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Misty's NC diary
(75 posts) (15 voices)-
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I will NEVER sell, trade, rent, or give away your information to any third party.
I HATE SPAM! Read Our Privacy PolicyPosted 1 month ago misty
offlineMemberHi
I have sent the following NC message to my ex boyfrined yesterday. He broke up with me about a week back. I have not contacted him since then, though he has been texting me to say Hi casually, check on me, tell me he's alone and that this is hard for him and asking for us to be friends. I have not responded to any texts or phone calls. He has not suggested we get back together. Only that he will heal in time, but right now is hard for him and that we remain friends.Hi,
I agree with you about the decision to break up, I really believe it was the best thing for both of us. I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over. I would really appreciate it if you didn’t contact me during this time. I will be in touch when I am ready.
MistyPosted 1 month ago #-
misty
offlineMemberI just got a text from my ex right after 12:30 am on New Years It read....
" I love you. An Irish guy asked me to say it"
Obviously I am not replying to this. I am very serious about the NC and will stick to it, not because I want my ex back (which I may or may not want, not sure at this time), but because I want my life back. He has broken up with me 4 times now and each time when he breaks up, he say's we are not right for eachother and he does not see a future with me. it completely breaks me, I cry and stay sad for days. By the third day when I'm trying to get on with my life, he starts insisting we sit and talk things out and has managed to get me back all 3 times when he broke up.
He's already told me the last time (4th time) we broke up that he is not ready for a serious relationship and does not want to be in this at this stage of his life. Why does he keep texting me then? ANd now, such a direct " I love you" message. He know's I'm hurting and have requested him with a NC text.
Sometimes I feel he does really love me, and just needs the time and space to sort it out in his head, but sometimes I feel he is manipulating me emotionally and playin games. He can't possibly hurt me and leave me so many times if he truly cared and loved me.
Posted 1 month ago # -
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Posted 1 month ago willsucceed
offlineMemberMisty, welcome to the forum, we're glad you found a great place to get your life back. Since he's not honoring your NC message, I know that some other forum members have sent it again. However, you could block his number on your phone and email. It just hurts you to receive these messages, so why not have them bounce into syberspace instead of onto your hurting heart?
It sounds like returning to your old relationship isn't going to work, especially based on the history of breaking up and getting back together, so you're right to focus on getting your life back and finding the love you deserve.
Posted 1 month ago #-
misty
offlineMemberhe just sent me another text about 2 hours after sending the "I love you" message
" sorry shouldn't have sent that"
I am staying strong and not reacting to anything, but what's up with this guy ? Why is he telling me he loves me one minute and apologizing for saying it another minute?
I have blocked him on everything, except I can't on the phone. I'm in the U.K and can't do that. I can only change my phone number. I fail to understand how his mind works. Anybody else out here with similar experience, can you explain what's going on so I can rationalize it ?
Posted 1 month ago # -
misty said:
He can't possibly hurt me and leave me so many times if he truly cared and loved me.That's right!
His actions speak louder than his "empty" words.
Don't listen to his words, watch his actions, they tell the real story.
Stay Strong and Positive!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
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FREE Step-by-Step BREAK UP SURVIVAL PLANPosted 1 month ago # -
misty
offlineMemberThanks everyone.
I am holding on to the NC fine. I have absolutely no desire to contact my ex because of how he's treated me and plays with my emotions. I am very angry that he got me into a serious relationship with him saying I was the one being amazing till I was emotionally invested, after which he dumped me saying he's not ready. WTF ?
However, here are the hard things that I would appreciate inputs on how I can help myself -
1. I do look at the phone every now and then, almost automatically hoping some contact from him. Though I haven't felt the urge to reply for almost 10 days now.
2. I find it hard going to sleep. As a result I'm going to bed at almost 3am and get up late like 2pm (the whole holidays have been like this)
3. I feel very very hurt, almost heartache immediately after i wake up and stay in bed for at least 30 mins just thinking of him. Don't have the urge to contact him though, cause it's pointless. BUT I MISS HIM TERRIBLY, or maybe i miss that special someone and he is just a placeholder. No it's definitely him I miss. NEvertheless when I wake up, I almost always cry and feel very sad
4. There are times during the course of the day, where things happen that remind me of him, I feel very very sad and start crying. It doesn't last long (5 mins or so) but it's very painful and I wish he was with mePosted 1 month ago # -
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Posted 1 month ago goodlucksuccess
offlineMemberHey misty.
Hi ..Happy New Year!
I am with the same kind of story as yours( though not exactly.You can read my breakup story).I am really happy to see that you are sticking to NC..I would just say give time to yourself and you will get answers to all your questions.
Take care and stay strong!
