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thx gls!
hope u r doing well too!
hi scott, just read the topic new year resolution 2011,
you said your resolution was:
Grow my nose hair and try to get into the Guinness book of world records. Although I don't think I will ever beat my 6th grade math teacher. And he wondered why no students ever asked him to come to their desk for help.
wow did you really do that hahaha!
hey i just read this too, u said to wisegirl :
Exactly WG! (Thumbs High)
This is not a game, they really need to dig deep, and come to grips with their "true" feelings for you.
The holidays have a knack for doing just that...digging up old memories and feelings.
And when they spend time alone with these feelings they start to evolve like never before.
If they call and find you waiting...they might stop reflecting and say...they are still waiting...no worries.
But if you're not there, and busy, they have to realize that you have gotten on with your life.
Now...this is where everyone panics.
They will think I have moved on and, I have driven them away...Forever!
Why do people love drama so much?
And do you notice it is always "forever" not just a week or a couple months...FOREVER!
If you're going to be dramatic why not think like this...
They are digging deep and missing me, their true feelings are emerging and they are starting to realize how much they love me...I am winning them back...Forever!
This is the attitude and mindset that moves fucking mountains.
Isn't love all about moving mountains?
Don't pretend to know more about your ex than you really do...keep the faith.
MY QUESTION: it was two years ago, do you think it is still okay to think like that? i mean the:
"If you're going to be dramatic why not think like this...
They are digging deep and missing me, their true feelings are emerging and they are starting to realize how much they love me...I am winning them back...Forever!"
is it against the LOA that cant be used to a person?
( is it okay to ask you about your statement 2 years ago because you have gained new perspectives maybe, if not, i wont ask like that anymore )
thx scott!
lunapearl said:
is it okay to ask you about your statement 2 years ago because you have gained new perspectives maybe
Like I said before, I now believe it is much more productive to focus on getting your life back, not your ex.
The LOA works against you if you don't.
You have to make yourself happy and live in a positive state in-order to attract more good things, like true love.
If you focus your energy on waiting for someone to change in your favor, you're wasting your time and energy.
Get your life back, become happy on your own, forget about your ex coming back, and let them sort themselves out.
You don't know what is best for other people.
Focus on just being grateful/thankful for what you have NOW, and learn to live in the present.
Focus on making everyday the best it can be.
You will learn after a while that wondering about your ex is a complete waste of time, it won't get you what you really want, why?
You're focusing on one person, not on being happy.
A person that doesn't want to be with you, save that energy for someone who does want to be with you and will reciprocate your love.
Everyone wants to be loved and to be happy.
You are not going to be happy until you focus on being happy without your ex.
Stay Strong and Positive!
lunapearl said:
wow did you really do that hahaha!
No, I was just kidding.
Instead of growing nose hair, I completely stopped drinking alcohol for 8 months, it was more productive.
ha i thought that you really did the nose hair thing
my astrology today
Flashes of insight and inspiration may not be as reliable today. Avoid acting on impulse right now. Hold back until you are sure that your actions will have the desired effect. You may have sudden insights about your spiritual beliefs or religious background today.
hmmm i wonder what it means
lunapearl, since you've mentioned other relationship books, I thought you might find The 5 Love Languages interesting. There is an online questionnaire to take to figure out yours. Also, StrengthsFinder is also an interesting book and it has a key code for an online questionnaire for you to see what your top 5 strengths are. You have to purchase the book to take the questionnaire for the StrengthsFinder, but the 5 love languages is available online. We did both of these in my divorce recovery workshop, among others.
thanks willsucceed! i love reading books! have you read those books too? lets discuss them sometime, i actually have questions when reading books.
i am entering the beginning of 2nd month of NC!
wow time flies! and it does heal me day by day!
I don't plan for long achievement, I just take it one day at a time.
maybe my weekly goals help me through my days.
now i want to do my activities and keep busy again.
stay strong everyone!
Hey Luna! You are sounding positive! Perfect! I too am entering like 7 weeks of NC. I've lost count actually. I stopped counting coz it wasn't needed to remind me of my singleshood, which is turning out to be quite an enriching process of self discovery.:-)
Did you manage to check out the book I sent you via private messaging? It really kicks me up and helps me alot to release negative thoughts when it sweeps through (which is not much lately except for the days whenI was sick).
hi sam!
i dont have the book yet but i read the review on internet!
yesterday i went to my campus to attend the announcement of who graduated and who didnt, me and other 150 friends in a big room, the announcer would call our names one by one and give the paper saying if we graduated or not, they said that only 10 of 150 graduated that time, yes they were really strict determining who graduated,
God my heart was racing waiting for my name to be called, when i took the paper i didnt immediately open it, i went back to my seat and took a deep breath and there, i opened it.
