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Misty's NC diary
(75 posts) (15 voices)-
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I HATE SPAM! Read Our Privacy PolicyPosted 1 month ago willsucceed
offlineMemberI have zero experience dating, except for when I was very young before I got married, so I want to admit that disclaimer first.
It seems like what we are all saying is that we want our actions in dating (pro-actions and re-actions) to SELECT someone stable and discourage others. Perhaps "The Rules" type of book (have only skimmed that a few years ago when my friend bought it) is a good basic guideline for helping select a stable person and to help us set our boundaries.
I don't know. It all seems so complicated.
Posted 1 month ago #-
misty
offlineMemberSo over 10 days of NC now and I am doing fine. I've seen loads of friends, planning trips etc and also been on a date
I feel fine. I've started my own rock climbing blog where I will track my progress this year.
My ex and I are rock climbers and spent the whole of 2011 climbing together both indoors and in weekend climbing trips. Our weekend trips were amazing filled with loads of climbing in amazing places outdoors and resting out in nature in the evenings and then cuddling up in our tent to sleep.
The only think I feel sorry for in this whole thing, is that with the relationship falling apart, i lost also a great friend and my best climbing partner. Rock climbing is very dear to both of us and a big part of my life and he patiently taught me a lot (he is a much better and stronger climber than me) for which I am very thankful. I am now looking for new partners to climb with, which is always a challenge and I'm sure I will find new partners, but it's a big vaccum he left.
I am finding it easier to have lost the relationship but harder to have lost a friend that I shared so much in common with. But it's impossible to be friends and be nice to somebody who tells you he loves you first and then leaves you in 6 months saying he's not sure if he wants to have short term relationships or be with me.
This is very hard and even though I am doing fine with the NC, when I sleep I see dreams of us doing things together and on climbing trips etc.
However hard it is, I realize that the only way out of this is NC and complete NC till I heal and evolve. I will take this in my stride and work on my climbing, be a better, stronger and more independent climber that I was last year. Yes, I've lost my climbing partner, but I life isn't over. We always find a way to do things we want to.
MY ex husband had introduced me to climbing and when we separated, i remember crying in my therapy sesssions, saying to my therapist .......I climbed with him, who will i go climbing with now??
4 months later I met my ex boyfriend and I've never climbed as much in my whole life.
So the boyfriend turned out be to be jerk and I feel left alone again........ but the trick is to just keep going on I guess.
None of these people made me climb. I climbed because I wanted to and I still do and I will. 2012 is going to be full of loads of amazing climbing for me. And when I look back at my blog that i just created in Dec 2012, I will be proud
I'm off to my first outdoor climbing trip of the year with a girlfriend next weekend and planning an ice climbing trip with the same girl on the weekend of the 11th of Feb. Plan is to spend 11th to 14th Feb ice climbing .......... HOW AWESOME !!
Oh and the guy I went out on for a first date last week he's invited me for a movie and dinner next Tuesday and texted me today saying he's looking forward to seeing me next Tuesday. I'm looking forward to it as well
Thanks everyone in the forum to let me share and listen
Posted 1 month ago # -
willsucceed
offlineMemberMisty, you sound great and very insightful. Your love for climbing is thriving. I understand the feelings of loss of a myriad of things that we did with our exes. However, you are correct to point out that you climb because you love to climb. It is not limited to your ex.
I also have those feelings that I'll never find another person to--fill in the blank here--with. But I know intellectually that is just not true, just as you say it wasn't true in your life and won't be true as the future unfolds.
Thanks for sharing because it really helps all of us to hear how everyone else is doing. I find it gives me a lot of insight and help to read about what others are doing and thinking.
Posted 1 month ago # -
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Posted 1 month ago misty
offlineMemberHi Scott and everyone ........ so I went on a second date with this guy who was perfect. Did everything right, was polite, well mannered and I could feel that he likes me. We had a great evening. I was friendly, but didn't really say or do anything during the date that would explicitly show that i am interested. I am very interested. He's good looking, smart, funny and easy to be with. While he was walking me out of the restaurant to my cab, he bent over and kissed me. I completely froze. Did not react to his kiss or kiss him back, just stood there and looked at him. The reason for this is obviously because I like this guy, i know he likes me and I felt things are moving very fast again.
However, in the process I think I've pushed the guy away. He texted me that night sayin " you are going to make me work, aren't you :-)", which I felt was nice because he didn't seem to mind that i want to take thing slow, but his texts or contact to me have been minimal after the date ( he was texting me quite a bit before that, some texts were nice and flirty showing he is interested in me) and abosutely zero today. We have no plans to see eachother again
Ok, so I absolutely rejected him and probably showed him I have no interest after 2 amazing dates, but at the same time, if a guy really likes me, will this put him off form wanting to get to know me better ?
