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*MelanieStryder's NC Diary*
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I HATE SPAM! Read Our Privacy PolicyPosted 1 year ago Claire
offlineMemberGood work Melanie...glad to hear you're starting to feel better about things! A bit of eye candy always helps to cheer you up too!! haha!! It's good thing knowing that you can fancy someone else too, it shows you that you have the potential to have feelings for someone different in the future and not just him!!! Keep moving forward and let us know how you are getting on
Posted 1 year ago #-
MelanieStryder
offlineMemberI need advice! And fast! Should I see this friend or not?
His name is Michael. This isn't just any friend...I "met" my ex through this guy. This could make me or break me, so please advise me what to do.
This summer he went to a special camp for "bad kids" to turn good. He went in as a smoking, dipping, all around morally-bad dude, and it turned him into a great, great guy now. He has come back in town as a new, spiritual, emotionally-in-tune guy; completely different from the old Michael.
Michael wants to catch up with me after being away for 7 months; however, he is my ex's best friend! (Red flag?) Just him and me. No ex.
Michael cares a lot for me as a friend, and is very sorry about what happened between my ex and I. but what makes this situation so dangerous is that he is closely connected with my ex! However, I can assure you we are not going to talk about my ex during the dinner. He simply wants to reconnect with all of his friends now that he is back in town.
I'm hesitant about going to see him, tomorrow night being the earliest time. But I don't know how long he is in town, and I don't want to miss him before he leaves for another year.
If he was in town for good, I would wait a long time until I talked with my ex's best friend ... but he's not.
Help?
Posted 1 year ago # -
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Posted 1 year ago -
MelanieStryder
offlineMemberMy ex misses me.
Just as friends, though.
Michael (my ex's best friend) called me just now. Being very cautious about what this conversation would be about, I told him I couldn't talk for long. He told me that he just got done talking with my ex. He said that my ex really misses me, and just wants to talk.
I could feel tears in the back of my eyes just talking to Michael, so there is NO way I am ready for anything right now.
Thank goodness I stuck with the NC plan, and left my ex's life gracefully. I have a feeling that my ex feels like sh*t for calling me bitchy, and breaking NC when I asked him nicely, all of the sh*t he has done. I told him he is no good for me as a friend.
"You should give him a call. It'd make his day."
"I tried making his day for an entire year," I said.We are keeping this just between us, of course. He's the one who suggested it.
You know what that means...
NC, BABY!!!
FULL STEAM AHEAD! No giving in, especially at this point.Did I mention my ex is going out with the girl that I specifically asked him not to date? Back when we broke up? Because she goes to my school. And I get to see her in one week.
Awesome.
But I know she is intimidated by me.
Hehehe...now we're getting somewhere!All my ex wants is just to be friends. That's what the talk will be about. Uhm, no thanks. The only person I have to look out for now is myself and my own happiness.
Here's an interesting concept: My ex took this girl to a local theme park, probably trying to cope with the fact that I no longer take him to Six Flags anymore. He's probably trying to fill the void in his life with this silly (and slightly crazy) girl that we both know. That makes me feel a little better about myself. Thanks Scott for helping me stick to the NC plan, because I'm finally seeing results...I'm going to ignore all communication with Michael from this point on because he will just try to convince me to talk to my ex.
So with all of that being said, where do I go from this point?Posted 1 year ago # -
turtle
offlineInactiveJust keep doing what we're all supposed to do: work on yourself. Go to school, study, volunteer, have fun with your friends. Do something good for you every day.
And try not to let your mutual friends talk to you about your ex. It only makes the wound fresh. You have to do no contact all the way.
Melanie, you sound spunky and delightful. Let everyone around you see that. And when you're not looking your ex will see it too. But he's not there yet. So think about something that makes you feel good, other than him. This is your time. Do something you want. Your ex is doing what he wants. Look out for you.
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Posted 1 year ago Sport Billy
offlineMemberKeep looking after YOU.....
