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MarilynsFan's NC Diary
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I HATE SPAM! Read Our Privacy PolicyPosted 1 year ago MarilynsFan
offlineMember"Hey
I agree with u about the decision to break up. I really believe it was the best thing for both of us. I have some big decisions to make and would appreciate it if you didn't contact me during this time. I'll be in touch when I'm ready"And hi folks =)
I'm impatient, insecure, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. - M.MonroePosted 1 year ago #-
Mainey
offlineInactiveHi Marilyn! I read you're story.. it's really a limbo, huh? Don't worry hun! We'll be here to support you, and kick your ass when you're about to break NC! In a good way of course
you can always write me if there's anything! 
"If guns don't kill people, and we're assuming people kill people...
Does that mean toasters don't toast toast, toast toast toast?"
"Happiness is just a hairflip away :hairflip:"Posted 1 year ago # -
MarilynsFan
offlineMemberThank you Mainey! I think we might be around the same age so I'm glad to know you!
I'm impatient, insecure, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. - M.MonroePosted 1 year ago # -
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Posted 1 year ago -
Mainey
offlineInactiveYeah it's not too far from eachother, but you may have had a few more years to experience.
I'm also glad to meet you too, and if there's anything you'd like to talk about just PM me!"If guns don't kill people, and we're assuming people kill people...
Does that mean toasters don't toast toast, toast toast toast?"
"Happiness is just a hairflip away :hairflip:"Posted 1 year ago # -
MarilynsFan
offlineMemberFeeling kind of angry today. Well maybe not angry..I'm not sure what it is I'm feeling. Frustration seems more like it. Two things keep sticking out in my mind.
Two weeks ago he begs to talk to me . And I mean begsss.."Please I would be begging to talk to you. I have a lot on my mind. I never gave us this second chance for real and I really want to work things out and get back on track with you"
*went on and on about how the semester without me was miserable and he was so lonely and missed being in a relationship and having someone*
And my favorite line "I have given myself time to grow and mature and get over my shit and I hope you would at least do the same." *in response to my not replying*
A week later .."What do you expect from me, this isn't a relationship anymore".
Is it normal for someone to be this bipolar?? I mean iv'e heard of being confused..but COME ON! He acted as if the previous conversation never happened..Like he was a bit confused as to what I was expecting from him. Makes you wanna pull your hair out!
I read Bluebell's diary and Scott gave a similar warning to her when her ex started texting..oh boy I wish I had been on here earlier to see it and follow it!
I'm pretty sure my ex thinks I'm bluffing this time around but no sir!
On a side note, It has been raining and will continue to rain all week on the eastern coast and it needs to get sunny soon! This weather is starting to make me feel caged in.
I'm impatient, insecure, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. - M.MonroePosted 1 year ago # -
kittykat
offlineInactiveHi MarilynsFan! Welcome to the forum! I haven't really been here to post much of late so this is a little late!
Anger is a normal part of the rainbow of emotions you are going to feel during NC and a painful break-up. One thing that you realise very quickly is that everyone on this forum is on the same rough and ugly heartbreak roller coaster...but things do get better. You may not actually feel that way now (since you are right at the start) but time really will help you and give you strength as long as you put the effort in.
BB was an inspirational story and I am glad that you have taken the advice from it and intend to use it!
Sure, your Ex may feel that you are bluffing...but you are going PROVE that you are not! You are worth more than his confusion and mixed signals! Seems to me that it really doesn't seem like he knows what he wants...he just doesn't want you to vanish from his life. NC is giving him a taste of that and he either wakes up and comes after you...or you will move on so far into a happy future that he is going to be left eating your dust!
It's a winning situation for you! You may feel like you 'lost' your Ex...but the reality is that he 'lost' the glorious love that the fabulous you had the courage to offer him!! What a fool! How many opportunities like that is he going to get? I can tell you that if he was so blind with you...he is definitely not deserving of you because YOU ARE AMAZING! Take care and stay strong!
...the purpose of a doormat is to wipe your feet on it, not love and respect it. – BalthazarPosted 1 year ago # -
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Posted 1 year ago MarilynsFan
offlineMemberThank you KittyKat! I read that you're thinking of reconnecting..Im very excited to read how it goes! Please keep us posted
Ah Ive been through this NC (halfassed versions anyway) for so many months now..at least three :banghead:..it doesn't feel like I just got out of a breakup. The positive thing about this is that I've worked through the initial panic and shock and sadness the first couple of months when we did break up. I guess since I'm used to initiating NC so many times now, these first few weeks seem familiar to me. Almost comforting..is that normal? I think the frustration I'm feeling is also with myself. So much wasted time! I wish I could fast forward to next month so I could finally feel like I'm in new territory. I feel like I'm on an autopilot of something i've experienced before..almost like a movie you're forced to watch over and over again and you just wanna skip it all and get to the part you haven't seen yet.However I am using this time to make a new diet plan. I'm 5 '8 and roughly 120 lbs so I want to gain weight. I've made a "diet" journal where I have written down several protein shakes, breakfast recipes, etc. Just need to buy a blender now and Protein powder! Gym starts on the 31st when summer classes start and I can use the school gym. A bit excited to see how my new body will look
I'm impatient, insecure, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. - M.MonroePosted 1 year ago #-
kittykat
offlineInactive Well at least you know more about NC now and are dealing with the situation in a way that is best for YOU! It's good that you have already worked through the initial shock and and sadness...that is the most traumatic time when we are likely to do stupid things! Now is the time when you can start to move forward and leave the ugliness behind. That familar and comforting feeling is good...I strongly suspect that it means you are doing the right thing to heal...and that you know it!