A part of me tells me that if he is sincerely interested, he will respect my pace and make more of an effort. The mistake I made with my ex was as soon as he showed all this keeness and interest in me, I let him in my life. I don't want to do that now. I want to weed out the ones who I know will leave easily.......and my not giving them what they want as soon as they want it, i am testing that.........or am I pushing them away ??
A bit bummed about the opportunity that i had with this guy i liked, but was it a good opportunity, if he looses interest in me because I didnt kiss him back the second time I've seen him in my life ?
Posted 1 month ago #-
misty said:
He texted me that night sayin " you are going to make me work, aren't you :-)"Idiot Alert!
This guy is an idiot.
If he is already looking at your relationship as "work" then this is just another project for him to complete (getting laid).
Your instincts did not lie to you, you did great!
Dating, and getting to know someone is should be "fun" not "work".
NEXT!
misty said:
A bit bummed about the opportunity that i had with this guyWhat about the opportunity he had with a woman like yourself?
Romeo fucking blew it coming on too strong.
He is the one that should be bummed...his loss, not yours.
Remember the best relationships are built on mutual respect.
Stay Strong and Positive!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
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misty
offlineMemberThanks Scott. These are little steps that i really need to get perspective on. That's what evolution means to me. Finding attractive guys who are interested in dating me has never been a problem for me. Why am I 34 and single then? It's because I pick the wrong one's, I have no process of filtering (my filter for the most part being basic things like smart, educated, professional, fun, attractive) That's why I get into quick intense relationships with start with a big massive explosive spark but without the foundation and the important things that matter for a long term relationship, these have always ended up with me being dissapointed in the guys with 4 to 6 months of being with them. However, I'm already emotionally invested by then, because I gave them that special space in my life so soon, that now it becomes too late to back off or think sensibly.
This in turn leads to couple of months more of be being disspointed unhappy and frustated and eventually causing the guy to leave me.A PATTERN ......
So I am evolving and the point is to break this pattern. It is to make changes in how i do things, how I select people who I make important in my life and the biggest thing is HOW MUCH I VALUE AND RESPECT MYSELF.
I have been looking at the goddam phone the whole day and haven't slept last night, worried that I fucked up with this guy. He was really nice to me, planned a great dinner for me and seemed sincere and decent in his kiss. He just wanted to show he likes me, so why did I blow him away? I should have just kissed him back and things would be fine. Now he's not interested. He hasn't contacted me, hasn't reached out to see me again........
WRONG WRONG WRONG !
It took Scott's message for me to understand that this is the biggest issue. If I valued myself and respected myself and wasn't SO GODDAM insecure, I would be thinking this instead .......
Well we had a great time. I've keenly gone and spend time with him on both dates. I've sent responded to all his messages. This guy knows enough about me to make up his mind about whether he sees me as a potentional person to spend time with ...... If he is looking for the right things from me, he would want to see me again. HE would just be happy spending loads of time with me to understand me and win my affection. This is the kind of guy who will VALUE ME, make an effort to be in my life and not leave the minute things are a little hard or he looses interest. Yes he planned a great dinner and a nice evening for me. BUT IS THAT MY WORTH. A FUCKING DINNER AND MOVIE? Because I don't want to kiss him on the second date, he looses interest...WTF. What would happen if i did kiss him back. Things would be great that moment, he would probably ask to see me agian. Things would be great then and again, then we would sleep together and things woulf be great for another 3 times that we sleep together....... WHAT HAPPENS THEN ?
Well .... this is what happens ..... the challenge (OR PROJECT - in scott's words) for him is over. I am now in relationship mode and he is now in " I'm bored and don't really need to deal with the responsibilities of a relationship mode" and the problems start. What happens then ? A painful break up and me on the internet searching for answers, probably most likely back here with another NC letter. Except this time I've lost another 6 months of my precious life.
The most important lesson for me to learn here is to VALUE MYSELF AND STOP BEING SO INSECURE. It's hard to say no to somebody who seems like a potential partner when you are alone and single. But the thing to learn for me during my evolution is that the harder path is the right path and in the long term the happier path. This is one of the most important decisions of my life and I can't let just anybody have my heart.
This is perfect, because the guy who was showing he is head over heels over me after meeting me once, suddenly couldn't care less about me after not getting a kiss on a second date.....what does it tell me about him or about what anything he shared to far meant to him ? By doing what I've done this time (not getting carried away with a guy whose all gaga over me and who i liked) I have managed to dodge bullet in 2 days which could have become another heart break story for me after 6 months
I am not ruling this guy out. But if he likes me, he better fucking make time for me, spend time with me, get to know me, allow me to get to know him and prove he deserves me. If a dinner and a movie is what he thinks my worth is, then that's exactly what he will get from me ...... a dinner and a movie
my heart is precious and so am I and I am NO longer going to hand it over to any idiot Romeo.
I am evolving. It's a hard path and not fun at all, but if I don't fight my bad habits now and change, I should have never even come to this forum.
I want to change. I want to fight. I want a better happier life, one that i deserve.