Been reading your story....
Inspiring...
ALL about YOU
Posted 1 year ago #-
MelanieStryder said:
If this meeting was inevitable, would it be wise to bring one of my mutual girl friends with me to the dinner? You know, a way to keep us from getting on the subject of my ex?I don't know why this meeting would be inevitable, but if you must go through with it, just answer any question about your personal (dating) life, the break up, and the NC message with the recommended reply as outlined in the free plan; "I am not ready to talk about that, can we talk about something else?"
If the person keeps pressing you, politely end the meeting, get up and leave...easy enough?
I recommend you put off meetings like this until you have evolved more.
Your ex is using his friend to undermine your no contact strategy...don't let him.
NC is not about playing cat and muse with each other, it is about evolving past your old failed relationship, and that takes time...too bad if your ex misses you, let him deal with it, and evolve too.
If this guy is really a "true friend" he will understand, and stay out of your business, and will not be offended, if he is, then he wasn't much of a friend, right?
Stay Strong!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
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Posted 1 year ago MelanieStryder
offlineMemberI had 6 missed calls last night
From my ex's best friend!
I laughed right out loud! This is just getting sad!
Last night, I had a movie night with my girl friends. A friend brought a projector to set up outside. The movie projected on a white sheet, and we watched it while swimming in her pool. A very unique experience.
After the movie, I picked up my phone and gasped! 6 missed calls! Dayuummm!
5 from an unknown number, and 1 from the best friend. How did his number even evade the blocking application? He probably overloaded the system from calling so much! His frantic calls validate my NC and make me giggle... The urgency behind these calls only strengthens my commitment to NC. The fact that he's blowing up my phone, using another number too, is just too funny...
Anyway, I'm feeling great these days!!! No boyfriend, no problem! And great news, I work with my cute coworker tomorrow..hehe..I can't wait to work!
I think NC is a little too powerful or something because it's working magic on the wrong people xD like the best friend! Hehe..
I really hope my ex has begun to evolve like I have. I hope he has already started to realize what a kickass girlfriend I used to be! He will NEVER have another Melanie. That's what keeps me going strong. I believe he is in slight panic mode, knowing I am going away forever. But if not, then it's whatever...I'm happy single anyway! Win/win!
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Posted 1 year ago killafornia
offlineMemberStay strong, Melanie! I know it's hard not to reply. You want to defend yourself or say something that you believe will make them think. But, in all honesty, it's best to leave them drowning in their own thoughts. Let THEM deal with it for once!
You focus on you, focus on continuing to be your fabulous self. You don't his attention, validation, or reassurance. Though it is amusing to watch him try to butt in so you "won't forget him" haha.
Posted 1 year ago #-
MelanieStryder
offlineMemberToday is my ex's 18th birthday. Happy birthday, assmunch! I hope you anticipate my birthday wish, you will not be receiving it today. Ha ha!
Instead, I'm wishing my mom a happy birthday. I'm thankful her birthday is today! A convenient, healthy, and enjoyable distraction from his.The only real news I can update is that my ex's best friend texted me "hey" last night. The significant part about this is that he could've wanted to throw some information about my ex onto me. I don't care to talk to him whatsoever.
Here's some significant progress. I knew my ex was having a birthday dinner with friends as I got off of work last night. I realized that this was NOT a good night to be home alone. Instead of sulking, I went to the gym and ran for 1 hour! I kicked my own ass before love could.
Hooray for endorphins!Thank you stridokride, ellie, 130492, and killa for the feedback. I really appreciate the support!
Posted 1 year ago # -
Allyxo21
offlineInactiveI can sort of connect to how your ex is hanging around another girl a lot. My ex knew that I didn't like this specific girl long before we broke up, and yet she was the closest person he could get a hold on after we separated. Unfortunately, mutual friends update me on what goes on with them, even though I don't ask for it.
