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FREE BREAK UP SURVIVAL PLAN
Allright, so I have sent the no contact message a couple of days ago.
I didn't change anything (translated it into swedish though).
This is the copy of the NC message I sent:
"Hi,
I agree with you about the decision to break up, I really believe it was the best thing for both of us. I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over. I would really appreciate it if you didn’t contact me during this time. I will be in touch when I am ready."
She hasn't aswered to this message.
So, I guess I've now started my "personal evolution".
The last days since the NC message, I've started to look at our relationship the past months, and try to figure out what really went wrong (I think I have a good clue about this already, but I have so to say "put it under microscope", if you understand what I mean).
That's all for know I think....
Hello! Welcome Jonathan and congrats on a successful couple of days of NC! I'm glad you have joined this forum, the people on here are very supportive! Stay strong and stay focused on your personal evolution!
Reading through other people's progress on here and the success stories has helped me out A LOT when I was feeling down, so if you're feeling down, reading them will surely help! If you ever need to talk or anything, you can definitely PM me! And once again, welcome to the forum!
STAY STRONG!
Thanks
Feels great to be here.
It has been seven days today since I sent the NC message.
I haven't spoke to my ex since that. Total silence.
I wouldn't say I'm right in the mood right now. Feels pretty down actually.
Tomorrow it's new years eve, that doesn't feels very well hmmm... I can't really think of much more than what my ex are up to tomorrow...
I think I will feel much better after tomorrow.
A beginning of a new year
Feels though that I can stay strong right now. I have no need for breaking the NC.
That's something, at least...
You're very welcome! You're doing a very good job! And I understand where you're coming from, it's gonna be weird without the ex on new years but just try to have fun and keep your mind off it and by the time you know it, it'll be new years day
! New year, time for a fresh start
YOU CAN DO IT!
Yeah, I think it's great to get some "feedback"
Keeps me reminded of that I'm not alone haha...
Hope things are going well for you too!
Yes, I know. I will try to have fun on my own. But for sure, new years day will probably feel like a huge relief.
Hope to get started to get my life back then
I have a good plan in mind I think, looking foreward to get started!
hi Jonathan
you are so lucky to find this site,
you have chosen the right site.you will be successful in getting your life back.
Thanks
Hellow....
Thumbs up...
Welcome to the road of evolution..
Its rite infront of you to conquer..
Thanks again!
Feels great with support
Yeah we are all here for you. Keep up the good work. We'll all be okay.
Thanks again for all the support!
Allright, so tinight it's new years day.
So this will be my ninth day of no contact.
My ex didn't send me any happy new year message, i'd hope for it, but i didn't expect it though.
I didn't send any message to her either, i will stick to the NC.
Hope I could last at least five weeks right now (= 35 days), if my ex don't get in touch earlier. I'll see what's happening.
Tomorrow i'll start my plan to get my life back. I'm really looking foreward to it!
Right now i need some rest. Goodnight.
Happy new year! Try not to hope for a new years message or whatever. You told her not to contact you, don't expect anything more. This is a time for you to evolve without her in the picture.
And don't worry too much about the whole NC "period" - as in how many days you've been in NC and so on. You'll know when to contact when you feel completely ready. For some it HAS been 30 or so days but I've come to realize it's a lot longer for most people here. For me, it's been 4 months, give or take a little, before I realized I'm ready to reconnect. I can't wait till the time you're no longer keeping track of the days, and before you know it, it'll be a month or two of NC and you haven't really thought about your ex. It's a great feeling.
I'm glad you're excited to get your life back, though! Rock on, yo!!
Thanks
Yeah, I know, you're right.
That's true too i guess. But right now i can't help it - i count every single day haha. Think that'll be better soon, though.
But hmm, I think it's much easier right now to have a "goal", like in 35 days i am NOT going to initiate contact with my ex. I am much aware of that it will maybe take more than these days until i am ready for reconnecting. I'll keep it a goal for now at least...
Yeah! thanks! It feels great today. Still thinking A LOT about my ex, but anyway, it feels like a fresh start on the new year, and a HUGE RELIEF since last night right now
Day 10 without any contact.
Now, I have a question.
My ex has some fotos on my camera, since she borrowed it a while ago.
I don't those pictures on my camera anymore.
But since I have promised her to give her the pictures, could i just send them to her in an email? Just sending the pictures to her, without any text or anything, and then erase them from my camera?
Would it be ok? Guess i wouldn't break NC for that, right?
Checking with you guys furst....
* I don't WANT those pictures on my camera anymore.