Posted 1 month ago # -
willsucceed
offlineMemberMisty, read My No Contact - NC Days diary (it's on page 9 of the NC Diaries) when she reconciles. It shows how she works through acting in a way to establish a stable attachment. It shows her thoughts that are in contrast to her actions, until near the end where she starts thinking in alignment with her actions.
Posted 1 month ago # -
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Posted 1 month ago -
farah
offlineInactiveHi misty i was just reading your whole Nc diary and i felt like you are talking about me! i have the same issue.since past 16 years guys will come on strong be head over heels love me the moment ig et atatched the tbale turn. And i have very hard time walkign away plead and beg and become the doormat! it really helped me to read your diary as i always used to feel there is somethign wrong with me and i am one to blame only! it is jsut my third day of nc and i felt like messeging my ex but i keep repeating these lines in my head which prevents me to do so
Im not going to stress over you anymore. It isnt worth it. I tried to work something out but you just ignored it. Im not trying to say I dont want you, because I definitely do. All Im saying is Im done chasing after youPosted 1 month ago # -
misty said:
Hi WS, I looked up your NC diary, but it seems to have only 7 pages. Can you please guide me to the link where I can read about what you are referring to. I would really like to read it.It wasn't WS's NC Diary, it was another forum member's diary that is titled:
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
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misty
offlineMemberScott, as I start dating again now, I will want to discuss what I am doing, how I am handling situtaions while I try to evolve and how I can intrepret some of the red flags which I have been missing. Is this forum ok to discuss this. Not directly related to the ex or NC, but since this is about self evolution and not about working to get your ex back, i thought it should be ok, but wanted to check with you.
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Posted 1 month ago misty said:
Scott, as I start dating again now, I will want to discuss what I am doing, how I am handling situtaions while I try to evolve and how I can intrepret some of the red flags which I have been missing. Is this forum ok to discuss this.It should be OK since it is part of your personal evolution.
As long as it is helpful and inspiring, and doesn't turn into a bitch-fest about how hard it is to date after a break up, or find anyone as good as your ex...blah, blah, blah.
That would be counter-productive to what members are striving to accomplish here.
Stay Strong and Positive!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
Learn How to Create The Destiny of Your Choice
FREE Step-by-Step BREAK UP SURVIVAL PLANPosted 1 month ago #-
misty
offlineMemberok. makes sense.
So I want to reflect on what happened with the guy who i didnt kiss back on the second date. I didnt do it, because I wanted it to go slow. However, I didnt explain this to the guy. I just kind of made him feel rejected. It was a weird abrupt kind of end to a date.
After that for the last 2 days he has made no attempt to communicate to me. He has casually replied to my text, but is not proactive like he was before the second date. He has backed off.
Now if I feel a guy rejected this way, isn't it true that he would feel I am not interested and back off. I didn't communicate to him properly telling him I like him but I wanted to take it slow. It was all very abrupt.
On the other hand, even if I did do this, and the guy really likes me, wouldn't he make an effort. I have taken the initiative to make contact and text him a few times after this incidence, telling him explicitly that I had a really nice evening with him.
What I want to learn from here is, am I closing myself off too much becauase of my baggage now thus pushing away potential partners,
OR
This is the right thing to do, and if I treated by earlier relationships like this, where the guy had to make more of an effort to enter my life in any special way, I would probably not be in this situation?
Posted 1 month ago # -
misty said:
So I want to reflect on what happened with the guy who i didnt kiss back on the second date. I didnt do it, because I wanted it to go slow. However, I didnt explain this to the guy. I just kind of made him feel rejected. It was a weird abrupt kind of end to a date.I think you are really making too much out of this.
Think it through.
He took a chance (kissed you), and it didn't work out the way he wanted, you never slapped him, or told him to take a hike.
You just weren't ready to kiss yet, or expecting to be kissed.
I bet this kind of thing happens to other people all the time.
Did this guy know anything about your last relationship, and your recent break up?
Chances are he didn't, why?
Because you are just starting to get to know each other, and you don't want to bring up your baggage, but knowing about a person's past (emotional baggage) will help guide you on how to proceed with a relationship, right?
This is why people need to slow the fuck down, and enjoy the process.
He took a chance and got denied, so he gives up?
I guess taking the time to get to know each other is "work" too?
That isn't saying much about his character, or his intent.
If he is this lazy in the beginning just imagine how he will be later on.
If he was looking to take this to the next level and begin to develop a "real relationship", (not just try to get laid) it seems like he would be more patient.
He was testing the waters, and got his answer, it was obviously the wrong answer, (no easy piece of ass) so he gives up.
This reflects badly on him, not you.
Now, if you where hanging all over him sending him the "go ahead" signal, and then you pull this shit, you are at fault for sending the wrong signals.
Don't give a guy the "green light" and then slam him down with a "red light" out of nowhere.
This should just be common sense, right?
The more you date, the better you will get at sorting all this out.
Just be patient.