I believe that he's just trying to fill the void in his life as well. But we both shouldn't care about what others do with their time. Just focus on yourself.
It's good that you're not talking to your ex's best friend now. There could be a chance of you getting close to him, and doing something you'll regret. You could look at the longest post on my NC diary, a couple posts below yours, if you wanted to see more on that lol.
Posted 1 year ago # -
killafornia
offlineMemberI totally talked to my ex's best friend yesterday. i fwd'd a text my ex sent me because it was a little disturbing and told him that what i was doing was taking time "for me" (in short). I hope what i said didn't give away too much - is it possible for them knowing about NC to backfire the purpose? i suppose not, since i am continuing to work on myself and better myself anyway.
After yesterday I decided that communicating with any mutual friends during this time is probably not the best idea - as you've talked about and decided as well.Glad to see you're still progressing positively! Working out has definitely helped boost me in more ways than one too :]
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Posted 1 year ago MelanieStryder
offlineMemberMy ex's "girlfriend" is in my class.
She sits right behind me. I was planning to avoid her the entire year. But I can't anymore! There's no way out this time. Out of all the juniors in the entire school, why must it be that girl!? I did NOT see this coming. That class was going great until she walked in the door.
Life threw me a curveball out of nowhere. Anxiety took over for the next few hours; I couldn't even process what the teachers were saying anymore. I drove to the gym ASAP and ran off my anxiety until it was impossible to think about anything but the burning in my muscles.
There must be a specific reason why God put this girl in my class. I just can't see it yet, and I probably won't for many months. I don't know how this could be a good thing for me. Whenever I look at her, I panic. But this panic is SO much better than the pain I would be suffering as my ex's best friend. This anxiety is bliss, compared to what I would be feeling.I can tell she is still afraid to talk to me, to look at me. I spun around to answer the girl behind me, and she flinched. I'm the scary senior ex-girlfriend.
So what if she took me by surprise? So what if she gives me anxiety attacks? It will pass with time, and it's so much better than crying over my ex, giving him what he wants, and sticking around as his loyal friend. I've recollected myself by now, and I'm not panicking.
Today was just one of those very low days. As soon as I realized that, it improved tremendously.
I'm going to be civil, but not go out of my way to be nice to her. I'll just pretend like she doesn't exist. She absolutely cannot see that I'm offended by her presence, but at the same time, I'm not going to be her buddy buddy. It's not her fault that my ex is talking to her. What poor luck...This was going to be my favorite class. (My ex doesn't go to my school, btw, only the girl)
Is this the right way to act towards this girl?
Posted 1 year ago #-
turtle
offlineInactiveThis is how we handle the new "gf":
-Just handle the ex non-talk like you would with your friends.
-If she brings him up, be cool as a cucumber and say what you would say to anyone about him in no contact. Nothing. And it makes you seem mysterious.
-Only talk to her when you have to but always be pleasant.
-Don't be overly nice or overly helpful.
-And look hot every damn day.Look at you Melanie! You're beautiful, kind and smart. Feel sympathetic toward her. She will probably feel insecure.
Posted 1 year ago # -
MelanieStryder said:
I'm going to be civil, but not go out of my way to be nice to her. I'll just pretend like she doesn't exist. She absolutely cannot see that I'm offended by her presence, but at the same time, I'm not going to be her buddy buddy.Is this the right thing to do?
Treat her like any other student in the class.
Be polite, but do not talk to her, or anyone (for that matter) about your personal life.
Your personal life is personal, and your evolution depends upon your ability to rely upon yourself, and no one else (except maybe your forum buddies) to survive your NC/personal evolution.
This is an evolution, does the caterpillar throw parties in it's cocoon...Fuck NO...it is too busy evolving into a butterfly.
You will be a butterfly too, just stick to the plan, and be polite, but not stupid, you have to go sort of "Vulcan" during your evolution...control your emotions, understand?
Stay Strong!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
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Posted 1 year ago -
buttercuproses
offlineMemberHey melanie - wow, you've come so far - congrats!!