Posted 1 month ago #-
misty said:
However, here are the hard things that I would appreciate inputs on how I can help myselfYou need to be thankful for what you have in the present, and stop dwelling in the unchangeable past.
I suggest you look at the topic: The Law of Attraction and Relationships
Stay Strong and Positive!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
Learn How to Create The Destiny of Your Choice
FREE Step-by-Step BREAK UP SURVIVAL PLANPosted 1 month ago # -
misty
offlineMemberso now my ex wants me to come and pick up my furniture from his place. I am so determined to stick to NC till I sort out how he took advantage of me completely, that I asked him to throw the furtinure if he cant keep it.
He texted me back saying, he needs a car to take it to the tip and since he does not have a car, if I drive over and pick it up, he will help me take it to the tip.
Since it's my furniture, I feel responsible to take it. I dont have any friend who can drive up to his and pick this up. Will I be breaking the NC if I just drive there, pick up my stuff and leave? I will definitely not allow him to come with me to the tip or anywhere. Just pick my stuff and leave. What if he tries to talk to me etc? I know what I am supposed to do, but very aware of my emotional state right now, which is very weak and vunerable and I have missed him terribly.
Suggestions on how to handle this ?
Posted 1 month ago # -
misty said:
Suggestions on how to handle this ?You already did, you told him to throw it out.
He is just trying to get to you, just ignore his messages, this is NOT an emergency.
He is just trying to get a reaction.
I am sure there is some charity that would gladly come and pick up free furniture donations.
Unless this guy is a total fucking idiot I think he will figure out what to do.
Stick to the plan, and don't do anything until you're ready, he knows you are not ready, that is why he is pushing so hard.
Let him push, but like that quote from the movie Mulan: "No matter how the wind howls, the mountain cannot bow to it."
You can be a mountain if you choose to be.
Better yet, you can be like Mulan...she kicked some serious ass.
Stay Strong and Positive!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
Learn How to Create The Destiny of Your Choice
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Posted 1 month ago misty
offlineMemberyea you're right Scott. Thanks for the clear message.
He can easily put my stuff (takes very little space) in his storage room away from his sight. There is absolutely no emergency for me to go over to his, see him, interact with him and get this now.
However, I know this guy and he will keep texting me or calling me endlessly till I go and I don't want to deal with that either.
So tomorrow, if I can't absolutely get a friend to sort this out for me, I'm going to pay someone (like a man with a van) to get this. Hopefully this will give the looser a LOUD AND CLEAR message about HOW SERIOUS I am this time about not wanting to see him, talk to him or have any kind of contact.
In the past 3 times after breaking up with me and being really mean, everytime he begged me to see him, I have. I am wondering if this has just made it really easy for him to dump me when he pleases and know he will get me back when he changes his mind.
He really needs to get the message this time that his game is over and if there's anyone here with no self worth it's him. He can forget about treating me like this forever now.
Posted 1 month ago #-
willsucceed
offlineMemberMisty, that is a great idea and you are thinking great about this. I'm sorry for the pain (problems sleeping, crying, etc.) that are feeling right now. We can sympathize with you on this, but you can see from past experience with him that you are in the fight of your life for getting your life back. Breakups and relationships are serious business and being strong in your actions is most important, but it doesn't mean that there isn't a lot of pain and really hard times you are having privately. Do you have a way to de-stress when the emotions run high? Do you exercise or have some trusted friends and family to call? What is your support system?
Posted 1 month ago # -
poirot
offlineInactiveHi Misty, you seem to have your head screwed on with refusing to bow to his demands.
It does really sound like he is trying to push your buttons and it's really great that you haven't done as he has asked. Getting a man with a van would resolve the immediate issue but it sounds like he will probably have another excuse for you to see or speak to him in the next few days. Would it be better for you just to ignore him, and his requests about the furniture if you aren't that bothered about actually getting the stuff back?He's a big boy!
I haven't been in on the NC stuff for very long but I have a feeling that even sending someone round to collect the stuff is giving him that contact anyway, knowing that you have listened to him and gone to some efforts to resolve the furniture stuff.
Poirot x
Posted 1 month ago # -
misty
offlineMemberHi everyone....I'm a difficult situtaion and for the first time after not responding to my ex in 2 weeks in any form, I think I need some solid help and direction. I am reaching out for advice.
after texting me and calling me couple of times to make sure I pick up my stuff from his place, my ex texted me again yesterday saying, that it can stay at his and there was no urgency for me to come get it.
After that, I received a vey very very long email from him.
This email was very disturbing, shocking and completely took me by surprise.
Summary of the email -
My ex started by saying that since we broke up 2 days before christmas till recently he has been completely alone, lonely and has experienced the lowest point in his life.
He continued to explain that his erratic behaviour, being inconsiderate, emotioally distant and not communicting his feelings to me over the last 2 to 3 months of our relationship is attributed to loads of personal problems from many years. We've been together for 6 months.