Stay Strong and Positive!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
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Posted 1 month ago willsucceed
offlineMemberOkay, so I'm a complete newbie at dating. I got married very young.
I would be very surprised if someone tried to kiss me on a second date. What is a good number of dates for someone to go on if you are taking it slow before someone is physical (as in kissing, not even thinking of more)? I guess my timeline is more in months. Maybe kissing is more serious to me than it should be.
I'm worried that perhaps I am still married in my mind and perhaps kissing is serious to me because it would be infidelity. Writing that brings tears and feelings of high anxiety so I think I've hit the nail on the head. I feel fidelity to my ex, from whom I am divorced, and who was not faithful to me. I've only been divorced for a month and separated for 7 months, so maybe that's no so abnormal?
Posted 1 month ago #-
misty
offlineMemberso sometimes we spend days trying to assume what the ex is thinking, why did the break up happen, was it my fault etc.
I think once a relationship does not work, we should just leave it and as time passes by, things become clear on its own.
My ex who clearly had issues...members in the forum helped me recognize it as Relationship OCD, was also an asshole. I've been in NC for about 20 days now so i can see through things a bit more clearly. Within 20 days of breaking up he is started seeing this girl from his work place who he sugessted he has started texting, walking home etc because he was lonely when he was with me. A common friend told me.
It is all making sense to me now. He was just an asshole. I was a challenge to him and he pursued me with all his heart as long as I was a challenge. Then the whole relationship thing became mundane and boring and he wanted to move on to his next exciting challenge and then he started all the drama with me as soon as he found the next one.
That's just what it was.
The guy who I went on a second date with was looking for someone he's attracted to, who he is an easy catch to take home. He wined and dined me and showed all his interest and even some affection, till he figured out that this is not what he can get here. So just like that, the very next day, he no longer cares to send me a text just to say Hello.
It's really disspointing, because I'm a nice girl, loving, kind, pretty, happy, educated, successful and all I am looking for is someone I am interested in who will love me back. And one after the other, I am faced with guys or situtaions who cheat, lie, hurt and really couldn't care less about what they are putting the other person through
Posted 1 month ago # -
misty said:
I think once a relationship does not work, we should just leave it and as time passes by, things become clear on its own.
misty said:
It's really disspointing, because I'm a nice girl, loving, kind, pretty, happy, educated, successful and all I am looking for is someone I am interested in who will love me back.Join the club.
misty said:
And one after the other, I am faced with guys or situtaions who cheat, lie, hurt and really couldn't care less about what they are putting the other person throughThe same thing has been happening to me (only with women) all my life too, and sometimes you start to feel cursed.
This is where the revelation comes to light...
You are NOT cursed, I am NOT cursed.
We have been attracting these kinds of relationships.
You say (a great two-way relationship) is what you want, and then you (we) go and settle, time after time.
You have to wait and be patient, do not settle anymore, and this will change what you attract.
What's the hold up?
It takes time.
The most successful people in any kind of situation (business, love, sports...etc.) have a couple great qualities that set them apart from everyone else, and one of them is NOT better luck.
They are patient, and they will not give up on what they want.
They are not willing to sacrifice long term goals, for short term solutions.
They keep their eye on the real prize, and never stop until they get it, and they always get it.
You have to believe that it will happen before it will happen, and that takes commitment to yourself, and the real prize you are after.
Once you really believe it, you will totally commit to it, and then you will succeed.
We get sidetracked by our peers who think they know what's best for us...yeah right!
The bottom line...
They either support you and your goals, or they don't, and if they don't, they will keep you from achieving what you want, or make it a lot harder for you to achieve it.
Once again, how bad do you want what you're after?
Is it bad enough to get rid of all your friends, and outside influences that don't support your goals, and dreams?
If not, you don't want it bad enough, and you will be stuck wishing your life away.
When you hit 50 and realize this, you will wonder why you didn't figure it out sooner,
and the answer is...You were looking for support from the wrong people...like-minded people inspire each other, the rest only hold you back.
That is the basis for our forum, to gather like-minded people with the same goal and determination to support and inspire each other to success.
That is why I boot all people who don't fit that criteria.
Then people call me an asshole, and say I "claim" to want to help people, but only a fool thinks they can help everyone, and I want to not only help people, I want them to succeed.
That calls for hard decisions, and most people don't want to make those kinds of decisions...
Yet they want their dreams to come true.
Does the saying; "You can't have your cake and eat it too", ring a bell?
I don't have a lot of friends, not because I am a hermit, or because I am not fun to be around, it's because every friend I had wanted to hold me back from my dreams, so they had company while they wished their lives away.
No Thanks!
That is why it is so important to send the NC message as outlined in the free plan, it shows you're willing to make the kind of "hard decisions" that will enable you to succeed, not try to succeed, but succeed.
You are on the right track Misty!