i did it! wow i graduated already!! i was really happy and said thank you hundreds time, in my heart of course ( they didnt allow any voice there )
i was so happy and i was really contented!
my parents would be proud of me! and im proud of myself too,
because all this week i had been trying to think positives only and there, i received more positive things in my life!
my friend gave me a souvenir from france, she went there on holiday for a month! im really happy for her because she never travelled to foreign country, that was her first time! she's really nice to me, im glad that i still have friends in my life, i really appreciate their kindness to me!
stay positive!
yesterday my old friend texted me all day, i always replied in 20-30 minutes, he said he wanted to see me because he hadnt seen me all this time, its been 6 years. he had a thing for me at our high school time.
hmm i wonder what this is about,actually i have never dated anyone but my ex, i dont know if this can be called a date or not?? or just a common meeting?? do you all have any opinion about this?
no harm going out meeting an old friend. enjoy yourself.
congratulations on your graduation Lunapearl !
just go for a hang out and enjoy your company okay ! don't think too much about it. have fun ! x
hey thanx angelbear and sweetcalendula! how are things going woth you two?
hmm i just finished cycling for 30 minutes, making me feel good thinking that i am keeping myself healthy,
i want to share to all of you who havent known this book, yesterday i read john gray's "how to have what you want and want what you have", it's really good, it's like the book the power, but i already read the power and i wanted to read something else, they're pretty much alike but there are different details in john gray's, so they complete each other.
the book says i have to work on loving myself, just like this forum suggested me,then i just realized that i havent been working on myself on the inside optimally, of course i tried, but not yet optimal,
any suggestion on how to love myself? how do you all do to love yourselves?
lunapearl, I see it as both actions and thoughts. What do we do for ourselves and what do we say to ourselves?
Regarding thoughts, we all know the catastrophic sentences we say to ourselves during this time, such as, "I'll never love again", "My life is over", "I'll never be happy again". Gratitude, saying different things to ourselves, and changing our attitude about what we see happening to others are all important ways to love ourselves.
One small change I've made that I think helps is to use the word "prefer". Instead of, "I hate having to go through this....", I will change it to "I prefer I wasn't going through this." Instead of "I don't want to do that", I will immediately change that sentence to "I prefer not to do this right now". Then I can add, "I'm grateful I have the health to do this right now".
All of this takes time. The actions I take are to exercise, go to the doctor/dentist, try and minimize stress in my life by watching what I take on, going out in nature to de-stress, scheduling in things I consider fun (dinner with friends), and satisfying (completing a project).
I have a lot more work to do on all of this, especially the catastrophic thoughts associated with missing my ex in my life. That's why I have repeated to myself, and continue to repeat, "I won't feel like this forever", "It will get better", "I will be happy" and "I will, in the future, be indifferent to what he's doing".
Umm..Loving yourself?.Well I do things which makes me happy..I have started making myself my priority..Try going on solo dates..I have tried out.. Like going alone for a movie or so..I know it sounds crazy..LolZzzz..But we should learn how to be a great company for our self..I say if you can enjoy alone with yourself..That's what i would say loving yourself!
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Luna! Try going out by yourself and hang out at coffee joints with a good book, a movie, go on a trip, doll yourself up and head off to a nice restaurant and have an awesome meal. I did all that and I feel very good because all the things I do for myself makes me happy!
It's not crazy to do alone stuff, coz eventually, you will come to love yourself more than any other person. This is the time to be 'Me-centric'. Whatever you do, it's you first, and the rest will happen on it's own.
Volunteer, meet people, go on dates, join a cycle group, join a Meetup group (I did!) and get the ball rolling. Im sure you will learn slowly that keeping you happy is loving yourself for allowing that chance at your own happiness!
xoxo
samxarra said:
It's not crazy to do alone stuff
It is more crazy to hide in your home, and pretend your life is over.
If you can create thoughts and feelings of joy when you are alone you increase the chance of positive things coming back to you.
If you only feel happy and grateful when you are around people and you spend 50% of your time alone, you are losing out on adding 50% more positivity (happiness) to your life.
The whole idea of the LOA is to attract the things you want, right?
If you spend 50% of you time attracting them, and 50% repelling them, how much progress do you make?
Even 60/40 is better, but 90/10 would speed you along towards your goal of being happy all of the time in some way, shape, or form.