He claimed he thinks he maybe depressed, that he on and off thinks about the value of his life, has no close friends, thinks he suffers from OCD and has issues with communination. He also said he feels awkward in big groups, overplans things almost to the point that it really stresses him out. He gave me an expample saying a few months back he spent 4 hours to decide which nail clipper he was going to buy. He mentioned a paragraph about the things he was upset with me for, some of the things I actually didn't even remember.
He wrote a paragraph about things he still cherishes and good moments between us. These were little very sweeet moments between us from the begining, again things that I was surprised he remembers and made me cry.
He goes on to say, he loves me a lot and is terribly hurt, but he has so many personal issues that need working and he is so broken that he cannot be in a relationship with me since he will hurt me again
He ends with asking for forgiveness and hoping we can be friends.
I found the email a bit scary and wanted to check on him to see if he's ok, so i went to see him. During the meeting, we did not talk about getting back together at all. I was just there from about 10pm to 3am and all he did was cry and talk to me
He said he hadn't cried in years and i helped him face a lot of his issues. He talked about personal issues to me, about how he spent the whole holidays alone with no friend and no family. He talked about his mom and dad and cried a lot. He talked about his dad having gone through a cancer surgery for prostate cancer some years back and that he couldn't even get to hug him. Just loads and loads of very personal stuff and he kept crying. He was in terrible pain, I could see.
I was just there for him while he told me all this. On the relationship front, he talked about how he hasn't dated enough and feels maybe he needs to meet more girls. he said he wasn't very confident and when a girl reponded to him, it made him feel good about himself. But he said he wasn't sure what he really wanted on this front.
He iterated that he loved me, but had way too many issues right now to be fair to me and be sure that he wouldn't leave me again. He also mentioned that I have helped him a lot and can really help him with loads of issues, but he is really worried that after he feels better, he might leave me and did not want to use me this way.
In the end, I have asked him to get some professional help. There was no talk about us getting back, but we did tell eachother that we love eachother and miss eachother terribly.
I know I have broken the NC, but I did it this time as a friend because I was worried about him and didn't want to leave the situation without checking on him. I'm glad I did because he was lonely, depressed, completely broken and alone with no one to talk to.
I've helped him make a plan to write his issues down and start taking action to sort things out one by one.
So that's that.
I obviouly love this person and wish for us to be together somewhere deep inside, but definitely realize the situation and at this point feel like I should be minimally involved, like text him once in 3 to 4 days just to make sure he's ok, till be seeks professional help or I am confident is doing someting about his issues.
On the other hand, not sure how this will help me since I need to move on?
What should I do? Can I be selfish enough and completely ignore the state he is in and focus just on myself with comeplete NC, or should I focus on moving on but be minimally in touch with him to make sure he gets some help and doesn't do anything stupid with himself like text him once a week just to check he's ok?
PS - there was no kissing, or any romantic touching etc when I met him yesterday. He was broken and in peices and clearly just in a lot of pain. Neither of us suggested once that we get back together. We wants to work through his issues and I just wanted to make sure he is ok.
Posted 1 month ago # -
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Posted 1 month ago misty
offlineMemberOK, so even though I have asked for help and direction here,after some thinking and feelings from within I have my direction.
The long email with loads of personal issues, some of it discussing depression and suicide from my ex, scared me and did break me.
However, here's how I feel now --
I've done my part as a friend and asked him to seek professional help. I AM NOT A FUCKING THERAPIST. Neither am I Mother Terasa.
I am here to sort out MY LIFE. It's not easy for me either. But I am doing what I can to sort out my issues and get my life in control. He needs to do the same. if he needs a friend he needs to go get one. If he needs a therapist, he needs to go get one. If he needs girls to make him feel wanted to boost his confidence and insecurity, he needs to go get girls.
NOT MY BUSINESS. NOT MY PROBLEM.
I have a plan for everyday of this week. I'm out on a date on Thursday. I'm meeting new rock climbing partners and have 2 dinner parties with friends on Friday and Sunday.
This is going to be my year and I am on a mission to be the best I can.
I am going back to NC and this time nothing will break me, even a suicide note because I've done my part and asked him to get a therapist. there is nothing else I can do about this.
Once again.... THIS IS GOING TO BE MY YEAR.I don't need emotionally unstable dependent people sucking on my life and sapping all the energy I have. I need myself and my energy to make eveyrday of 2012 an amazing productive day for me.
I'm successful at work, have loads of friends, snowboard, rock climb. there's tons to do and i am not wasting anymore time of my life being sad and trying to sort out issues of men who hurt me.
Posted 1 month ago #-
misty said:
I am going back to NC and this time nothing will break meDid you re-send the recommended NC message without any changes?