*LIMITED TIME OFFER! - Get a 10% Discount on Your First LivePerson Session*
Sending anything including a blank email is contact, and you will be breaking NC.
I would get those pictures off, by sending it to your own email, and archive it if you want to keep it and perhaps give them to her 6 months later.
Definetly delete the pictures from your phone after you have done this.
And don't look for any more loopholes to break NC.
NC means No...that includes photos.
Stay Strong.
Haha, allright. Then i'll stick to it and not sending ANYTHING!
The pictures are on my camera (not my phone), and i don't use it that much.
To me it doesn't matter if they stay on the camera or on my email. I just don't want to have them. But actually it doesn't bother me at all or anything. So i think i'll just keep them were they are, for now at least...
Thanks for the answer anyway!
I was (and still am) in the same shithole...and it has been 6 months since my breakup.
Its tough but you got to stick with NC.
You're doing the right thing!
Jonathan said:
But since I have promised her to give her the pictures, could i just send them to her in an email? Just sending the pictures to her, without any text or anything, and then erase them from my camera?Would it be ok? Guess i wouldn't break NC for that, right?
Yes, it would be completely fine to send her the pictures in an email.
NC is not about hiding, if you have unfinished business, you need to finish it...period.
Send her an email with the subject: Your Pictures You Asked For
Then attach all the pictures, and that is it, don't write anything else in the email.
Don't ask about her personal life, the breakup, or talk about your personal life, and you DID NOT break no contact.
All you did was keep your promise to send her the pictures she took on your camera.
Problem solved!
No contact is NOT that complicated people, it is about keeping your personal life, and thoughts private, so your ex does not know what you're thinking.
This helps both of you to evolve, and not become stuck in same place.
If both of you are waiting for the other to come back, and neither one wants the old relationship back, where does that leave you?
It's time to evolve past the break up, and the "old relationship", and NC will make that happen a lot faster than anything else, make sense?
Stay Strong!
greens said:
NC means No...that includes photos.
No, it doesn't, not if you made a agreement to send them back to her.
Keeping a promise "the right way" is not breaking no contact.
Thanks SW.
So be it. I'll send the pictures without any text (just something lika "your pictures" as subject).
Feels good to ERASE THEM.
I just want them out off my mind. I don't want her fucking pictures on my camera anymore.
Think she'll understand too that i'm fucking serious about this....
I've got some books left over at her place to, i don't want them there either. But i think i'll wait with getting them back.... I don't really need them right now, and i really don't want to se her or speak to her right now either.
Still having some trouble with getting on with my plan to get my life back. Still hanging here on the forum a lot (but anyway, its great, it keeps me distracted from viewing her online profiles and so on, WHICH I AM NOT!!!!).
Just have to catch my willpower. It's getting back day by day. Think i just have to give it time....
Jonathan said:
Still having some trouble with getting on with my plan to get my life back.
Every loose end you tie up from your old failed relationship will help you to "let go" and move forward, baby steps forward are better than giant leaps backwards, right?
Stay Strong!
Day 11 since NC message. (sorry i'm still counting days haha).
So i fucked up a bit.......
First of all, i sent her the pictures she had on my camera yesterday. She has not responded, but i know that she dont sheck her email that much... Anyway i don't really care if she respondes. I won't break NC anyway. So it really doesn't matter to me.
I just wanted to get rid of the pictures, and i have erased them now. Feels good!
Anyway, so i kind of fucked up today. Didn't meant to though!
I accidentaly sent her a message on her phone. It was meant for someone else, but i accidentaly sent it to her.
So i sent her another message, were i wrote "WRONG, SORRY". Nothing more than that.
So it doesn't bother me that much, but i just wonder if i have "broken" the NC?
Should i send her another nc message? I think that would be corny, but i'm checking with you guys.
Isn't this first of all about me evolving? To me it doesn't matter at all if i accidentaly message her. I just didn't mean to.
But what do you guys say? should i send another NC message? or just don't give a damn..... ?
Jonathan said:
I accidentaly sent her a message on her phone. It was meant for someone else, but i accidentaly sent it to her.
It depends on what the message said to ascertain whether or not you broke NC.
You shouldn't post a daily update of no contact, write that in your home journal.
Use the forum to post questions you can't find an answer to, or to share tips on staying focused on the plan.
Example; You faced a challenge, and this is how you over came it.
Avoid talking about your ex on the forum as well, this just makes other members think of their ex's.
You are all here to encourage and support each other, not to tick days off a calendar.
Stay Strong!
Allright. Understand.