Stay Strong and Positive!
hey thanks willsucceed, goodlucksuccess, sam, and scott!
all your advices mean a lot to me! i really really appreciate all of you supporting me here!
yes i had my meltdowns after all this time, seems like 3 steps forward and slip one step backward
i picked myself up of course, hmm, what a journey,
i hope i love myself more each day!
im still trying to know more to improve myself
here's what i know,
we need 10 vitamins in our lives :
vitamin G (God, or whatever power that we believe)
vitamin P (parents)
vitamin F (friends, family, fun)
vitamin P (peer)
vitamin S (self)
vitamin R (relationship)
vitamin D (the ones who are dependent of us, like children, pets)
vitamin C (community)
vitamin W (world)
vitamin G2 (serving God, or whatever power that we believe)
when we have huge doses of one vitamin, it's time to shift our focus to have other kinds of vitamins, for example when we had big doses of vitamin R, we felt something missing, and that vitamin R was just not enough anymore, we expected our partner to give more and more and still, we felt something missing,
so we have to shift our focus to vitamin S, we need to love ourselves, and when we do love ourselves, we can shift our focus to other vitamins and fill us with those vitamins, then we will be happy and not feel anything missing in our lives!
so now i want to have my vitamin S, i still need practice though! do all of you still on practice or have you reached the point where you love yourselves the most?
i totally agree with Samxarra and SW ! no harm done spending time on your own ! well, to be frank, i used to really perceive that having lunch / snacks / dinner alone depicted how loser i was. and that i always thought that i needed a company. but i was so wrong. about few months after my break up, with the aid of this forum and LOA, i told myself, why not ? so i started hanging out doing my own window-shopping, get myself a good book and had my lunch. i even enjoyed strolling around the city driving all alone. and i really do embrace and cherish my own private time. it's like being in my own bubble and i'm loving it !
pertaining about self-love, i reached to a point of loving myself. how do i know that ? because i've learnt to prioritize. i always include me, myself and i at the top of every list i have. i no longer blame myself for anything ridiculous in the past. i was that girl ( call me desperate ) who thought that i would only achieve my 100% happiness by being in a relationship. by pleasing everyone, making them happy when i was entirely not. but i am no longer that person. i created a bridge, i cried buckets and i've slowly moved on. i have left her for quite some time.
believe it or not, once you really value and love yourself, all the good things will come into play.
stay positive ! x
wow . it is just day two of nc for me and i was feeling pretty low. i started reading all the nc diary posts which is really motivatign me!! scotts words either to sit and cry and pity oneself for what i have lost or focus on good things in my life hit a mark! i have spent most of my life regrettign things or crying over things i lost instead of focusing on what i could have or already have in my life! i dont want to wake up one day and realize that i wasted my life on regrets, crying and wasting my time on people who dont even deserve me! i am on rollercoaster right now. Itry not think about him but then it just hits me again!!but am working on it. please advise some good books!
sweetcalendula thanks for the advices,
i really need to work on myself more, i need more time..
i dont feel pain or anger or resentment, but i really thank him for the memories and all his support for me when i was at my worst times in the past, he really did helped me with my stuffs..is it a bad sign thanking him? im supposed to not think about him right.. actually when i think about him i just take my book and study, the study because i will have my final exam next month so i just do what i have to do, or sing on the roof, singing on the roof and feeling the wind is the me time, (i really really really love the wind blowing to my body, feels like i have the bad feelings go away! my greatest time!)
take it easy luna, you can do it
it is not wrong in thanking him, luna. at this point of time, believe it not i do have this wish of thanking him in person one day if we ever meet again for all the good and the bad memories. it made me grow into a better person. i'm sure you will feel this at a certain point later !
keeping yourself occupied is another way to put your thoughts about him aside. please focus on your final exams first dear ! you can do it ! i had my difficulty too prior my finals, but hey, i passed, and i know you will do well too ! btw, singing on a roof sounds fun ! i should give it a try, too ! x
Hey Luna, keep strong we all can do it, I believe that if you set your mind into something you can achieve it, as they say what you project is what you get, keep it up
Check in Luna! I'm back
What's going on with you? Did anything crazy fun and happy this past week?
hey ya hey ya!
yes sam i did things that made me happy! i am still on my cycling till now, keep doing it for my health! i got out with my cousins, played in timezone, did the dance dance revolution, etc, i had never gone out with them before! i played with my nieces and nephews too, i didnt know playing with them could be so much fun!
still studying for my final exam too, and i checked out my astrology for this new year, it's really fun reading the horroscopes! some of them are right haha! i checked out my chinese horroscope too, because i just celebrated the chinese new year, and on new years there's always new chinese horroscopes!
i have been in nc for 2 months! yay!
i hope i achieve more good things in my life ,
thank you for all of you supporting me to keep positive here!