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
Learn How to Create The Destiny of Your Choice
FREE Step-by-Step BREAK UP SURVIVAL PLANPosted 1 month ago # -
misty
offlineMemberDone. NC Message sent -
Hi,
I agree with you about the decision to break up, I really believe it was the best thing for both of us. I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over. I would really appreciate it if you didn’t contact me during this time. I will be in touch when I am ready.
MistyI'm off to work now. It's morning and I do feel lonely. But am excited about the day. Meeting my work people after the holidays, my divorce from my last marriage is going to get finalized this week (HOW COOL!!) and I am meeting a new rock climbing partner in the evening.
This is about my well being. After some thinking, I have come up with these 2 questions that I will ask myself everytime I slip into emotional traps ....
1. Is this benefitting my well being in anyway or am I spending time thinking about how the other person might be doing and his well being? If The answer is negative........ SNAP OUT OF MOMENT IMMEDIATELY AND DO SOMETHING ELSE.
2. NC MEANS NC. Till I am ready. Till I have my life back. Am I ready ? Do I feel emotionally strong to not get hurt by my ex after interacting with him? Do I feel good about my life and feel I am in control and have my life back ?
If the answer is NO, then DO NOT BREAK NC. No matter what the situation and no matter how long it's been. Use that time and focus those thoughts on what I need to do to fix my life NOT on what he needs to do to fix his.Thanks Scott. I appreciate your help.
MishtuPosted 1 month ago # -
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Posted 1 month ago willsucceed
offlineMemberMisty, I think that focusing on yourself and being really thoughtful before committing your heart and efforts to someone is critical right now. If I remember correctly, you have been through a divorce and now this unstable relationship. I suggest that you find a divorce and relationship recovery group. Almost half of the members of my group had gone through a divorce, then a significant relationship, and once that relationship didn't work they had joined up for the workshop. A good divorce and relationship recovery workshop focuses on you learning about things that help you move beyond your current situation and learn about forming stable and secure relationships in the future. The focus is on self-awareness and self-development.
I strongly suggest that you read "The Power" and take making a vision board very seriously. A vision board is essentially a visual depiction of what is in your mind. As you develop the board, you realize that you have these ideas in your mind that you don't even really know, but they come out as you develop the board. Somehow it is easier to accept and reject pieces of paper than it is ideas and expectations that we have in our heads. It helps clarify what you want away from all the jumbled thoughts, emotions, and expectations that we all have. Everyone on the forum can benefit, but I noticed this in your last post:
I'm successful at work, have loads of friends, snowboard, rock climb. there's tons to do and i am not wasting anymore time of my life being sad and trying to sort out issues of men who hurt me.
Keep in mind that a strong woman can attract dependent men that end up resenting her for her strength. There are emotionally stable men out there, but you need to have what that means in your mind so that you can recognize it and distinguish it from dependent, conflicted men. Read a lot about about the three attachment styles on the internet and focus on characteristics of stable attachment for your vision board. Be very selfish with giving your heart to someone once you evolve. That doesn't mean you don't date (when you are ready to do that again), in contrast, you may want to date a lot of men as part of what you do to learn what you really want.
Posted 1 month ago #-
misty
offlineMemberend of work day and I felt a bit lonely and nervous when everybody left work, partly because out of my routine my ex and I would be texting right now and making plans to either hang out or go climbing together in the evening. I HAVE NO DESIRE TO CONTACT HIM and realize this is only because I miss the comfort of having him
I'm off to climb in a new climbing gym now with a new climbing partner so looking forward to some exercise and fun !
The whole crying over people who treat you like shit and have no value for you is so senseless. Why can't the brain just process this and help us get over ex'es who've hurt us instantly? I can't believe I love (or do I?) and miss the person whose told me more than once that he does not want to be in a relationship with me and has hurt me multiple times.
Posted 1 month ago # -
misty said:
The whole crying over people who treat you like shit and have no value for you is so senseless. Why can't the brain just process this and help us get over ex'es who've hurt us instantly?It is a habit, obsession, and an addiction.
I asked myself the same thing when I used to stick needles in my arm back in my 20's.
Why do I go back to the same people who stuck guns in my face, and let them do it again?
I worked full time, but...
I was always fucking broke, desperate, and addicted.
Then one day I hit rock bottom.
I couldn't utter one more lie to get money from people I was never going to pay back.
Stealing, lying, selling my stuff for next to nothing...why?
I was a good guy, I didn't deserve this shit.
I was tired of being ashamed of my own reflection, and that is when my survival instinct kicked in.
After many trips to drug rehab centers that either sucked the money from my parents insurance policies, or treated me like I joined a fucking cult (threatened to shave my head).
I suddenly realized if I didn't care enough about myself to help myself...who fucking would?