Well, if it depends what the message said;
I replied to a message from a girl in my class, who i met on new years eve.
She thanked me for having a great time.
So i replied thanks, and that i also had a great time. And i asked if we'll see each other on wednesday (first lecture after winter spring).
(but of course this was what i accidentaly sent to my ex instead...)
That's all.
Did i break it?
Jonathan said:
Did i break it?
It doesn't seem like it, but you need to take your ex off your phone to avoid any more "accidents".
If you were really serious about sticking to NC you should have already removed her from your phone.
If she (your ex) replies, just ignore it.
Yeah, i know. Big mistake. So i've taken care of that right away...
So i've got yet another question:
(i am not that skilled on how to search on this forum yet, but i haven't found any answers yet.
maybe someone could tell?)
Anyway, i've got these books over at her place.
I've gived it some time to think about, but it REALLY distracts me from "evolving".
I am distracted by the thougth that i necessarily just HAVE TO reconnect to her in the future if i should get my books back.
The last think i want to think about right now is that i have to connect to her in somehow in the future. It really distracts me.
So what do you say? should i ask her about the books? just unfinished "business". Or is it a really bad idea right now?
I would give it some other days to think about though, and i will see how i am feeling about it in the weekend maybe or so.
But the thing is, couse i know the situation between us, i don't think we could solve it in another way than me meeting up at her place and get the books. So i have to meet her then, even if it's the last thing i want right now.
What do you say?
I would ask for the books properly, decide a day, go there, try to be "nice" (= NOT rude, emotional or any other crap), get the books and then get the hell out of there as quick as possible.
Is it a stupid idea? I am really distracted by this right now...
Jonathan said:
So i've got yet another question:(i am not that skilled on how to search on this forum yet, but i haven't found any answers yet.
maybe someone could tell?)Anyway, i've got these books over at her place.
What do you mean you can't find an answer, scroll up about 7 posts...Geez!
This is the same as the fucking pictures drama.
Jonathan said:
What do you say?I would ask for the books properly, decide a day, go there, try to be "nice" (= NOT rude, emotional or any other crap), get the books and then get the hell out of there as quick as possible.
Now, just sit down and start making a list of EVERYTHING she has of yours (and you have of hers), and then contact her (shared business like situation...see the free plan/NC links) and set up a time to meet in a public place, and exchange ALL your stuff once and for all.
Obviously you will not discuss anything personal, talk about NC, or the breakup, right?
Problem solved.
If this is too much to handle, ask a friend to come with you, or to pick it up for you...simple enough?
This is NOT rocket science, the harder YOU make NC, the better your chances of failing become.
Some people can handle it, some can't and they get banned.
Som updates.
So it has gone about 2 weeks of NC, and i actually feel a lot better.
I've started running regularly. Soon i'll look for a new gym and start working out. Also have plans for start swimming again.
I am back at the university and it feels really great.
I have contacted some "nature" and "outdoor life" organisations, hoping to get more active there soon.
I have start online dating a bit more, and it gives me kind of and egoboost i think.
My "personal evolution" starts out pretty well, i geuss
*
Gaah. Starts to get a bit angry though.
For the last days i have thinking things through, and i concluded that i wan't my books back which are still at my x place (these books are the last things i have there, so i just wan't them back so i can stop thinking about that crap anymore).
So yesterday i desided that i had to contact my x (business-shared situations).
Tried to be as short and to the point as possible.
So her is the conversation:
Me:
Hi. I would please have my books back which you borrowed from me. Which day next week can I come and pick them up?
X:
Which books? Okay, well i need to check when i can...
Me:
My books. Check it asap.
X:
I bring the books with me to my job. I am working saturday x-x, and sunday x-x.
Me:
I can't this weekend. I am not at home.
X:
Okay, i work monday, tuesday and friday next week. Thanks for sending me the pictures!
Me:
Ok. I am not going out to your job to pick my books up. I pick them up at your street door or at central station, choose yourself. When can you?
She hasn't answered yet.
So who takes for granted anyway that someone will go out to their job to get there things back!!??
I am not going to at least! Fuck that!
Hope i didn't been to rude or screwed up, think i did pretty well myself.
Anyway, i feel like i have controll over the situation. And i am NOT giving that controll away
Not having a dig here bro, but to me it sems you wanted to score a point on your ex just then...I have shit loads of stuff at my exes, I dont care, she can keep them, sell them. NC is about no contact. I would have forgot the books and just left her to it. If you really needed them, I would have been polite, popped over, grabbed them, thanked her, walked away. No chit chat, small talk.