I love your NC Diary LP. It is really inspiring to me. Congrats on 2 months NC by the way, you rock!
Yeah congrats! I love how positive you are
Congrats! You 2 months, and me 3 months over! We have not gone crazy, have we?
Life is good, Luna, we just have to keep calm and carry on. We have to seek positivity, breathe positivity and positivity will come back to us. You are doing well! Live strong!
hey hey hey!
thanks for those nice words takingitback and julie, i am happy, you two keep positive too, you can do it!
hi sam!you too are doing really-really well, i hope more happiness come to us! these days i am really glad because i already had my final exam, i have studied hard for it, and i put a lot of effort focusing on my studies these 2 months.
now i am waiting for the result announcement from the government.this year i will be going to an island, new place to live, new responsibilities, new experiences, new people, new everything, i pray that i do well in everthing i do.
today i checked my email for business and i saw his name on the online list, oh my, my heart raced really fast, stupid feeling after all this time, i immediately sign out, i have to be strong
Good job on staying strong luna, samething happens to me, I always fight the urge to do it.
hey hey hey!
thanks ncman! my, i think it was hard if she contacted you, but you should remain strong, for you!
i have been in nc for 4 months! well i read sugar rabbit's nc diary, sweet calendula's , and angelbear's, when they were in their 4th month or more, they are already doing well, even sugar rabbit was already indifferent to her ex! hmm, i wonder when i will reach that stage!
nc remains unbroken for both sides, i do my activities, passed my final exam with flying score ( whenever i thought about the ex i focused on my exam and i studied really hard ) now why do i still think about the ex????
Scott, in our plan, we evaluate our relationship, what went wrong and what went well, i have evaluated my relationship, there were good and bad behaviour, from both sides,
but every relationship is like that right? no relationship is perfect, and i still dont know what exactly made this past relationship broken, how am i supposed to fix something that i dont know???do i have to know what made it broken? for my next relationship of course.
well i am doing what i can to improve me, for myself
Hiya Lunapearl,
i am new here but i have read your story
keep up the good work and keep going!
it will come eventually but 6 years is a long time.
They say that you need at least 1 month for each year relationship.
That is ofcourse roughly because you can never tell.
Depends on who broke up and what the reasons are and what your own mental state is.
There will come a time when you say to yourself 'this is enough and i will not suffer any further for someone who isn't worth my feelings'.
The relationship is lost already and you need to win yourself back! Think about the time before the relationship, you were happy as well then without the person you fell in love with! but now you have some lugage which will make you stronger if you rebuild yourself and show the world you can be happy without him!
I know its easy saying but you should tell this to yourself if at any time you start thinking about him in any way...
Evaluation is something that goes naturally and works best when you are out of the emotional rollercoaster. Evaluation with emotions will bring the wrong thoughts and could bring either sadness and or anger which can result in wrong actions. Thats why the NC will eventually help out to think rationally and you start to see hidden messages just like i had.
My gf said some words about minor things to me but i did not give to much attention to it and thought "don't worry, tomorrow is another day and everything will be fine!"
Instead i should have talked with her about these problems because she wants to be understood and talk togheter about the problem. It was just a sign about something which was not right in our relationship, but if you are not giving attention to those problems in time they will get bigger when the time goes by.
Communication is really essential in a relationship, even the minor things could be an early sign.
But then again you need to do that on your own because you won't get the answers from someone else.
Maybe your relationship was getting in the same routine over and over after years? maybe he felt that it was getting boring? just to mention something as i can't really know
hope you will figure it out as it definetly helps restoring your feelings.
Take care and keep your head up!
lunapearl said:
i have been in nc for 4 months!
Congratulations LP!
lunapearl said:
i still dont know what exactly made this past relationship broken
Things will become clearer with time, it has only been 4 months, and you shouldn't compare your progress with other members progress...why?
Because everyone evolves at a different rate.
lunapearl said:
now why do i still think about the ex????
Try dating other guys.
Stay Strong and Positive!
congratulations on your 4th month of NC!
glad to know that you are doing fine!
theskyisthelimit, thanks for the encouragement!, i guess every relationship will have that routine phase and i still dont know what exactly made this past relationship broken, because every relationship has its own flaws and not all of them will be broken.
i was friends with my ex for about half a year, then we got together. and things happened slowly between us, we have our first kiss (for both of us) on our first year anniversary. in our 6 years relationship, we never had sex, we did have our boundaries, we were going really slow. and i am still confused of this break up. now i am on my way to improve me for me!
angelbear, thanks for your kind words! i am still on my way, improving myself!
scott, i think i know more about this broken relationship, i read it somewhere :
The Grass Is Greener Syndrome
The grass is greener syndrome is a phrase often used to categorize the tendency young men and women have (usually 18-23, but can vary greatly) to suddenly jump-ship and seek romantic “greener pastures”. Often, dumpees complain that they felt completely blindsided by the dumping, and that very few, if any, warning signs were sent their way prior to the tragedy.