Stay Strong and Positive!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
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Posted 1 month ago farah
offlineInactivewow sw your post really inspired me today!you are so right . till now i have been jsut settlign for less so to get a tempiorary solution for my lonliness and peer pressure has a big effect on it. But unless you dont get a love which fulfill all your needs you slowly forget what your needs are and you start feeling miserable!
Posted 1 month ago #-
misty
offlineMemberI don't feel very good today. Lonely and dissapointed. Though a part of me is glad that I am lonely and not in an unfulfilling relationship with the asshole I was dating. I gave him a part of me which was real, and he crushed it in his hands, stamped on it and threw it away in the garbage. That is how much he valued my love and feelings.
I am disspointed that the guy I went on 2 dates with, who I saw potentional in, actually had no interest in cultivating anything meaningful with me. All his interest and charm was to get laid quickly. But I am happy that I didn't give in this time. I could have gone at the pace he wanted but I stood up for what I actually want and he backed off. Did that save me from another heartbreak 4 months down the line. My gut feeling is yes.........and at this time I have nothing else besides my own intuition to believe and rely on.
With this dating experience, I think I am somewhat confident that I will be able to continue weeding out people who are not actually interested in me, but show a great deal of interest for the wrong reasons.
I also have put behind a lot of rubbish from my ex boyfriend from last year
Right now I have with me -
1)myself
2)my climbing (and loads of new climbers are making friends with me because my climbing has greatly improved and they want to climb with me)
3)Friends
4)Job
5)Parents (though they live in another country so i don't really have their support as much)I would like to focus on what are the things in my life that i want right now, but are absent and are making me feel let down.
Changes I need to make
1) find a new job. I work from home a lot and it's making me lonely. I need to be in a corporate environment with smart people, get out of the house at 8pm.
2) I would like to buy a small apt for myselfAlso, as some of you may remember, I separated from the guy I married in Dec 2010. The final papers of that divorce should be issued sometime this week. That would me another milestone
I love how I am attracting new friends with my climbing without even making an effort
I think I need to fix the other things I am not happy with, meaning, get a new job that will get me excited about work, get paid more, move out of where I live right now because it's very expensive, save that money and buy my own place.
Posted 4 weeks ago # -
misty
offlineMemberI am not sure what I am feeling today.... definitely not sad. Not jumping with joy either.
It's been 23 days since NC and during the whole NC, it wasn't the urge to contact him that bothered me. I actually have no desire to give space to someone useless like my ex in my life. What did bother me though, is the contant questioning of why someone like me is so unhappy, insecure and sad. Questions like, what can I do to fix my life? Why do I end up with one insensitive selfish asshole after the other?
I don't have the answers to any of these yet. But, I guess that's the evolution....finding these answers is part of it.
In the interim, my heart is almost bursting with pride. I don't think I've ever started a year with so much focus on what's important to me AND JUST ME and made an effort to achieve it. I have so much going on, so much to look forward to, so much to achieve that i'm actually worried that January is already over !!
In january I've already done the following
1. Completed my climbing blog, which is active now
2. First outdoor weekend climbing trip of the year and the hardest climbs I've ever done in my life
3. For the first time, gone climbing with people who were beginer climbers so i was responsible for everything. Also in the crag I was climbing better and harder than many other guys there who are taller and stronger than me. Gave me a sense of independence I've never had before, because I always only went climbing outdoors with people who are better than me
4. Got a training class done from work which enhances my qualifications
5. Been running out twice and to the gym a couple of times
6. Made new friends. People are approaching me now to invite me to go out and go climbing. This is really important because lonliness is a big reason we create unhealthy relationships in our life
7. Planned and sorted my ice climbing trip for Feb
8. Went on a date with a gorgeous guy who seemed like we adored me and was endlessly charming. I did not fall for it and instead of falling for him on the second date and making it easy for him to get me, I stood by what I wanted. And what i want is a guy who takes the time to get to know and appreciate me and put in effort to be part of my life. THAT WORKED...... cuz be backed off and taught me a great lesson. I have always gone at the pace at which the guys who show really keen interest in want me to, if I am interested. That has enabled me to get into quick intense relationships very fast, however, there's no foundation to those relationships and here I am single, heartbroken and 34. This time I didn't let it happen and saved myself a short 4 month thrill followed by a painful breakup.Still a lot of work to do on myself. I hope I will be strong and continue putting MYSELF first.
Posted 3 weeks ago # -
willsucceed
offlineMemberMisty, excellent inspiring list. I think #8 does begin to answer the question you pose at the top.
I like this saying I read recently: you have to kiss a lot of princes to find a frog. The interpretation is that there are a lot of "perfect" guys out there who are players and know a lot about how to get in to a woman, but not for a great long-term relationship. The frog needs a second glance and chance--those who may not be as adept at charming the socks (or other articles of clothing) off women, but are great material for a fulfilling long-term relationship.
It was an interesting thought to read.