Once I realized this and started taking responsibility for my own actions, the universe presented a solution, a tough one, but I took it, and I changed my life forever.
The universe sent you to our forum for a reason...you want to kick loves ass.
The bottom line is...stop focusing on why this happened, and start focusing on how you are going to save yourself, and not only survive, but become stronger and wiser from the whole experience.
Every problem is an opportunity.
Every bad thing happens for a good reason, and it is a turning point in our lives.
You can evolve, learn, and grow stronger from this experience, or you can give up, whither away and die.
You would be surprised what life has in store for you, but you have to keep playing the game (to win) in order to find out.
There is nothing selfish about self preservation, it is necessary.
You can not help/love anyone else until you learn how to help/love yourself...period.
My main goal is to help you (all the forum members) switch on your survival instinct, because once you do that, you are a force to be reckoned with.
Stay Strong and Positive!
PS - I also suffered a seriously broken heart almost 20 years ago, and guess what? If I ran into her now, it would probably still make my heart race...why? Who knows? We were only together for a month or so, but certain events leave a footprint that never go completely away. Was she my soul mate? Hell no, she (my soul-mate) is still out there somewhere.
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
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Posted 1 month ago misty
offlineMemberjust got back from climbing. completely knackered. Even if I want to, I have no energy to think of my ex, his problems, our time together etc. These thoughts are completely draining and my body and mind dont have the energy to do that, so before I can start thinking of anything, my brain just rejects it and it does not effect me.
Really weird, but it's true
a lot of the pain and drama we go through is because we have nothing else better to do. Just do something useful and get super tired. Problem solved.
And the side benefits are, I've done some pretty hardcore exercise, met many climbers and will be able to have a great sleep, ready for another awesome day tomorrow.
Oh and guess what, while i was in the climbing gym today, they were having a free class for techniques for women. Complete conincidence. It was a great class and I learnt quite a bit for free. Guess it's a sign that amazing things happen to people who get rid of rubbish and allow amazing things to happen to them
Posted 1 month ago #-
misty
offlineMemberhave a date tonight. Not sure how I feel about it, but I will dress up, look good, will go and have fun.
I miss you ex and clearly still have feeling for him. No desire to break the NC, but just a really hollow empty feeling. I cried today. I cry a bit everyday I think. I loved him and wanted us to be together and do things together.
But he left me, not once or twice, but broke up with me 4 times. Then sent me a long email saying he has conditions of being depressed, OCD etc. Cried his heart out saying he has issues but loves me. Amongst all his issues was also an issue of the desire to chase other pretty girls and start new relationships, because he likes what happens when relationships just start and everything is exciting and happy...........
......And then I think......... REALLY ??? WTF ?
And this is somebody i should shed my tears for? Someone who didnt value the real thing we had and instead is OK putting what we had at stake for some meningless flings which will give him the thrill.
And that gets be right back on track. HE DOES NOT DESERVE ME. Nobody should allow anyone to treat them like substitutes and with no respect.
NC is hard, but once I rationalize it, it makes SO MUCH SENSE, that it gets easier.
Posted 1 month ago # -
willsucceed
offlineMemberNC is hard, but once I rationalize it, it makes SO MUCH SENSE, that it gets easier.
Yes, the way I think about it is that we have our rational minds that will thank us in the future for what we are doing now. And we have our emotional selves that are a wreck and crave the familiar. We can help our current emotional selves by using techniques that come from our rational selves, such as gratitude lists, fast-forward, and "fake it until you make it". Eventually our emotional selves will catch up to our rational selves and enjoy the new life (new friends, skills, activities, capabilities) that we are developing right now.
Sometimes I feel like I'm baby sitting myself
I think your attitude about your date is a good one. You're not trying to find an intense connection with someone, but rather going out to enjoy yourself and meet a lot of people. It will help you figure out what you want when you're ready.
Posted 1 month ago # -
jane_eyre
offlineInactiveHi, Misty!
How exciting!
Of course you are nervous.
Makes me think of a children's book about Albert Aaberg (swedish children's book). He has his first school day the next morning. And he is very nervous. His dad sits down on his bed and comforts him by saying: Everybody gets nervous. All the kids that you are meeting tomorrow are as nervous as you are right now. Even the teacher is lying in bed nervous. This helps Albert. And he has a wonderful first day at school.
The one you are meeting tonight is also nervous.
You are lucky to get to make new memories. Think of it like that.
May those that love us, love us.
