone :), need the me time.
I have caught the flu today and I feel really terrible. I have a bad throat, running nose and I think my body is breaking apart. Sign of aging after partying too much. Haha.
Sickness made me think of my ex. Just for one fleeting moment of need. However, I know I can take care of myself, so that's a positive drive.
I'm probably not going to meet my goals this week. I will continue reading, I should put it as one of my goals.
Keep calm and carry on.Posted 4 months ago # -
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Posted 4 months ago samxarra said:
I'm probably not going to meet my goals this week.You know...
The real target is not to meet your goals every time because that is pretty much impossible, seeing that life is totally unpredictable at times.
The real achievement, is not giving up even when you miss a few goals now and then.
That is the "real" difference between people who "try", and people who actually get things done.
They never give up.
Stay Strong and Positive!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
Learn How to Create The Destiny of Your Choice
FREE Step-by-Step BREAK UP SURVIVAL PLANPosted 4 months ago #-
lunapearl
offlineMemberhi sam!!
you caught flu?? hope you'll get better tomorrow!! i always feel better if i take paracetamol every 6 hours, if i have bad throat i always drink more warm plain water, it dilutes the phlegm! you may relax on your bed today hahaha!
hey today i feel so muchhh better!! here i transfer my energy to youuuuuu!!
Posted 4 months ago # -
samxarra
offlineMemberThanks Scott and Luna!
I feel slightly better today after seeing a GP, hopefully I should be up and good to go for this weekend.
I received news last night that my volunteer application for a musuem has been accepted and they want me to come in on Saturday to work with the team in support of an event that will come up at the end of February. I'm very excited about this because the lastI volunteered was probably 2 years ago, and then I didn't have time due to extensive work commitment.
Now that I am back on track and have time, I am glad to get this opportunity! I always loved art history so this is an art museum, it works out very well. I know this is LOA working because I really felt happy thinking about working at the museum again (after a two year hiatus), what I would do when I got in and I sent my application in early December. And it's here for me!
Magic!
I wanted it very much and felt happy doing it and it presents itself.I feel better now (physcially), although the cold is still there. Overall, I'm feeling very good albeit the cold, but emotionally, I'm rocking it.
Being here, supporting others really makes a difference. It's a journey of learning and supporting.
Keep calm and carry on.Posted 4 months ago # -
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Posted 4 months ago samxarra
offlineMemberIm back after the needed rest from flu. Feel so much better and definitely ready for the week ahead.
My day at the museum went very well yesterday. I've been given the role of supporting event co-ordinator and boy, I will have my hands full!
Very excited about it. I'll be going for twice weekly meetups in preparation for the actual event in Feb. I met new people at the volunteer event and hit off really well with a group of late twenties-thirty somethings. We are planning to go out for drinks after the second meetup on Weds.
I don't remember how long I have been on NC, but I think it's about 7 weeks. I do feel better, although I do miss my ex at times. I guess time will heal all wounds. I've stopped talking about him to my friends, there's really nothing to talk about him anymore.
Today a friend, I haven't met asked how things were with him. Told her Ibroke it off. Her reaction 'You must be nuts!'. Calmly, I said 'No, I'm not. Being happy on my own is much better than being in a relationship with no future.' She started to talk me out of it, but I told her to respect my decision and let things be. She shut it.
I live by signature. Keep calm and carry on, and soon the days will pass without much notice.
Keep calm and carry on.Posted 4 months ago #-
lunapearl
offlineMemberhey sam!
your activities are really fun! it's good to meet new people!
the same happened to me, yesterday, one of my friend asked me how things were with him, i said we broke up, he kept asking but i just smiled and said i didnt want to talk about that, haha!
tell us more about your good days! it's good hearing from you!
best days for you!
Posted 4 months ago # -
samxarra
offlineMemberThis entire week has been so packed with activities! I started t the museum, we are meetig 2x a week, plus my I'm doing 2 hours of Zumba 3x a week, I have also got me bicyle which I have gone crazy about and I have a work project to complete in 6 weeks!
Phew!
Now, this is BUSY, and I like it! I haven't thought of my ex this entire week because I'm so dead tired after getting home about 9ish-10 every night. I'm like an Energizer bunny this week, hopefully I get some breather time when I go off for my vacation tomorrow.