Posted 3 weeks ago # -
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Posted 3 weeks ago misty
offlineMemberHello everyone, I've been out climbing outdoors this weekend and working today. Got my holidays approved for my ice climbing trip. Now just need to book travel logistics.
I'm picking up my final divorce papers from the lawyer tomorrow morning. Last year this time, i had just found out about my ex spouse cheating etc and was having trouble sleeping in the nights. Once I pick up my divorce papers, I need to hand it over to my immigration lawyer, since I moved to London from the US with after meeting my ex husband in the US and getting married. Now that we are divorced, I am no longer his spouse and by european law, I need to get my residency status changed in the UK
So things are moving forward. But I still felt very low today. Which is annoying, why do I feel low even when I have so much to be excited about. GRRRRRRRR....
But I was really lonely. All i did was work, go to the climbing gym and come back do groceries alone and sit in my bedroom and eat my dinner alone in front of the computer. I called a few friends, but no one picked up today. I automatically started getting thoughts of my ex boyfriend. We would climb together in the climbing gym and then he came over to my place and we did dinner together and went to bed together. I miss that companionship and don't like being by myself. Also knowing that he is probably having a great time with his new girlfriend while I am left with all the hard feelings alone, didn't make me feel any better. It's just shit sometimes.
But if being with him and his companionship was so great, we would still be together .... right ? Obviously, he made me feel like crap that's why I am not with him.
When I start thinking aboout how he treated me and made me feel when we were together, I prefer to be without him. Of course there were good times, and of course the memories of that hurt, specially when I'm alone and lonely.....but the actualy truth is that by the 3rd month or so, these good times were only abouy 20% of the time and the rest 80% was crap. I don't have the joys and thrills of having him with me, but neither do I have the really low poinnts when he was treating me like shit.I do hope I meet someone who I feel passionate about and who treats me right someday
Posted 3 weeks ago #-
misty
offlineMemberHi everyone..... I'm going strong......... still in NC with no weak moments. It's been a month now
I think I'm going strong, but I do get sad. Too busy, tons going on so not that much time to feel lonely, but I know I am completely broken and vunerable inside. After the intense 3 year marriage that ended up in a divorce, then the quick passion packed relationship after that for 6 months, which ended up in the guy basically telling me he cant be with me because i cannot give him the thrill of a new relationship anymore ...........I know I am really really broken in the inside and have a strong shell on the outside so i can carry on.
Today I suddenly started crying while working on the computer thinking of the nice moments that my ex boyfriend and I shared. He is on an ice climbing trip right now ( I know because he planned this when we were together) and I am missing all the amazing climbing days we shared. But he valued nothing real we had. He told me he loved me and then left me for just anybody because she was a new girl.
It feels like shit today, but I have a lot going on so I cant waste time crying. I want to work on myself and become the person I want to be professionally, with my hobbies, personal life and be secure and happy.
With my brain free of everyday relationship issues and arguements, I am getting space in my head to realize really HOW MUCH WORK i need to do on myself.
I think it's going to take me at least a year to get there, to evolve and to become a person in my own standing.... someone who is happy with herself, strong, feels secure and is in a place in life that gives her a sense of achivement and happiness.
To be really really honest.........with this realization, I don't even think I am ready for a relationship with my ex of anybody else. I need to work on myself for the rest of the year and commit just to that.
Posted 2 weeks ago # -
willsucceed
offlineMemberMisty, I strongly suggest a Divorce and Relationship Recovery workshop. They are often held at local churches, but other organizations also host them. I has helped me tremendously. They have a program so it's not a complain-fest and you learn strategies to help you get your life back and build better relationships in the future. Our group still meets every week for dinner even though the program has ended. It really helps being around people who understand.
I strongly recommend that you start with and follow through all the steps in Susan Elliot's "Getting Past Your Breakup". Follow that with "The Power (Rhonda Rhymes)", "Boundaries (Townsend)", "5 love languages (Chapman)", "Strengths Finder (Gallup Poll)". I suggest that you read them more than once because I've found I've learned more and more by doing that. It's well worth the work and it's focusing on YOU.
Posted 2 weeks ago # -
misty said:
I think I'm going strong, but I do get sad. Too busy, tons going on so not that much time to feel lonely, but I know I am completely broken and vunerable inside. After the intense 3 year marriage that ended up in a divorce, then the quick passion packed relationship after that for 6 months, which ended up in the guy basically telling me he cant be with me because i cannot give him the thrill of a new relationship anymore ...........I know I am really really broken in the inside and have a strong shell on the outside so i can carry on.Today I suddenly started crying while working on the computer thinking of the nice moments that my ex boyfriend and I shared. He is on an ice climbing trip right now ( I know because he planned this when we were together) and I am missing all the amazing climbing days we shared. But he valued nothing real we had. He told me he loved me and then left me for just anybody because she was a new girl.
It feels like shit today, but I have a lot going on so I cant waste time crying.
I wonder why you feel like shit?
I feel like shit just from reading it.
I banned a few people last week for posting crap like this.