And those that don’t love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if he doesn’t turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles,
So we’ll know them by their limping.Posted 1 month ago # -
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Posted 1 month ago lunapearl
offlineMemberhi misty!
dont dwell on the negative of your ex only, just turn away and think about something else that makes you feel grateful,
maybe your parents?
your siblings?
your pet?
your work?
your hobby?
your friends?wow you have a date!
that's exciting!!well, more opportunities to meet your true love, right!
but take it easy okay! just enjoy your time!
dress up and feel beautiful, will make you feel great!Posted 1 month ago #-
misty
offlineMemberok, so NC is going really well. I have no desire to contact my ex, though I do think of him on and off during the day and miss him sometimes, but not in a painful way.
The more I think of how shit he treated me, what an asshole he was to hurt me, the easier this NC gets.
Also, I am keeping very very busy and really get quite tired by the end of the day to have any energy left to cry about someone who has absolutely no value for me.
I'm working, running, climbing, planning trips, going shoppings, going to parties, dating and making new friends.
However, I don't want to get too busy and occupied and forget what happened completely as well, because I NEVER EVER want to go through this pain again. Now that NC isn't an issue, I still need to work on myself and evolve.
I can't understand why an extremely independent, strong, successful, loving, kind, funny and attractive girl like me gets into this situation again and again. I'm 33 and have dated a lot. Been in quite a few relationships. Most cases, it's the guy who comes on very very strong quite quickly with me, wants a very serious relationship quite quickly, are absolutely crazy about me and show me a lot of attention and are completely smitten by me in the begining. After a few months, when I'm emotionally invested, things change. The guys get mean, start being insensitive, want to withdraw from the relationship. It's almost always a huge power shift, with me holding all the power in the begining and this power shifting to the guy once I fall in love.
My ex, was crazy about me and within a month of dating me was telling me he is falling in love with me, how crazy he is about me, how I am the one etc. Then as we stayed together longer, he stopped being nice to me and actually towards the end of the relationship it was him who said he wasn't ready for a relationship, that he does not want anything so serious and broke up with me. All this time in the begining, it was him who was pushing for a serious relationship. SO WEIRD !!
I dont think sticking to the NC will be a problem anymore, so I would now like to reach out to the forum members and advice on how I can focus on starting the process to evolve. Also if anybody else relates to what I just said, could you share with me, why this is happening to us? Clearly it's not just our ex'es that are making mistakes. We are making mistakes as well by allowing such people who hurt us, to enter our life, take control and walk all over us. WHat are we doing wrong? How can we fix this ?
Posted 1 month ago # -
lunapearl
offlineMemberhi misty!
someone walks out of relationship because he/she is not happy in that relationship.
what makes them not happy?
well, many reasons, and i read a book it is different between men and women
to answer your questions, why dont you read the book 'men are from mars women are from venus?'
it's a good book for relationship and an eye opening of what to do in a relationship, i understand better what women and men wants in a relationship, how they keep scores, etcand for the women attraction, you should read the book 'why men love bitches', you will understand better why men lose interest in women, how to maintain the attraction, etc
i love those books! you will understand better if you read them yourself!
now i just focus on getting my new life, my new better life, and i focus on my career right now so i dont think much about relationship, well, maybe a little , to reflect on what i did wrong so i dont make the same mistakes anymore
let's stay strong together!
Posted 1 month ago # -
willsucceed
offlineMemberMisty, I was thinking about what you wrote and was wondering if it's a red flag when someone pushes to have a relationship develop really fast at the beginning. I moved around a lot when I was growing up and I noticed that when I started at a new school there were a group of people who would want to be fast friends right away. I learned to be friendly but not develop close friendships really fast because these students were often the ones who liked to just sit, observe, and complain about the other students. They were usually people I didn't want to have as best friends.
I wonder if this is the case with dating. Those that want a really fast beginning may have an anxious attachment style which doesn't help in the long run, while more stable people take it much slower and get to know the other person first.
Just some thoughts.
Posted 1 month ago # -
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Posted 1 month ago daphne_555
offlineMemberMisty,
I really agree with will above. I was a military brat, and I've noticed this as well. Those that are into a quick friendship or romantic relationship tend to bail quickly. I'm not that way. I take a lot of time to get a lot of data about the person before I let my guard down incrementally. I think that's the best approach. To me it's always a red flag when someone wants to sweep me off my feet. It has always ended poorly.
Posted 1 month ago #-
misty
offlineMemberwow, I've been busy the last 2 days, made new friends, planned lots of things for this whole week and went to the gym.
I have had moments while driving or going to bed, where I missed my ex sometimes, felt angry and cried as well.
I have been in NC since 23rd Dec, with the exception of seeing him once on the 3rd, when he sent me a long email claiming depression and other personal issues.
Since the 3rd niether of us has contacted eachother. It's the longest in the last 6 months that he has stayed without contacting me, calling or texting me. (Even after he broke up, he was always getting back in touch within 3 days)
So this time, I think he's finally accepted the situation.
I have not had any desire to break the NC, but I do miss him every now and then.