The main gist that proposers of this “syndrome” offer, is that it all boils down to a voltile mix of cold feet and irrationality — and that given some time alone, the ex will almost always wake up one day and realize that they made a huge mistake. In other words, it’s not a real break up.
Oh, That’s Alright Then
Not in my book. I’ll go ahead and be my usual blunt self. I find the concept of a grass is greener syndrome fantastically flawed, and frankly, an unhealthy vine to swing to-and-fro from as you attempt to move on — and here’s why.
By calling it a syndrome, the dumpee shifts responsibility entirely onto the dumper in their own mind. It implies that the actions of the dumper are illogical and that this “condition” will somehow cure itself with time. Instead, I feel that there is a great deal that could be demystified with a sprinkling of objectivity.
What separates cases of G.I.G.S from other breakups? The claim is usually that of youth and inexperience. A typical breakup scenario would involve a couple transitioning from high-school to college, or college to work. All of a sudden, your partner of several years inexplicably decides to throw in the towel, and what is really confusing is that they can’t give you a clear reason as to why (either no reasons at all, or a hundred which seem to change by the day). What’s going on here?
Simply put: they have grown out or away from the relationship, but may not have realized it. The majority of us will have been through a cascade of breakups and rejection scenarios, which help shape us and narrow our “field of view” when it comes to expectations and standards of our partner. A typical G.I.G.S candidate will simply not have accumulated these existential reference points in life, which is why they are often hard-pressed to offer any kind of explanation. The main points to consider are the following:
They are young and will have changed immensely independently of the relationship.
A relationship will have catalyzed additional change.
The chances that a couple at this stage in life are on the same page after even a brief stretch of time is negligible. A couple of years can turn a person inside out with regards to ambitions, tastes and expectations. Rather than call it a syndrome then, I would call G.I.G.S a very natural and inescapable part of “growing up” emotionally.
Reconciliation
Another facet that led to the birth of this popular acronym is that there is usually an attempted reconciliation by the dumper in the near or distant future. I find this believable, but (again) not for the reasons stated. The plus side to being one of their emotional milestones, to having been this catalyst of change, is that you will have left a lasting impression. Often, you will have been their first love, and because of this — heavily idealized and romanticized within the halls of their mind. While life and growing up may have broken the illusion to some extent, they will never forget how they once saw you, and may be back now and then to see if their fairy-tale still exists.
The obvious problem with this, is that — in the words of agent Smith — you remain, irrevocably human. And unless significant change has occurred, it may all result (and frequently does) in a little bit of history repeating. So, what can a dumpee do in the meantime?
Taking steps in the right direction
Rather than scapegoat our pain and call it a syndrome, or a temporary delusion, I would urge dumpees to consider it a normal and healthy step for the dumper to take. But this does not mean you are to blame. As always in relationship breakups, it is important to face the music and summarize a list of “mistakes” that you may have made, and consider them objectively. Beyond that, however, it is also important to realize that most grass is greener scenarios involving youth stem from internal changes in dumpers that may have little to do with you. Because of this, it is important to not take it personally.
It is important to dissociate yourself from dependency and expectations from the dumper. Knowing they’ll be back because they’ll never find someone who treated them like you, and thoughts such as these, will only litter your own future with mines and pain should these expectations never come to pass. Instead, focus on improving yourself and moving on by taking life at a step at a time. The same forces that spurred the dumper onwards and away from you, will be the same that propel you into a rosy, new future — it is a double edged sword. Change. While today you may be left grasping at phantoms and attempting to fill the gaping chasm of grief and loss, time and experience will dim the pain and change you utterly. There is every chance that if an attempt at reconciliation is made in the future — you may find you simply aren’t interested!
scott, now i avoid my mind from thinking about the ex, i will not understand why the break up happened, i guess i just have to live my life as usual, now i am going to an island to practice my medicine, going away from the ex and i want to have my improved self, this wont happen overnight right? so i have to be patient at myself, i do have flaws and i want to forgive myself for this. you said that i have to be patient, right? thanks!
Well said lunapearl, I couldn't agree with you more. I know for a fact my ex is going through this herself. I guess I follow under the category of people that think their ex will come back because nobody treated her like I did. I have to admit that I do think to myself that my ex will "wake up" and realize what a great guy she had becausee i do miss her sometimes, but I just need to keep moving foward with or without her. Good luck with medical training.
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