Yes, we all wish that we could move forward fast and it is very frustrating when that doesn't happen! I was there...and it didn't help me to try to push myself to heal faster. If anything it made me take a heap of steps backward. Don't fall into that trap. There are going to be days when you feel on top of the world...and other days when it all comes crashing down again. Prepare for it. Know that it can happen and understand that you have the strength to ride it out.
Good Luck with the diet! In no time you will have a sexy new body and EVERYONE will be envious of you! I bet you will look AWESOME!
...and wont that just KILL your Ex?!
...the purpose of a doormat is to wipe your feet on it, not love and respect it. – BalthazarPosted 1 year ago # -
Georgeh-1980
offlineMemberYeah, listen to Kitkat.
There is no easy way to get over the pain of a break up. My best advice is to think about what you have that makes you feel good and stick with that. I know how you feel with wanting to skip to the end. Maybe that's what you should be thinking about. The end. When you are happy and can live without him.
It's going to be alot of ups and downs. You'll be happy one moment and sad the next. I usually think of what I am good at and how I have helped people so far. This makes me feel like I am worth something to someone and it definitly gets me out of that bad feeling part.
And I am with you on the diet thing. I need to gain more weight to. I was 125lbs when I got dumped and now I am back to the normal 140 lbs I was beforehand. I gained it all back the first month and I didn't have to do a thing differently. I guess I was stressed.
Take care!
Posted 1 year ago # -
MarilynsFan
offlineMemberThank you Georgeh and KittyKat
I may have found a new hobby to focus on..... extreme couponing
I need all that food so i might as well get it..for FREE
I'm impatient, insecure, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. - M.MonroePosted 1 year ago # -
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Posted 1 year ago MarilynsFan
offlineMemberOne issue I had with my ex was how he never initiated anything with me. :banghead:No efforts to really see me or talk to me until I would talk to him or make plans with him. At first I din't really mind because he was never rude to me or blew me off. In fact when approached, he would give you 100% of his attention. He was just the type that was used to only interacting with people if they came up to him. During the course of our friendship and relationship, I was the one mostly doing the messaging, asking to hang out, etc. Rarely him. It would say about 85%-15% split.
The reason I'm writing this is..one thing I have yet to figure out. Do i really CARE if he initiates anything. I'm starting to think I wouldn't have really minded him being so passive if I knew it was a part of his personality but I always worried it was a sign he had stopped caring about me. So the big question is..
Am I willing to sacrifice this "effort" from him as long as it means I get to be with him.....or am i looking at the big picture now and realizing it wasn't that big of a deal and that it shouldn't have upset me as much as it did to cause a breakup.
Has anyone dealt with this type of problem? This was my first relationship and I guess a big part of NC for me is figuring out what it is I want in a relationship and what is neceessary...and what I can do without.
Something I'll have to figure out in the next few weeks i guess!
I'm impatient, insecure, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. - M.MonroePosted 1 year ago #-
Georgeh-1980
offlineMemberSpeaking froma male point of view. Here's the deal with that.
I never liked making plans while I was in the relationship. Most of the time I felt it was just good to be together and not have to worry about what we were going to be doing at the time. It felt good to not have to think about things too much either.
Don't look at it as a sign of not caring. It's more of a sign of being comfortable with someone. If you had pressured him to make plans then that would definitly stress him out. It did for me. It's almost as good as pushing him away. My ex would yell at me and demand I make plans for the weekend when all I really wanted to do was rest. This pissed me off alot and it's no wonder why we broke up in the first place. And when I did make plans she never wanted to do what I suggested we do. Go figure.
Me and my ex were in our first serious relationship to. We both made mistakes and it's a part of learning I guess. You will know what you want and what to expect from your next relationship. Real love means not having to be pressured to do anything. Remember that.
Take care!
Posted 1 year ago # -
MarilynsFan said:
One issue I had with my ex was how he never initiated anything with me. :banghead:No efforts to really see me or talk to me until I would talk to him or make plans with him. At first I din't really mind because he was never rude to me or blew me off. In fact when approached, he would give you 100% of his attention. He was just the type that was used to only interacting with people if they came up to him. During the course of our friendship and relationship, I was the one mostly doing the messaging, asking to hang out, etc. Rarely him. It would say about 85%-15% split.I have a question...did you ever discuss this with him, and let him know how you felt?
Women seem to think men are mind readers.
It's a Myth.
Talk with your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife.
Communication, along with honesty are the cornerstones of a great relationship.
Just some food for thought for your next relationship.
Right now focus on getting your life back.
Stay Strong and Positive!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
Learn How to Create The Destiny of Your Choice
FREE Step-by-Step BREAK UP SURVIVAL PLANPosted 1 year ago # -
MarilynsFan
offlineMemberadmin said:
I have a question...did you ever discuss this with him, and let him know how you felt?