I'm sorry life threw you that curve ball - I'm sure you're gonna be able to smack it out of the park tho - head up girl, be the "better man" and just keep on moving forward.x xit is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at allPosted 1 year ago # -
MelanieStryder
offlineMemberGood news, good news
You know the "girlfriend" I referred to in the last post?
Honestly, I don't know if calling her "girlfriend" is even accurate. This is a good thing. Sure, my ex took her to the local theme park, but nobody takes anyone there unless it's just casual.I realize now that my panicky mind fabricated the "girlfriend" thing. Maybe that date was disasterous and they never spoke again. I don't care to know.
Really and truly, I think he just wanted to fill that Melanie void...and it didn't work. I'm not spending any more time on it though. The point is that there is no need to continue the "girlfriend" title for this girl.What started this is how I inadvertently learned that she is going to dinner with two guys that I know. So, if she were really dating my ex, she wouldn't be going to this dinner.
Even though I didn't mean to hear about this, it was just enough information to encourage me. So, the point of this post is to show everyone that I've found peace within myself concerning this "girlfriend" chick.
I know I'm not supposed to play guessing games with my ex, but I want to share my conclusions with the people on this forum. My evolution is really kicking in!Hopefully I won't need to mention her anymore, so I won't have to think of a new title for her.
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Posted 1 year ago -
Claire
offlineMemberHi Melanie,
Just thought i'd pop you a hello and say that you seem to be doing fantastic with NC and staying so strong!! You're a greta example for everyone else on here. I hope things work out for you either way and that feeling you describe of being 'at peace' remains a consistent one. You're kicking ass!!! Good work!
Posted 1 year ago # -
MelanieStryder
offlineMemberadmin said:
Treat her like any other student in the class.I have a question about this ^
Today, I treated the girl as I normally would treat any other student, but afterwards I was having mixed signals. I was put in a group of 3 with my senior friend and the girl. I sensed tension in the girl, obviously, because we knew we'd have to actually interact, acknowledge each other, and talk for once, lol. I was cool as a cucumber, though.
For example, when my eyes met hers, she immediately glanced away at the other girl in a split second. She would direct all conversation to my friend, not me. I felt like she was hyper-sensitive to my every move.
The thing is, I'm becoming more used to her being in my class. I'm more comfortable with her around. My barriers were slowly going down. Since our assignment wasn't hard at all, we had time to goof around.
At first, I was directing my conversation to my senior friend only. As time went on, I started directing the conversation to the both of them. This is what I would have normally done for any other student, enemy or not. I was friendly, joking around, having fun... I thought this was ok, since Scott told me to treat her like any other person in the class. And I was.
Here is my concern: I feel like she is slowly starting to not be intimidated by me. She can finally stop holding her breath around me, so to speak. Instead of the scary, indifferent senior girl, I was this friendly, outgoing girl. (But I was being genuine, so it's not necessarily a bad thing). She even had the guts to ask me a friendly question!
So, by treating her like any other student, I feel like I'm actually becoming her friend, in a weird way. I feel like I'm becoming less and less intimidating. I want to stay scary Question:
When you say to treat her like any other student in the class/be polite, do you mean concerning academics only?Or the full package, like when I was having conversation and joking around while in a group with her? I would have included everyone and been friendly, "girlfriend" chick or not.
I'd like to know the right way to treat her when we're in such a small group, while staying intimidating
Posted 1 year ago # -
MelanieStryder said:
I'd like to know the right way to treat her when we're in such a small group, while staying intimidatingWho said you had to stay intimidating?
Your confidence, and self assured style will keep her in check.
But once again NC is not about scaring anyone, it is about evolving as an individual.
This girl poses no threat to you, or to your evolution, just be careful what you talk about with her.
Keep it all about class, sports, TV, whatever...nothing about boys, or dating.
If that happens just shift the conversation, or find a reason to leave.