Also since people are back from holidays, I have started running into common friends, dreading the moment when I run into him, which is likely because we climb in the same climbing gym.
Also, I have put thoughts and incidences together and realize that he might actually be seeing a girl who works in his office. He did tell me that he found her pretty and is interested in her and had been texting her about a week before he broke up with me (he told me this on the 3rd night, when he spent hours crying talking about other personal issues related to his depression and lonliness, OCD and parents)
So that's that, it's all feeling like a thing of the past though still painful.
I now feel much stronger and ready to start working on my personal evolution. I would like to do this in a structured way. The forum has been great and amazing. A lot of books have been recommended, but with so many books and methods that can help, I am feeling a bit overwhelmeed on how to start.
Can someone guide me on how I should strat? Maybe what books, methods etc I should start with.
Some of my own issues that I have realized I need to work on are -
1. Allowing poeple in my life quickly in an intimate way, because I am lonely alone and really enjoy the intimacy with a partner.
2. Getting attached and very close in relationships quickly
3. Being attracted to the wrong kind of people. My last 2 relationships have been with guys who were both very dependent, fell into a serious relationship with me very quickly and were not emotionally stable.
4. Once I fall in love, I find it very very hard to leave and cut off, and hence lower my standards and start compromising. Dragging on the relationship even when i am not happy and feel I am not being treated right.Thanks
Posted 1 month ago # -
lunapearl
offlineMemberhey misty!
i would recommend 'the power ' first.
i think we need to feel positive first and the rest will come into place.
my experience: the first weeks i spent travelling and reading relationship books, i read mars and venus but at that time i couldnt read more because i would feel this guilty feelings as i read the mistakes i did, i knew that i was supposed to understand better about relationship and not make the same mistakes again, but i thought it was not the time yet, i wanted to feel better first, then i read 'the power' and practiced gratitude (well, time also heals me), and now i already feel better and i can read the relationship books again, i wouldnt feel guilty reading the mistakes like the first weeks and i understand much better about relationship.one book at a time, too many books made me confused too, im doing it slowly!
stay strong okay!
Posted 1 month ago # -
misty
offlineMemberScott -- What's your advice in structuring the plan that I can follow for my self evolution?
After doing some self reflection, I have realized a pattern that after i get attached to the guy (which happens within 3 months of meeting them and spending loads of time with them) I let them get away with quite a bit, and drag on relationships that i see quite a few red flags in and am clearly not happy with?
Also, on the guys end, they fall for me quite quickly and intensely and everyone I've started a relationship with wants to spend 3 to 4 days in a week with me immediately after we start dating (things move quite fast) and then after a few months, they are unhappy ( a lot of them leave saying - I don't think I can make you happy)
During my process of evolution, which I am taking quite seriously, I would like to understand about myself, about relationships and about men so that I actually change the bad habits and in time when I do meet the right person, I am doing the right things for myself and for my relationship.
Posted 1 month ago # -
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Posted 1 month ago misty said:
Scott -- What's your advice in structuring the plan that I can follow for my self evolution?After doing some self reflection, I have realized a pattern that after i get attached to the guy (which happens within 3 months of meeting them and spending loads of time with them) I let them get away with quite a bit, and drag on relationships that i see quite a few red flags in and am clearly not happy with?
That is easy.
When you see a red flag more than once, bring it up.
If you don't like the way it gets handled by your partner, move on.
If you keep taking someone's bullshit, they will come to expect it.
You have to ask yourself; is it better to be alone for the time being or settle for less than you expect from a relationship.
It is always your choice.
Ignore your friends, family, and the peer pressure to "have someone in your life".
We all march to the beat of a different drum, so why do we all have to adhere to the same social timetable?
Different drum, different timetable. A different approach to find someone you love and RESPECT and returns the same to you.
Who cares who gets married before you?
Chances are they will get divorced before you too.
Take your time, and make sure you are comfortable and do not force yourself to move forward romantically just to "look normal".
Stay Strong and Positive!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
Learn How to Create The Destiny of Your Choice
FREE Step-by-Step BREAK UP SURVIVAL PLANPosted 1 month ago #-
misty
offlineMemberScott - Thanks. That makes sense
I have some tips from other forum members, but was wondering what your view is... what books, topics, techniques should i start reading that will help me. I would like to focus on 1 or maximum 2 books at a time and can reserch topics and techniques in parallel to learn from them. Definitely need to read and research, because as I start and try to solve the jumbled thoughts in my head and try to make sense of them, I am finding it quite overwhelming without direction.
Posted 1 month ago # -
misty said:
but was wondering what your view is... what books, topics, techniques should i start reading that will help me.Are there any books on discovering your own "common sense"?
That is all this really is...common sense.