Discuss? No...more so along the lines of nag and whine and then get mad he didn't come up with an idea on his own
Ridiculous..I know. I did express wanting to see him more but looking back, I should've done it in a more serious manner instead of saying it in passing when I felt frustrated. 
Just a random thought..
If a couple met on howtokicklovesass.com and broke up, would they each have their own NC diaries on here. Better yet, If one already came on the site and started their NC diary, and a couple weeks later their ex shows up starting their own diary..How would Scott moderate such an incident And an even funnier thought..If Scott had to break up with someone in the future, would he send the NC message word for word and start his own Diary Excuse me for the off rant folks, it's been the fifth consecutive day of non stop rain and I've developed a sense of humor about this whole NC process...not to say that I don't take it seriously!
I'm impatient, insecure, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. - M.MonroePosted 1 year ago # -
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Posted 12 months ago MarilynsFan
offlineMemberNC Week 1: ACCOMPLISHED
NC Week 2: TO DO
Buy Blender + Protein Powder ...must gain 2 pounds!
Transform my little office back into a closet..Should be a workout
Start Quantum K Healing ...excited to see the changesSome lyrics to remember :
THE WRECKERS - Cigarettes
'Cause someday maybe
Somebody will love me like I need
And someday I won't have to prove
'Cause somebody will see
all my worth but until then
I'll do just fine on my own
With my cigarettes
And this old dirt roadSee I left another
Good man tonight
I wonder if he'll miss me
Lord knows I triedBut I think that maybe
The thing that I did wrong
Was put up with his bullshit
For far too longI'm impatient, insecure, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. - M.MonroePosted 12 months ago #-
MarilynsFan
offlineMemberIt is AMAZING how each breakup story is unique and yet..so predictable. Even though I have broken NC so many times, the lessons I pick up each time are invaluable! Scott I have to give you credit, you have the patience of a monk. I know it may not seem like it to us at times when we see you ban people but I couldn't do what you're doing. I would last maybe three days before taking a bat to my computer. Anyway there is a reason why I'm saying all this..tonight, it's like a light has lit up in my break. Breakups actually MAKE SENSE. A lot of the time, we go around thinking our situations are so unique and no one knows what it's like but us. But lemme tell you the story of my friend and I. Basically what she is experiencing, already happened to me and I feel like I'm watching myself when I see what she's doing..and I could just kick myself for being so stupid/weak sometimes but at the same time, I have learned so much from it!
My friends story goes like this:
Ex wasn't sure if he wanted to be with her, family pressured him to marry someone they picked out for him. So the struggle ensues for months where he pulls away and she chases after him (calls every night, morning, if he doesn't pick up..calls 20 times, etc. its horrible to watch). The final blow out came when he wouldn't talk to her and she called and heard a voice in the background. A girl's voice. So she KEEPS calling and finally the girl picks up and tells her to stop calling and that he was her man now and if she wants to fight, they can do that. (Except it was a lot more crude). My friend keeps trying to call her phone and he texts her "it's done, its been done. I cant, won't and dont wanna talk to you. Bye". My friend sends him a long emotional text message about how angry she is and good riddance, yadda yadda! ...Fast forward four weeks, he calls her once at three in the morning and doesn't leave a message. I spent THE ENTIRE DAY..and i Literally mean, the entire day..convincing her to not call him back. Well a week later he shows up at her work begging to talk to her, then leaves and keeps calling and texting her. I spend yet another day telling her to not respond. This is the guy that cheated and humiliated her and by responding, all she would teach him is that he can do shit like that but come back whenever he pleases and beg and apologize...and everything is ok again.Now my frustration is, I spent sooooooooo much time not only telling her how to handle the situation but WHY she should listen. She nodded and agreed and then the next day, today..I found out she responded to him. I'm guessing he gave her a speech of how much he loved her, can't be with her, he made a mistake. And the girl tht he was with..they're taking a "break". He's spent the whole day talking to her and tells her not to fall asleep cuz he wants to keep talking to her. Evidently, he told her this isn't him trying to get her back but he wants to be friends. Apparently, they both poured their hearts out.
Now if this seems like a success story to anyone, it's not to me. I'm quite angry at my friend who gave me the advice all along to "play hard to get, don't give in, make him work for it" and then she did the exact opposite. Hypocrite comes to mind.
I thought of how Scott feels when he spends so much time convincing us of the right thing to do, and we come back and do the exact opposite and then worse..lie to ourselves about it.
It is soooooooooo frust
I'm impatient, insecure, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. - M.MonroePosted 12 months ago # -
MarilynsFan
offlineMemberMy comment cut off but to finish..
It is sooooooooo frustrating when you see someone lying to themselves and they try to convince you it's the right thing to do also. Just a few days ago, she was crying to me about how much she missed and loved him. Now she's giving me a speech about how she likes this whole "friendship" arrangement and how he's more open with her and he's talking to her.
It made me wonder, how do people outside of the forum successfully get back together. I'm assuming they don't come across terms like "premature reconciliation". And what my friend is doing...SCREAMS premature reconciliation. Which I am guilty off too and I remember giving the same speech of how i Liked being friends..(yea right). Do they just instinctively know not to give in too much until they're confident of a commitment?