Dwelling on the past...
All that does is bring you more of the same, and that is probably how you attracted this last asshole after your marriage failed.
Why keep doing the same things you have done in the past, and then expect different results?
You MUST change your way of dealing with relationship problems, and "hopefully" that is why you joined our forum.
willsucceed said:
Misty, I strongly suggest a Divorce and Relationship Recovery workshop. They are often held at local churches, but other organizations also host them. I has helped me tremendously.Yes, that would be a lot better than posting shit like this on your NC diary.
The last thing we need on our forum is another sad story...look around, this place is filled with them.
The forum members need daily positive inspiration, and more success stories.
The last thing anyone needs, is to be reminded of their shitty past, let's focus on the present, and everything that is going good for you right now...fuck this guy and his next victim.
Someday he will get a bitter taste of his own medicine, and then his evolution will begin.
What goes around, comes around.
I understand what it is like to be in pain, my life isn't that great either, but I don't let myself get too wrapped up in the past.
I force myself to focus on the present, and all the things that are going good, and it works every time...I get over my mood and move forward.
If you must vent, do it in your personal home journal, not on our forum.
Listen to WS, she has been through a divorce too, and she is helping herself, and now she is attempting to help you.
Take her advice, she can help you, help yourself.
That kind of support is priceless.
Stay Strong and Positive!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
Learn How to Create The Destiny of Your Choice
FREE Step-by-Step BREAK UP SURVIVAL PLANPosted 2 weeks ago # -
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Posted 2 weeks ago misty
offlineMemberUnderstood Scott. I will send a pm to WS and take it from there.
So I've done loads in Jan and it's Feb now. My next big goal is to buy my own place which I would like to do by June this year. In an attempt to reach that goal, i've making the following measures -
1. Move out of my rental apt into a friends place by end of Mar. Will save on rent. Also I'm getting rid of my car and will buy a cheaper much smaller car. So move out, sell car, buy car and move in friends place.... quite a bit to do by Mar. But will help me get closer to my goal of finally living in my own place, hopefully by June.
2. I've booked an ice climbing course for 4 days. It's going to be quiet intense. Walking in the mountains with all the gear on the back for about an hour and two, then a whole day of climbing. I'm running and going to the gym so I am strong for this trip which starts on the 26th
3. Since I'm doing more and more outdoor climbing independently, I need to get efficient in ropework, rescue etc. I'll take a class on this in feb and compliment it with self learning
Posted 2 weeks ago #-
willsucceed
offlineMemberMisty, Those sound like great goals/plans. Living in your own place is definitely a great feeling and it sounds like you've really thought through a way to jumpstart that with some sacrifices right now. I can't imagine climbing ice, so I'm impressed with taking a course in that and I find having something to get ready for helps with every day exercise. In my case it's races. Also it seems that your course in ropework, rescue, etc., will make you a better climber in groups as well as independently.
I've really found excelling in new physical/mental things has helped give my brain something to think about that replaces focusing on him. It's not 100% effective, but it does help a whole lot. Let us know how that progresses. For my butterfly stroke swimming lessons, I have the arms and legs put together, but am still slowly putting in breathing. I've definitely taken in my share of pool water in the last few weeks!
Posted 2 weeks ago # -
misty
offlineMemberHi WS.... you are right. I have quite a few friends from my climbing circle now and we spend quite a bit of time dicussing weekend trips, gear, climbing techniques etc......
Also when you have a sport as a hobby, you have milestones to reach and this in turn is greated motivation to work out, stay strong. When you are doing that, you automatically start eating healthier because your body will be disgusted by crap food and not want it.
All this in turn helps get a really good night sleep, which helps having a productive day full of energy and helps you have more goals and work towards itSo once you bring a little goodness in your life, it gives space for more goodness and this circle continues and your life keeps getting fuller and happier
just like if we keep dwelling about bad things and do nothing, that circle continues as well and makes room for more bad stuff and life keeps getting unhappier and more meaningless
It's all about the choices we make...isn't it? Do you want to get addicted to the circle of badness or the circle of goodness ?
Eveyrthing takes time. Results are not immediate, but keep bringing good in your life and with time, everything will fall in place.
I am really really focussed on buying my place now. Slightly intimidating to take such a huge step by myself, but I hope that when i write in my blog in June and will be sharing the good news of having bought my own place by then
Till then I have a good 4 months to continue to work on myself, change my approach to relationships, get selective about people i allow in my life, be strong, creater room for things in my life that will make it fuller and continue working out, getting strong and pursue my dreams of becoming a good climber.
Posted 2 weeks ago # -
misty
offlineMemberHello everybody,
I've been in BC over 45 days now
and for those of you just starting your NC and finding it hard I want to explain something that i have experienced that might help everybody ....I've realized that during NC the times I miss my ex, think about our good times and hope to see him or talk to him, is "ONLY" the time I am extremely lonely.