You will in no way be relinquishing any "power" if you walk away.
The bottom line is to be cool, be yourself, and be aware of what you talk with her about...she will no doubt try to sniff out if you're still interested in your ex boyfriend, or not.
That is none of her fucking business, is it?
When she finds that you mean her no harm, and that you will not divulge your personal life she will keep it cool too, make sense?
You set the tone, and she will follow it.
You're doing great!
Stay Strong!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
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Posted 1 year ago MelanieStryder
offlineMemberI experienced an incredible epiphany...
First off, my ex is not worth my time. I can live without the boyfriend part, but what is sad is that he is not even a good friend for me.
Unless he changes dramatically, I do not want to date him. You mark my word.
He will seriously never realize the damage he has done. I've accepted this. It makes him who he is. Arrogant.You know why I get so sad? It's not because I miss my boyfriend right now--I mourn the loss of the boyfriend I had a year ago, the boy who treated me RIGHT. I don't miss the guy I've been dating for the past few months.
My epiphany: He will never hurt me again.
I don't miss my ex. I miss the boy who he used to be. He is not the same. He hasn't been the same for months. I am rejecting him from my life. And I like it.
I'm so happy...He will never hurt me again. Whether he is in my life or not doesn't matter; if he doesn't change, then I choose to live a life without him. I won't even call him.
If he does change, I'll think about it.My entire family disapproves of my ex: my dad is repulsed by the way he treated my feelings at the end of our relationship. He becomes so enraged at my ex that his face turns red. Like this guy ->
My stepmom calls my ex a schmuck.
My friends agree he is a jerk, even his best friend!
So many people back up my story, and I'm finally realizing that my ex's true colors have shown.I think today would've been a month of NC, but I broke it a few times. The new date is September 5, but I'm aiming for October. That boy will never, ever cause me pain, ever again.
I'm finally entering the INDIFFERENCE STAGE!
Can you believe I'm the same Melanie from 4 weeks ago!??Posted 1 year ago #-
jessicaj49
offlineMemberHey Mel,
Yah! Great to hear you are doing so well! I'm really happy for you! There are some guys we just leave in our past. Sounds like your ex is one of them. Lucky for you, you are young and will likely look back on this and laugh. Funny enough, my first bf (not that this was your first or was he?) dumped for a girl with bigger boobs. I thought my life was over and I was totally humiliated. Well fast forward 5 years and he calls me when I was in university and tells me the mistake he made and how he still loves me. I laughed my head off. He became a milk truck driver(nothing wrong with that, I just have different goals) , cheated lots of his now wife and now they have 3 kids and are miserable. Not the road I would have wanted! So yeah Mel! Keep up the good work and find someone who fits you! Especially now that you have taken time to find you.
Cheers,
Jess
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Posted 1 year ago MelanieStryder
offlineMemberToday I have a sore throat, but I've found a way to apply this to my evolution. I know, I'm crazy...Actually, I'm feeling very delirious, so this post could sound insane. As I was stirring vegetable soup, I was looking at the electric stove...and thought of a relative metaphor to describe my situation with my ex!
This helped me with NC, so it counts as progress, right?
Well here it is, maybe it will help you guys out:Dating my ex was like placing my hand on an electric stove. This stove has 12 notches of heat power. Every month that passed, the heat would notch up a level. Because electric stoves heat up slowly, the pain in your hand increases slowly too...You can feel the pain underneath your hand, but it's insignificant...
So la-de-dah, times goes by, and you notice your hand has been hurting more and more. Eventually it's on notch 12 and you are finally wondering if it's time to let go of the stove. But it's already done its damage, by now it's red-hot. (Translation: why am I still agreeing to date this guy when he hurts me so bad?)
So you let go, but your hand is still fucked up. You think you might as well go back to touching the stove if it's going to hurt so bad. (Translation: begging, professing your love, promising to change, all of the wrong things)
But if you allow it, the pain will go away with time. Just stay away from the stove during this time! (Translation: Stick to NC or else!) Because the stove is still red-hot and allowing your healing hand to get close to that stove is only going to fuck up the healing process.