I'm interested to see how this develops and the two routes we're taking . Mine and her breakup have similar time lines.. I had to deal with this situation a few weeks ago before signing up. She's choosing the friendship route (What she did for a month wasn't NC, I don't count it anyway..he told her to fuck off and she did..until he came back to her and just had to spend a day being persistent for her to welcome him back)..I've chosen the NC route.
I can't help but think, deep down, he must not have any respect for her. He knows he messed up pretty bad, it seems like he needed to be taught a lesson and the only lesson he learned is...no matter how badly he fucks up (and i don't think he could've done much worse) he can sweet talk his way back.
If the real world had a ban button, I would ban her..for the night anyway
It's true what they say, hindsight is 20/20 and boy do i see how stupid I was acting..if only I could stop her from doing the same!
I'm impatient, insecure, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. - M.MonroePosted 12 months ago # -
Insideout25
offlineMemberHey strong girl!
I love your post! I can't believe she took the worst option ever!!!! You are right, sometimes we need to see someone else in the same situation to realise the errors of our own ways.You sound like you are making some real progress with yourself which is great
Posted 12 months ago # -
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Posted 12 months ago Janice
offlineInactiveMarilynsFan said:
It made me wonder, how do people outside of the forum successfully get back together. I'm assuming they don't come across terms like "premature reconciliation". And what my friend is doing...SCREAMS premature reconciliation. Which I am guilty off too and I remember giving the same speech of how i Liked being friends..(yea right). Do they just instinctively know not to give in too much until they're confident of a commitment?
Or they're like me - extremely prideful, very arrogant people who REFUSE to beg for anything to anyone and would rather gouge out their own eyeballs - ie. they're able to suffer in silence. I've had friends who just assumed that I didn't really care that much, or I didn't have very strong feelings, or I'm a very cold person when they see the way I act but actually I just keep my emotions bottled up and refuse to give people the pleasure of seeing me down. I am all about no contact - friends, family, boyfriends - I have gone for years and years without speaking to people in every category because they hurt me in some way. And then when the other person comes back begging I think to myself "yeah, right... I know your game. You expect me to give you another chance. I don't think so..." which is something I learned through experience at a pretty young age.
I had one ex turn into a stalker, leading me to go to the police to ask for a restraining order by acting like this. He said he'd rather be gay than date me, I went no contact on him, he came back and begged for months but I refused, he started stalking me, I left the country and came back later, he found me immediately and never gave up... It got ugly. But I wasn't consciously doing no contact. I was just pissed at him and humiliated by the way he acted right before we broke up and swore I'd never, ever give him another chance to make a fool of me. And I never did.
I've had other ex boyfriends reappear and try again, even disappear again and reappear again over a period of years trying to win me back but I refused because I've long held a core belief that people don't really change. If they've done it once, they're capable of doing it again given the right circumstances. They might not do it again if I keep them in check, but I don't have time for that and don't want someone who's morality or temperment lets them cheat on me, or steal from me, or sling verbal abuse at me, so people who hurt me don't get second chances. Period. Which is why I don't have Facebook or any online presence - I'm hiding from my stalkers. I'm starting to think that this must be a side effect of my inherent pride and aloof behavior; It does something weird to people.
My real question when I read people's no contact diaries is why so many people want back someone who cheated on them, or was abusive, or disrespected them in any way. I don't get it. I can differentiate between my feelings and what's good for me. I know how to ride my feelings out until they go away and then move on. This is the first time I've ever considered taking back an ex and it's only because he didn't screw up badly enough. He never actually did anything concrete to piss me off, except act too aloof and nonchalant about our relationship. I dumped him during a temper tantrum, he went no contact, and then I got confused.... sound familiar?
Lately this forum has made me think about the concept of evolution and whether or not people can really "change" in a significant enough way that would make me take back someone who cheated on me for example. I don't know. It just seems easier to start over with someone new. I'm not even sure if I really want my own ex back or if that inherent pride of mine just kicked into overdrive when I got a taste of my own medicine. Maybe I've never really been in love then. But I just don't think I'm capable of loving someone who doesn't "earn it," as bad as that might sound. They really have to show me they're worth it.
But I've read those break up books and I think if an ex went out of their way to show me they'd changed in a significant way - not just cutting their hair and then trying to make me jealous with some other chick, I might be persuaded. It would be really hard. They'd have to do it just like the books say - disappear long enough to make the idea of them having changed believable, approach indirectly and don't act like they want to get back together, show a real change through their behavior and actions over a period of time, and then start courting from scratch. I think that would probably work on me.
Posted 12 months ago #-
kittykat
offlineInactiveI can already tell you who is going to win the war...YOU ARE! You are the strong one and you can already see it!
Good luck with the weight gain! I like your idea of extreme couponing! I love it! Pity we don't really have that in Oz!
Just remember that NC is the only way that you will find out what you are really capable of. While your friend is accepting the crumbs her ex has thrown her...you are going to be turning yourself into a star worthy of everyone's attention...including your Ex's. You have already shown him that you won't settle for anything less that what you deserve...and you don't deserve crumbs...YOU DESERVE THE WHOLE CAKE!!!!
What's been happening in your world? Let us know how you are going! We want to know!
Stay strong and be positive!