You are aware of your problem, and that is the biggest obstacle, people don't acknowledge their fuck-ups.
Now you just have to stop making the same mistakes.
The only book I can think that will help you change the way you think/feel is The Power.
Books that over-analyze relationships are just confusing.
I say the biggest problem today is women feel like they have to be at a certain point in a relationship by a certain time, or they have failed in some way as a woman.
That is not true.
The only time you fail (as a human being) is when you choose to ignore your instincts, and do something anyways just to feel accepted by others.
When you cave to peer pressure, you sell yourself short.
This shit goes on everywhere, and all you have to do is choose not to take part in it.
And that takes courage, and you will not find courage in reading a book, you gain it by taking action.
I laugh my ass off at some of the dating profiles I read from women. They sound more like they are ordering from a drive through window, not trying to attract their soul-mate.
I totally understand physical attraction, but their man has to be a certain height so they can wear 6 inch high heels and still be shorter than him.
WTF is that nonsense all about?
Are they looking for a soul-mate, or a fucking accessory to their wardrobe?
People have to be more careful how they choose the person they will share their heart with.
If you follow the LOA, you will understand that if you settle for less, the universe will always give you less, your actions are saying that is what you want.
Don't settle, and don't pick your partner for any reason other than you feel a "mutual" connection with them deep down inside.
Who cares who is taller than who, if you are madly in love, nothing else matters, right?
It is no wonder that get your ex back books make so much money.
I tell the truth, and it doesn't make me much money, but I think the rewards of being honest with myself and others far out way making money.
Use your head, it is free, and it is full of ingrained "survival" knowledge (a.k.a. common sense) if you tap into it.
Stay Strong and Positive!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
Learn How to Create The Destiny of Your Choice
FREE Step-by-Step BREAK UP SURVIVAL PLANPosted 1 month ago # -
misty
offlineMemberI couldn't sleep very well last night, not because I wanted to break NC etc, but the whole 6 months just played in my mind like a movie.
This guy who was telling me he is really into me within a month of being with me, wanted me to be his girlfriend, wanted to spend all his free time with me etc.....the same guy actually dumped me 6 months later saying he is not ready for a relationship and probably wants to indulge in short term dating, meet other girls, get it out of his system. He went as far as saying that I can never give him the thrill of a new relationship anymore which he thinks he wants ....WTF ???
I never asked this guy for any commitment, He was needy, wanted to know where I was, what I was doing all the time. He was the one who wanted commitment from me.
The only thing wrong i did was to trust this moron and fall for his sweet affection and attention within 2 months of him showing it to me. I allowed him space in my life too soon, got attached very quickly and did not give it time to allow him to prove himself to me.
Now I am dating again and have met this guy who I went on a first date with and enjoyed the first date.
He's been texting me and has asked me out for a movie and dinner (which I have agreed for next week, even though he wanted to see me this week)
He's been texting me and trying to keep in touch through the whole day.
I send short replies to a few texts.......THEN STOP. He does not need to know what i'm doing everyday. THis one is going to go VERY VERY SLOW. And if things do progress with him or anybody else, I will not fall for some guys charming ways within a month. If somebody wants to be in my life now, they need to prove they are worth it. Part of my evolution process is to be strong enough to not fall into something because I fear loosing the relationship if I don't respond. I will respond, but when I am sure and in my own time. If somebody truly values you, respects you and cares enough to be with you, THEY WILL WAIT till you are ready. They will give you enough time and prove they deserve you by actions and not just empty words.
This is a change in me. Part of my evolution process
I haven't approached dating and relationships this way in the past. I have felt lonely and insecure when single, and hence as soon as I find someone I like, I let them in my life almost immediately forming very strong attachments very very quickly. Mostly the guys want to get into an intense relationship with me very quickly and i respond by allowing the relationship to go at the pace they control, because I fear that if I didnt respond, they might loose interest and find somebody else. I DONT HAVE THAT FEAR ANYMORE. if they leave or push me into getting attached earlier than I am ready, They were never meant to be with me, so THEY CAN LEAVE.I AM EVOLVING and thankful to everybody in the forum who is giving me the sense and strenght to do this.
Posted 1 month ago # -
daphne_555
offlineMemberGood for you! I swear what you wrote resonates with me. I let the guy control the pace of the relationship. It was a bit slower than it sounds like yours went, but I wanted it slower still.
YOU are in charge of YOUR relationship. If that guy wants the thrill of the chase, let him go find someone else. I doubt that's what you want. I know it's not what I want. This is a kind of guy that's not good in relationships to begin with, imo.
And as far as the texting, I'm dating a guy that keeps texting me throughout the day talking about the future. I just ignore half of his texts. I'm at work. He's not my life. If he wants to stick around, he'll wait for me to catch up with his half baked plans.
Posted 1 month ago #
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