Stay strong..from reading your diary it seems you are looking for reasons to make contact, ie photos, books. Dont do it man!
haha yeah. Thanks for answer.
Mr_WKA said:
Stay strong..from reading your diary it seems you are looking for reasons to make contact, ie photos, books. Dont do it man!
Yeah, i know it maybe looks like that if you read my diary, but you know what, i actually don't wan't to talk to my ex at all. Right now it feels like i don't give a crap, i don't want her to contact me. Guess that's some progress with NC. Just wan't my life back right now, NOT HER.
Mr_WKA said:
I have shit loads of stuff at my exes, I dont care, she can keep them, sell them. NC is about no contact. I would have forgot the books and just left her to it.
And yeah, i have thought about just don't give a damn about my things and stick to complete silence. But hey! It's MY THINGS. And I WAN'T THEM BACK. period.
Mr_WKA said:
If you really needed them, I would have been polite, popped over, grabbed them, thanked her, walked away. No chit chat, small talk.
Well, yes. That's was wy though too actually. Until she fucked up and start talked about bringing them to her fucking workplace and that shit. I mean NO. Just give me my stuff back. No hassle. It wouldn't be that hard. Fuck her...
Exactly! Stay strong Jonathan, having read all your diary you are doing well. Stay positive.
:twisted:Thanks again.
Well, so i've thought about this, and i def think i did the right thing.
This i about me getting my life back, and me staying in control.
I think it's good to create boundaries for this purpose.
Boundaries like:
1. Realize what you wan't. (If YOU wan't YOUR things back, then get them back. period. Don't try to forget about them or anything like that just because you'r in NC. That's just crap i think)
2. Don't agree about any stupid bullshit (like agree to going out to pick up your things on some stupid place, like your ex's workplace, just because SHE think's it would be better/easier that way. BULLSHIT!)
If someone gets angry (my ex in particular) then let them be!
This is about MY boundaries.
There is no other way around them but accepting them
DOES THAT MAKES SENSE OR WHAT???
Haha, what a fucking DRAMA!
When i read through my posts i feel like a fucking cunt.
Sorry about that. Thanks Scott for not banning me
So yes, i fucked up a bit about some "unfinished business". Still not finished, but who cares. Didn't "break" NC though.
I figuered out that i've got better things to do.
Done is done, and i'm back on track
In just a few days it's been a month since i sent the NC message.
I havn't posted anything here for some time.
Been busy, and this is pretty much what i've been up to:
* Continuing reading academic philosophy at the university in my region.
* Start working out on the gym again.
* Start running regularly again (even started long-distance running a bit again).
* Looking for a new appartment/room for move in to town again (i'll go check one out TONIGHT!).
* Started dated again. Have been dating a quite nice girl for some time. + i've both seen and talked to some other girls. Nothing serious yet, but i'll see what happens.
* slowly started to reconnect with a political party where i've been active for some time ago, plus i've slowly connected with some other organisations (like one of the biggest nature conservation organisations in sweden).
* I've plans to start writing again (political and philosophical issues etc.).
* I've also plans for maybe taking a "hunter-examination" (don't know the english word hmm) this spring, if it's not booked up allready. I'll check it up this weekend.
* Planning to give more time to "outdoor life" and "nature-experiences" this year (probobly my favourite interest). Not started yet though.
* Last year i've been looking for a kayak to buy, and i'll continuing looking for that i think, hoping to spend some time on the rivers and seas this summer maybe.
So, I am feeling a LOT better actually. Think i am starting to get my life back.
Actually, i am feeling really exciting!
I'll just stick to NC. It seems to work really well
Oh, and some more things i forgot:
* I've started to take care of some "medical problems". Feels great.
* Deleted my fb-account. (Really guys, listen to Scott about this! This is one of the best things one can do while in NC).
* Well, i am a musician too, and i've continuied playing in orchesters ands "bands". I've also had the onor this year to start play in a swing/jazz big-band (as lonely drummer), which is pretty good around my region.
* I've always eat "healthy", so i can't say i've changed anything about that. But i've started eating omega-3 (capsules). These are "anti-depressive" and i really recomend it!
Jonathan said:
* Deleted my fb-account. (Really guys, listen to Scott about this! This is one of the best things one can do while in NC).
Excellent Job Jonathan!
Keep up the good work, and...
Stay Strong!