...the purpose of a doormat is to wipe your feet on it, not love and respect it. – BalthazarPosted 11 months ago # -
MarilynsFan
offlineMemberOr they're like me - extremely prideful, very arrogant people who REFUSE to beg for anything to anyone and would rather gouge out their own eyeballs
Lol I know what you mean Janice. Oddly enough, I used to be and still am this kind of person.
With everyone BUT my ex, I've always had the mentality of once I have any type of quarrel with someone, I have so much pride, I will immediately write that person off than ever think of apologizing.
It's a bad quality that I'm trying to overcome. I have to find a balance between forgiveness, being a pushover and truly knowing when some people just don't deserve to be in my life.
This entire ordeal with my ex has been the only situation where I've had to swallow my pride and beg and chase. I've only begged once but boy did I keep on chasing! Everytime he would show a positive sign and i'd come back with "so are we getting back together?"
A guy before my ex, I never dated him but we were best friends for close to four years and I finally got tired of his second rate treatment of me..and I told him bye! I blocked him for a MONTH . Even tho I was still very much in love with him, I had too much pride to unblock him. A month later he invited himself to a lunch I had with some mutual friends and that's how we made contact.
I tell this story because it's amazing to me. Blocking my ex and not talking to him for a even few weeks seemed like the most difficult thing to me and it's still very hard and I had forgotten my own inner strength..or rather stubbornness! I forgot how I stood up to that "friend", how I had let a month go by not even thinking twice, I forgot I had it in me to do NC for so long!
While your friend is accepting the crumbs her ex has thrown her...you are going to be turning yourself into a star worthy of everyone's attention...including your Ex's. You have already shown him that you won't settle for anything less that what you deserve...and you don't deserve crumbs...YOU DESERVE THE WHOLE CAKE!!!!
It's the most ironic thing KittyKat, her ex is chasing after her non-stop. I really don't know what to make of it other than he didn't like the girl he left her for and misses her too much. She keeps telling him she's scared to give in but she will still talk to him with every attempt he makes and is super nice to him. *Shrug* Time will tell..if it works I'll be amazed. I still think he got off too easy...she says she's not giving in so quick yet he gets to talk to her whenever he pleases and take her out on dates. IDK, the world of dating just goes over my head!
She had him call all her close friends and apologize to us for him treating our friend so badly. So I think it's a step in the right direction! It shows he's making an effort and is serious.
The ironic part is, I will be double dating with them.
When he was on the phone with me and her, he offered to set me up with one of his friends. And If I didn't like him..he'd find me ANOTHER date. I'm starting to like her ex and I feel guilty. 
Scott, what would you make of their reunion? It seems to go against my better judgement and your advice so I'm wondering what you make of this.
As far as the ex, haven't heard from him. I've cut contact with all mutual friends this time around, mainly his close friend whom I found out was sending all the information back to my ex. This time around, no news feed drip..no sir! Complete and total NC
I'm going to do a Pros and Con list tonight. I did this once before but I feel I need to do it again. I think I've gained a much more un-biased perspective than the first time.
What my friend keeps telling me is throwing me off. I know I made the right decision by cutting contact. My ex and I never "dated". We were just really close friends that just transitioned into bf/gf.
In short, we went from friends..to talking about how he was developing feelings for me..to which I agreed...we kissed..and he went around calling me his gf. We would still hang out as before..it was never really "going on dates" for me. Just a natural transition towards a more committed relationship.
Neither He nor I know how to really do the whole dating spiel. If I reconnect, it would certainly be new territory for me and him both.
Last thing I remember him telling me is, he was scared to jump back into a relationship. This little voice in the back of my head keeps saying..maybe if I stayed friends, he would have gotten more comfortable and it wouldve naturally transitioned into a relationship again. But then I remember how he told me he wanted to be my big brother and its...
again hehe I know I made the right decision. He wasn't enthusiastic when he came back. Despite his pretty words, he was all talk and no action!
I'm impatient, insecure, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. - M.MonroePosted 11 months ago # -
MarilynsFan
offlineMemberI've decided to post my pro/con list on here ..maybe get some input from other people who have experience with relationships and how they've dealt with hopefully similar problems. As I've said before..this was my first relationship AND first breakup so I'm still learning
Pro:
- There was tremendous support. Whenever I had any troubles or obstacles, he would do anything and everything to help. Always helped motivate me towards solutions as I am naturally very cynical.
- Availability. I always had someone to talk to any minute of the day. Very responsive to my messages/requests to talk.
-Similar interest in activities. We were both home-bound so we bonded over simple stuff like watching movies together, tv shows, on-line games, chat etc.
-He had an interest in my culture and history when usually men I've encountered would brush it off. Examples: I could send him songs and he'd be interested and ask for translations, ask me to elaborate on the history of my country/area, etc. I really liked this aspect of his personality..sometimes I still consider myself a foreigner so it was nice to have someone American still be so interested.
- He loved to workout which motivated me to join him and do the same! I gained 25 lbs going to the gym with him.
- Open-mindedness. We were both the same religion but he practiced it more and was more knowledgeable. However he was respectful and not pushy which made me respect him more.
Cons:
- My family did not approve of him. My mother downright forbid me to see him (She is very traditional). This put a lot of stress on me and our relationship. I had constant pressure to test him and make sure he was worth it.