So, in metaphor terms, get away from the kitchen. (Translation: detach yourself from your ex's life.) If your ex asks to be friends, you're basically hovering your hand over the heat, but without physical contact.
The stove might be cooling off at this point, or it might still be red hot, but you don't know. (Translation: you don't know whether your ex is evolving or not) It's only when you have a normal hand again when you can decide whether you want to cook again with the stove. (Translation: it's only after NC when you can decide whether you want to date your ex again). Personally, I think it's time for a microwave.
..Alright, well, that's a little abstract..but it made sense to me! Maybe it will make NC more fun if you think about it this way. Or not. Haha.
Posted 1 year ago #-
killafornia
offlineMemberHaha, I love it! I'm coming to a similar epiphany myself, though I admire how strongly you feel your's at the moment. I still have a little ways to go before I can even consider reconnecting, but I am seriously considering if I would ever want to be with my ex again. I knew long ago that A LOT of change would need to happen. They need this time like we do, and in the best cases, it shocks them into a realization they wouldn't have gotten to if we'd stayed around. If not, that's okay because we realize we don't need them (or that nasty behavior/nasty feeling) in our life anymore. Plus, doing NC shows us that we can survive without them, so we learn that no one is essential to our survival but us.
Good luck on the rest of your journey! You're doing incredibly well.
Posted 1 year ago # -
MelanieStryder
offlineMemberI feel like I'm on top of the world!!!!
I have a hunch that my ex will try to contact me this month. I'm not expecting it out of false hope. I can guarantee he will think of me a certain day of this month (even for a minute!), and I wouldn't be surprised if he called or something. I'm not counting on it though, it's just a mental note to stick to NC.
I'm kicking ASS these days.
I feel great, and it's because I've set my own goals.
For every day in September, I'm going to the gym and running at least 30 minutes on the treadmill. I improved my endurance by 100 calories today. Yeahh boiiI'm going to try to meet one new guy for every football game I go to. Not only did I do this, I reconnected with a few old guy friends, AND met new guys without trying.
I'm volunteering with some guys to build houses around our city. Volunteer hours + meeting boys =
..and there's more, but basically, I'm loving life.
I'm seriously considering reconciliation with my ex soon. So if you want to see how that goes, stay tuned this month!
He's probably missing me a ton!! Lol! Who cares!This is to all of the members who are struggling with NC right now:
If NC is dragging you down and you miss your ex a ton, let me just tell you that I was like YOU only a few weeks ago! Look how happy I am now! You can be like that too. But you have to understand that it requires genuine effort.
When I started NC, I remember browsing through the success stories, hoping I could pick out the chances of my ex coming back to me. It didn't take long before I realized that wasn't working well for me at all. That's when I took action! I set goals, both academically and socially, and I'm working hard to achieve them. The harder you work to achieve happiness, the sooner you'll get it and the more you'll receieve.If you look back at my NC diary, you can tell I was really struggling...I had written him a journal for our anniversary, and I poured my heart out on those pages. I wrote about the things I loved about him (this was before NC).
Once I started regaining my life, I took a big fat ugly marker and slashed out all of the emotional bullshit
hahaha! I was so blind, and I see that now! (No pun intended). Just stick to NC and you'll truly see that your ex probably wasn't right for you. I know that's a scary thought, but it's a good thing for you to see it if it's true.I can be happy without my ex, or I can be happy as his girlfriend, IF HE CHANGES TOO! I am not going back to the old arrogant boy I used to date. If he hasn't changed, then I'll reject him. I am unhappy "just as friends" like he wants, and I understand that about myself now. If it is a friendship I'm going to get for the rest of my life with him, then I am truly going my separate ways with him for good.
Just stick with NC if you are doubting yourself
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