It NEVER happens when I am happy, in company of good friends, getting attention from a guy I am interested in or busy doing things that I enjoy and gives me a sense of achievement. In fact, at these times I detest all the guys in my life including my ex who treated me like crap and did not value me. I do not like the fact that I gave them so much space in my life and feel glad they're out.
I am sure this is true for a lot of us here who have been hurt. But what does this tell us ? Are you really missing your ex, or are you just lonely, looking to fill the gaps with something you are already comfortable with ?
The answer is clear. The fact that we are here and in NC, in itself is enough evidence that we DO NOT want to associate with loosers anymore. We are not truly missing our ex or wanting to be with them or in love with them etc.........if that was the case, you would think of them when you are happy, you would be thankful that you have them in your life and miss them even when things are great..........right ?
When I have weak moments, i remind myself of this and realize it is out of lonliness and has nothing to do with how I feel about the ex. The moment will pass and when I am not lonely (the next hour, the next day or whenever), I will ne thankful i am rid of rubbish and not feel this way anymore
Posted 1 week ago # -
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Posted 1 week ago SMILE2DAY
offlineMemberYou are doing amaaazzzzing
Those comments are so true and helpful and I'm glad to hear that you are doing so well with your evolution. Keeping busy and happy always helps. Keep up the good work Misty, you are really inspiring.
My Heart's Big But Beats Quiet. xPosted 1 week ago #-
misty
offlineMemberhi everyone.... so it was my bday on the 11th. A few of my close friends arranged a little dinner for me and I was very happy and thankful and enjoyed and loved every moment of it. On the weekend I went climbing with my climbing partner (who is a girl as well and i am glad I am now climbing with a friend and not someone I am in a relationship with. I know no matter what happens in my personal life my climbing partner will remain and I will still have this sport that I can get away to and enjoy)
I am now climbing with people who are not as good as me so i am having to lead the climbs and help others. A great feeling, because usually, i was the one following climbers who were better than me always. It's a sport I love, a lifestyle of being outdoors and pushing myself that i enojy, but above all, it is giving me a sense of achievement and self worth and realization that there is so much I can and want to do and really need to rely on no asshole to help me get there. If anything for the most part i've wasted my time giving all my exes all of my enegry and love.
Here's the most awesome part....
I received a text on my bday with a bday message etc. it was from a number and didnt have a name. I got the text when I was outdoors in amazing weather climbing with my friends. I saw the text and recognized it as my ex'es since I have deleted him from my phone. I wasn't 100% sure. THERE WAS NO WAY I WAS GOING TO RESPOND TO THIS. but a part of me for 2 seconds thought........do i want to check and see if it is from him.. (to do that, i would have to try and dig information from somewhere to see if it was from his number) Then I looked at my friends, I looked at the amazing rock, I looked at what a gorgeous day it was and how lucky I was to have so many positive things in my life..........and just like that, I hit delete........
I had no desire to waste another minute of my life on that text. I told myself, if someone is sending me a text and I don't have his contact name, HE/SHE is obviously someone I don't care about or don't know......so who gives a shit who it is. Why do i care to find out. Anybody who means anything to me is on my phone with a name and it's clearly none of them.
And off I was to my friends, climbing and enjoying my day.
Oh and something else happened. Not sure if you all remember, but I had met this guy about a month back, who I liked a lot but when he tried to kiss me on the second date and i asked him to take it slow.... he really backed off and stopped contact.
He did send me a text or so once every 3 days, but never asked to meet again and it was like one text in 3 days with usually not much content.
This weekend he started texting me again.... like a lot..... like he was before our second date. he's keeping in touch with what I'm doing through the day and wishing me good night before he goes to bed. He's also asked to see me again next week for a mountain flim festival which he know's I'm really into (all the outdoors climbing etc) and has asked for dinner after the movie.
His texts are also getting heavier and more flirty and personal.
There's 2 mixed emotions I have from this ...
One is that when i met this guy, I was very firm that i want to take things slow. i want to get to know him before getting attached. Also i am in the process of evolving and recognize that I need to do a lot of work on myself. I cannot get too involved with anybody very quickly and get distracted from that process. I NEED TO BE STRONG AND STICK TO THIS. No matter how tempting it might be to get carried away with this guy since I like him and find him attractive
Second, he seems like a cool person, i need to make sure that with all the over analysis I am doing, I dont push him away. While I stay firm on whet "I NEED TO DO" and stick to that, i also want to make sure I am still the fun self that is naturally me and don't create too many walls around myself and push someone who could be a potential partner away. I just want to be myself and enjoy dating while being careful who i give my heart to, give space and time in my life.
Posted 1 week ago # -
Musicmaker
offlineInactiveYou asked me to read your diary, I did. Your guy sounds a lot like my guy. The depression, the erratic behavior........I understand, it it is hard. I wonder I'd you think tha the may be a different person if he was not depressed?
I am proud of you too.
Thank you for your advice.
Posted 4 days ago #
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