- We had two very different maturity levels. In the words of my ex "I'm a ten year old in a 20 year old man's body". I tried to make him grow up faster than he was capable of.
1. He still watched anime/played video games - This didn't really bother me but looking
back, it shows how we were focused on very different things.
2. Still had to abide by his dad's rules. Like sometimes his internet would get cut off because it was "bed time" (I thought it was ridiculous! I would always push him to stand up to his father). He would always need permission to stay extra days on campus. Again..I had to push him because he preferred not to deal with the drama with his father.- He had a very weak self image. Would make up some very serious stories just to impress people. It led to trust being broken altho oddly enough, he never cheated so I somehow kept hoping he would change.
- As I've stated earlier, I come from a different culture. Mainly a European one. I was raised in a different world where appearances are important. He dressed like a 16 year old punk and although I never really brought this up as a serious issue, deep down I secretly wanted to burn all his wardrobe!
- He would pretend to know things he had no clue about! I'm a very stubborn person so I could sit there and argue with him for HOURS. It bothered me when he couldn't admit when he was wrong. You literally almost had to beat it out of him.
- I had a very bad temper ..and when combined with his passiveness ,, it equaled a recipe for disaster. I'm all action action action ..and he's just go with the flow. Very irritating when you want to get something accomplished!
- He always made me feel guilty for not being supportive of his dream. He's very good at guitar so he wanted to become a musician and quit school (Everytime he'd fail a class, I'd push him to not give up..even tho even his teachers would encourage him to switch majors). Thing is, I could very well be risking my family to be with him and I just can't have him quit school to pursue something that might not work out. I needed to secure a future for both of us. We both have families that we need to support after we graduate and I'm studying a major I'm not very excited about either but sometimes you gotta make sacrifices!
- He's handled the breakup very immaturely. To put it shortly, I feel like I've made one mistake to hurt him...and he's taken the liberty to use me as a punching bag for the past four months over and over again because he can't seem to get over the hurt. Enough is enough. At some point I've gotta wonder how can he love me and yet be so selfish as to only thing of his feelings. I am convinced he cannot see outside his own pain and fears to see how this is affecting me. It's evident by his repeated coming and going.
Conclusion: It's about even.
But I'm starting to see the main thing that bonded us was availability. Once that was gone..everything else crumbled. I think I might be slightly codependent
...and when I had the availability taken away, I lashed out. Ah this list thing is so helpful! I know people put this stuff in their journals usually but I would like to get outsider input as well seeing as how I'm still slightly biased when looking at this.
I'm impatient, insecure, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. - M.MonroePosted 11 months ago # -
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Posted 11 months ago Donkey
offlineInactiveIve watched some poor bugger struggle to maintain NC for ages then find a hopeless and pitiful excuse to prematurely contact their ex and get smacked down by them and ended up distraught, their hard work and persistence wasted,
You mean me Donkey? jk
Ha ha! Well, actually I was mostly thinking of some other NC diaries I`d read, and when I saw a post starting "I made a huge mistake last night while desperate....". You know how compulsive that reading is, and how you shout "NO!!" out loud?
I have done that begging, crying, pleading, making deals and generally pouring my self-respect onto a previous exs carpet, and I know only too well how horrible it feels. It has never succeeded, so theres no point in it. However, the mystery and control of NC has succeeded for me previously, even though I caved in at the first call she made asking to reconsider. Also by going NC we preserve our self-respect. There is no way anyone is going to swipe that from under my nose again!I
m beginning to wonder if it might be a good idea if this forum included a dating section, because if I was actively looking for a decent person to have a romance with I cant think of a better group of individuals to talk to. The people here are magic, and if my ex hadn`t given me the heave-ho I would never have met you all.Take care and stay strong dear MarilynsFan!
Fan the flames of desire with the bellows of indifference.Posted 11 months ago #-
MarilynsFan
offlineMemberThank you Donkey!
Im beginning to wonder if it might be a good idea if this forum included a dating section, because if I was actively looking for a decent person to have a romance with I cant think of a better group of individuals to talk to.
I had the same thought until I realized we would all end up rebounds for eachother
On another note..
NC WEEK 2: DONE
Not sure how I feel. The initial adrenaline of kicking his ass to the curb has worn off but I expected that to happen. Things remain quiet on both sides. I've been out with friends the last couple days and it's been a lot of fun. Although I can't quite seem to get over this hump where any fun activity I do..I still have the urge to tell my ex about it, or anything cool I come across..to let him know about it.
As far as a future reunion, although I know it's too far ahead to even think about.I don't know that I would want a reconnection. So far, it feels like I'm fighting this "war" for our relationship for the both of us..doing the work of two people while he gets to go on living his life. Once again, me giving 99% and him..barely 1%. This old relationship needs to die.
It's important not to let NC become a manipulating tool for him to contact me but gosh it's do darn tempting to think of it that way!
In any case, one thing that I am sure about is that NC does NOT make you forget them. So none of us should feel guilty for walking away and refusing to be used.“Absence does to love what wind does to fire, it extinguishes the small, and enflames the great.
I'm impatient, insecure, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. - M.MonroePosted 11 months ago # -
kittykat
offlineInactiveCONGRATULATIONS on 2 weeks of NC!