It's exciting and liberating to feel that I can be happy without a man by my side. As difficult as I thought it would be initially, I'm glad that I've come so far out to what, nearly 8 weeks? Lost count!
Stay happy everyone!
Keep calm and carry on.Posted 4 months ago # -
samxarra
offlineMemberI'm off for my one week vacation everyone! I just cannot wait. I'm so excited and I feel really good, coz I'm treating ME good.:-)
I'll be back in a week and probably have plenty to share during my 'Rediscover Me Vacation'.
Stay strong people
Keep calm and carry on.Posted 4 months ago # -
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Posted 4 months ago -
samxarra
offlineMemberI'm back from my vacation!
I had a really awesome time. I went cycling, bumming at the beach with chick flicks books, hanging out at gorgeous beachfront bars, met new people and just did everything I wanted! I feel refreshed and rejuvenated and positively calm.
I also had lots of time to reflect about my relationship, me as a person and my ex. I realized we are good people but weren't meant to be together. I didn't feel crazy that my relationship is over because I believed it was the best thing for both of us. I know that I've come along quite far now, it's now about 10 weeks that I've stayed in NC and I'm moving on past the shock. I also have accepted that this is done and I have to look forward into being happy on my own.
I'm calm these days, I have not cried for a while now. Some days I miss my ex but that was it. I didn't go crazy thinking about what he's doing, with who and etc....all i thought of was the things i could look forward to without him in my life.
I feel a lot better that I was in November. It was a very hard choice to leave my ex, but I know better and clearer that I cannot stay. I don't regret my decision, I did it for the long term benefit of my sanity.
Stay happy everyone! We'll get there soon!
Keep calm and carry on.Posted 3 months ago # -
lunapearl
offlineMemberhi sam welcome back!
woahh what a great vacation you had! i love going to the beach! must have been really really fun there!
hey i hope i will be just like you soon, loving your life! im still learning though!
how are things going with you now?keep happy!
Posted 3 months ago # -
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Posted 3 months ago samxarra
offlineMemberI have not been here in two week but I have news!
I've been in NC for 3 months over now, and I've not broken it. I have complately turned my life around and I cry no more. My determination to just live my life has rewarded itself, life gives you back what you believe in.
So back to news. My disappearing act of the last two weeks
I got certified as a Zumba instructor last week!!! Wooohoo for me! All the hard, crazy work paid off!! I have also lost 18 lbs/8kgs since November. *Beams* My core is tighter, my arms are defined and strong and I'm feeling very good. Weight loss was not a target when I started on this forum, i'm not heavy or anything, but with all the dancing and swimming I've been doing, it seemed to just melt away!!
*sings 'i feel good, na na na na na!'*
On the other side, my ex sent me a bunch of flowers for Valentine's Day! I was surprised, love the roses but that's it. I did not respond back with a 'thank you.' I didn't need to, as i didn't plan on breaking NC not for a bunch of roses!
My efforts with continuous listening to subliminal CDs has helped a lot, I think they have re-wired my brains to keep up the momentum and stay focused into positivity. I cannot believe how much enthusiasm and motivation i had since i listened to them. Perhaps, it has helped me to say 'ok, you can do this, so go for what you want!'
I have a feeling my life will change this year. Im seeking avenues of improvements and discovering more. I'm even beginning to think about my future goals (with what i wanna do for long term!)
I hope you guys are hanging on. Life doesn't stop when a relationship fails. It STARTS because you are THE life!
Keep calm and carry on.Posted 3 months ago #-
julie
offlineInactiveWow thanks for your post! It's just so full of energy and optimism. I try to keep these feeling in me but sometimes it's not so easy and your post was exactly what I needed today!
Let's live for ourselves, anyway we are the most important thing for ourselves, it's time to realize that!
And it's awesome everything that you have accomplished so far!
Stay strong and stay positive! You are an inspiration!
TOUGH TIMES DON'T LAST
TOUGH PEOPLE DOPosted 3 months ago # -
lunapearl
offlineMemberhi sam! great that you are always happy all this time, very nice! the subliminal cds , are they the same with the self hypnotizing ones? what subliminal cd are you listening?
soon i will be living in a new island, im not sure if the internet will be there, so i have to bring anything i can to keep me positive there! i plan to bring the positive books or cds or anything to keep me feel good there!
stay happy!
Posted 2 months ago #
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