It's always hard the very first few weeks. The confusion can be quite a head job! I agree with you about not knowing how you feel about reconnection. I felt the same way. Give it more time and your path will become clearer to you! I still have the urge to tell my ex some of the cool things that I've done and the stuff I've seen...and it's been over 4 months!
I like to think of it as an addiction that I get relapses in every now and then. It's no where near as bad as it was in the start though so there is hope for me yet!! Yes! The old relationship must die...and it's death throws are an agony for us all! That feeling that you have about giving 99% and fighting a war for the relationship...it's a feeling like pushing a rock up hill isn't it? I used to feel the same way until I realised that he really wasn't there fighting by my side and there was nothing left to fight for. He'd put it to the sword long ago and the only thing that I could do was accept that and move on. I think that you are going to start feeling the same thing soon...because I can see it in your posts!
Your evolution is going really well. It's painful but I know that you will get there. You're a bright spark and there was no way that your Ex could extinguish that! You just need to fan your flames a little!
NC is the way to do that and limit the confusion. Stay strong and be positive! You're doing great! Keep going!
...the purpose of a doormat is to wipe your feet on it, not love and respect it. – BalthazarPosted 11 months ago # -
Georgeh-1980
offlineMemberMarilynsFan said:
This old relationship needs to dieIt's time to kill the fucker, bury it, and get on with improving your life.
I know how you feel about letting the ex know all the good things happening but to be honest, you need to create this mystery for him. This will bring his curiosity up and he'll be wondering what you are really up to. Don't spoil the mystery by revealing yourself to him. Let him wonder for awhile about you. Give it time.
And what are you up to? Hopefully you are making improvements to yourself so that when you do start your next relationship you are at your best. If you get back together with the ex you will be at your best right? If you don't get back together with the ex you will still be at your best. Either way you will win. Get the picture?
It's a rough road but I know you will get there as long as you stick to being the best you can be for whoever walks into your life.
Take care!!!
Posted 11 months ago # -
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Posted 11 months ago MarilynsFan
offlineMemberThanks KittyKat and Georgeh! Your words are always inspiring and I truly appreciate them!
And what are you up to? Hopefully you are making improvements to yourself so that when you do start your next relationship you are at your best.
Damn right, I gained five pounds in my first week..
Hopefully I can gain about three more pounds this upcoming week.
That feeling that you have about giving 99% and fighting a war for the relationship...it's a feeling like pushing a rock up hill isn't it?
Yesss and sometimes I wish my ex was standing behind me so I could let the rock go and it could squish him
I'm impatient, insecure, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. - M.MonroePosted 11 months ago #-
MarilynsFan
offlineMemberI saw my ex today. I know in the momu it says you don't have to hide or avoid the person, just be polite when you see them. Well, I went out of my way to avoid running into him
I just feel more comfortable if we don't meet face to face for a while, even in passing. Thing is we go to the same school and use the same gym but I've made it a point to use the gym at a time when I know he's in class so I won't be running into him. Anyway, it felt weird seeing him from a distance. (He didn't see me..nor did I see his face). I just saw him walking to his car. It felt weird, I didn't get a rush of feelings. It felt more like seeing an old friend from a long time ago..or a stranger whose life story you somehow knew. Idk if I felt this way just cuz I only got to see the back of his head walking
. He looked miserable. Idk if it was because he came out of Calc but he was walking really slow, slouching and looking at the ground.
It's so weird to think at one time we were so close, and now we're like ghosts to eachother. But I'm glad I didn't find myself filled with too much excitement or anxiety. I felt sort of..empty..just like an observer.
I'm impatient, insecure, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. - M.MonroePosted 11 months ago # -
kittykat
offlineInactiveWow! Reading your post was like a snap-shot of my own life!
I work with my Ex in the same building and I face the knowledge that I could run into him at any point through the day. I changed a lot of my habits too!
I didn't post this on the forum but George knew...as the drama with Fighter Pilot was unfolding and I had just initiated NC with him ...I ran into my Ex for the first time properly in over 4 months! Yep!
You could call it 'first contact'!!! 
I was laughing and joking around with someone in the lift when the doors opened and I was face to face with my Ex. Thank Goodness that I was looking good, smiling and happy!!
On the other hand - He didn't look happy. He had let himself go...and he was walking slow, slouching and after he saw me...looking at the ground as he made his way out of the building. We didn't acknowledge each other...and I actively avoided him by turning round and going back into the building. He would have known that I avoided him but I wasn't in the right frame of mind to face him. Anyway...he saw me and he saw me looking happy. That would have made him think of me...and now he gets to wonder why I didn't acknowledge him. I really just felt that the seed has now been planted and I'll see if anything grows. It doesn't affect my life or evolution in one way or another.But my point is that I know how you feel about being more comfortable about maintaining NC right now. You do need to be ready before you take that final step of reconnection. If it is meant to be...it will be. I also went through that strange feeling of being ghosts to each other when you were once so close. Not acknowledging my Ex on that Friday night was so strange since there was a time when all we would have done was lock eyes and smile at each other. I like to believe that he has now denied himself access to the joy I offer...and he's kicking himself for it!!
Trust me... if your Ex cared about you...being without you is hurting him. Stay strong and be positive! PM me anytime!
...the purpose of a doormat is to wipe your feet on it, not love and respect it. – BalthazarPosted 11 months ago # -
MarilynsFan
offlineMemberI've been thinking about things that lead to our breakup. Other than the things posted in my pros/cons list..the relationship stopped being fun. Something that KittyKat said to me that stuck in my mind was..he probably has a very different perspective of the relationship than I do. I never had to experience the relationship from his perspective. I didn't have someone yelling at me all the time, expressing constant disappointment in me, not being happy with the things I did, the friends I had, the way I handled situations, constantly giving me silent treatments. Frankly I don't blame him!
The thing I'm starting to realize is... I definitely had the upper hand in my relationship and I abused it. I never intentionally set out to be controlling or make him feel inferior. I honestly thought I was trying to help him..better him..make him grow up..I wanted to turn him into..me
Yuck It's amazing how in the beginning I was bending over backwards begging for his forgiveness and understanding because I felt so guilty but it's really a two way street! I cannot continue to keep making excuses for him.
I don't want that old relationship back. I don't want to date someone I have to raise from the ground up. I need the other person to meet me halfway. Not someone who brushes off his wrongdoings as a simple unfortunate consequence of something else!
I'm impatient, insecure, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. - M.MonroePosted 11 months ago # -
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Posted 11 months ago Georgeh-1980
offlineMemberMarilynsFan said:
I honestly thought I was trying to help him..better him..make him grow up..I wanted to turn him into..me YuckYa know I think I was that way with my ex as well. I tried to help her and I think by doing that it only made things worse.
You can't change a person. They are who they are and you are who you are. All you can really do is be the best you can and hope they follow your lead.
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink right?
Posted 11 months ago #-
kittykat
offlineInactiveMarilynsFan said:
The thing I'm starting to realize is... I definitely had the upper hand in my relationship and I abused it. I never intentionally set out to be controlling or make him feel inferior. I honestly thought I was trying to help him..better him..make him grow up..I wanted to turn him into..me! Yuck
It's amazing how in the beginning I was bending over backwards begging for his forgiveness and understanding because I felt so guilty but it's really a two way street! I cannot continue to keep making excuses for him.
That's right!
You are starting to see the light hon! I'm glad that you can see where you may have gone wrong in the relationship...but ALSO know that it wasn't all your fault. He played a huge part in the break-up! You may not see it yet...but you didn't nag at him for no reason. He wasn't making you happy. And it sounds like he didn't actually try very hard either. The blame for lack of communication and sharing in your relationship is not all YOURS!!! Geez! There are two people in the relationship and he had just as much responsibility to communicate and share with you as you did! You are VERY RIGHT! Relationships are a two way street and you must STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM! Georgeh-1980 said:
You can't change a person. They are who they are and you are who you are. All you can really do is be the best you can and hope they follow your lead.
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink right?
Completely with Goerge too! So many of us come here and torture ourselves over what more we could have done to make it work...or how bad we were or what we did wrong! We need to stop that! It's pointless. Sure...we ALL did things wrong but so did our partners! We can only strive to be the best we can be and find someone that appreciates us for who we are and makes us even more determined to become better people! I never stopped trying to make myself a better person not even when I was with my Ex...and you know what? I think that is the way it should ALWAYS be! Stay strong and be positive! You just got 1000 steps closer to finding a bright and happy future! I so proud of you MarilynsFan!
...the purpose of a doormat is to wipe your feet on it, not love and respect it. – BalthazarPosted 11 months ago # -
ferina
offlineMemberI'm impatient, insecure, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. - M.Monroe
I love your signature MarilynsFan's, it is a fact.
“Knowledge is the most democratic source of power.” Alvin TofflerPosted 11 months ago # -
MarilynsFan
offlineMemberThanks Ferina..I like to think of it this way.
They dumped us..why should we reward THEM with an even BETTER version of ourselves .
I'm impatient, insecure, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. - M.MonroePosted 11 months ago # -
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Posted 11 months ago -
Donkey
offlineInactiveCongratulations MarilynsFan!
How are you feeling these days? Any softening on whether you`ll be prepared to consider sharing your new improved self with the ex or are you still of a mind to look to pastures new?
Fan the flames of desire with the bellows of indifference.Posted 11 months ago # -
MarilynsFan
offlineMemberNot a chance in hell Donkey
I've done enough chasing to last me a lifetime. This is the longest me and him have gone without speaking. One of us would usually crack around the three week mark..but we officially reached three weeks. As far as reconnection... I only have this to say..
haha My whole problem with him was that he never made any effort...no chance..no chance..
And I'm also not done sculpting the new me..slow but steady
I'm impatient, insecure, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. - M.MonroePosted 11 months ago # -
MarilynsFan
offlineMemberFor anyone keeping track, I'm happy to report a 2 pound weight gain
I think the realization that things are over is starting to set in. I blocked my ex from the last venue I had with him. It's kind of bittersweet. I feel like a fool for letting it drag on for that long..I had so many chances to take control of the situation and I blew it. I gave in each and every time. Made it harder on myself and easier on him to move on.
Ah regrets, I've had a few
I urge all members to please please please stick to NC the first time! You will be so proud of yourself!
I'm impatient, insecure, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. - M.MonroePosted 11 months ago #
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