PS - I have never been kayaking, but I am going do it a lot this summer. That's why I moved to NYS, great place for outdoor adventures. We live right by a river (The Chemung River) but it is kinda shallow in places. Kayaking looks like a lot of fun, and helps build upper body strength. I am gonna tear it up this summer. Nothing can stir your soul like Mother Nature can...it is pure magic.
Jonathon, good to see and good to hear about the exciting things in your life! I have done nothing but live in nature...running on trails, snowboarding, bouldering/climbing, ...There is nothing like it, in fact i know there isn't...I have grown so much because of these experiences that I allow myself.
It's okay to feel the way we do when we go back and read our old posts...I enjoy it actually, I get to see my evolution most...esp. when you go back and read your own journal entries. Feels good to leave them in the dysfunction, while your living your dreams.
Not to sure if you have picked up your things yet or not, but try your best to get these things settled. I found myself rushing my evolution, to try and meet a date. Which was the same time i would pick up my things....no thank you, i saw my error. And if its just a few books, do this for yourself...because SW is right it will just hold up your evolution, it did mine...and im working hard to make up for the steps i took backward.
Enjoy the process
@ Scott:
Thanks
I am glad to hear about your kayaking-plans too.
"Nothing can stir your soul like Mother Nature can...it is pure magic."
You are so right!
@ Big Brush: Thanks again. Good to hear things are going well for you too!
Well, about this book-drama.
I figuered out a way to solve it.
I just checked up how much i had to give for a pair of new ones. They were cheap actually, so i ordered them (at least the two who i really wanted back. the rest, about two or three books i think, is some i don't need or want anyway).
So now i just don't have to give a damn about those things anymore.
(mistake to that i didn't do this in the first place instead, but i can't change it, and it doesn't matter anyway now does it...)
At least, i can just focus on evolving now, and stick to NC!
Allright. Haven't written anything here in a while. Have been kinda busy.
But i've got som big updates to share.
I've actually reconnected with my ex.
Well. I am not going to write pages about my mental states. Of course it feels right, i hadn't done it otherwise.
Yes i still do want her, but i certainly not need her. And i am damn sure about that. And i've got this forum for thanking.
Enough of this. So here we goes:
I reached out to my ex girlfriend last monday (it'll be alomst 2 months of NC, about seven weeks i think, except for that book drama). I rang her but she didn't answer. She rang me back (maybe i should pick up but what the heck, so i did).
Simply: i asked her for a coffe, just to see how she's been doing. I suggested thursday (today) and i time, and she agreed.
So we met today for 30 min (i said goodby after the time limit).
I guess it went kind of allright. I didn't expect much.
I dressed my best
I acted sheerly and happy (because i AM happy :D)
There was some tension between us though.
Or: there was a tension from her (don't know if she was just nervous or just indefference towards me)...
We talked about: job / school, her pets, family, interests, some medical problems of her etc. (nothing "personal" or about nc).
We said goodby and wished each other best luck.
That is pretty much it.
I didn't asked or say anything about an further date, and neither did she.
Afterwards, i don't feel so much. It was nice talking to her. And i would gladly see her again. But i feel no rush or need to do it.
I guess i will call her again in a week or maybe longer, i don't know.
Right now i'll just focus on what i am doing: evolving!
And it feels damn good!
The reconnection went quiet fine, as i've written.
Expect for the tension from her.
I am beginning to think i have evolved a hell of a lot more than she has under this period.
Anyway, i feel really great!
I've just recconected with my ex, and i don't feel a shit.
It would be fun to see her again (as she in fact is a great girl), but i feel no rush to it.
I am so much a different person than since i joined this forum (and my time here is almost just a minimum).
Anyone in doubt: THIS WORKS! Nc really works, at least to get your own life back!
Anyway, I have a question which i havn't found an aswer to elswere;
So i guess i'm in some sort of reconnection phase right now...
And in some time i'll probably reach out to her again. I'll wait at least 2 weeks (since her tension), and see. Maybe longer bc i'll be pretty busy during the end of this month haha...
Anyway: is it a really bad idea to just call her? Not about a date or anything, just call her and talk about anything.
I am asking this because i don't know how she'll interpreted this if i'll ask her out again too soon (again: about her tension). Feels i have to have a little more to go on.
AND: in the beginning of our relationship when we met, we spent a whole lot of talkning on phone (and that's one of the things that brought us together).
BUT: I totally understand the concept of this should be like "meeting someone you just met" (a "new" relationship), so i will not fall back into the "old" shit again.
Is there anyone with some experience from this? Is calling your ex for some chitchat after reconnection a good idea? Or are there creepholes??
I think its a good idea at least haha, but maybe i am wrong :O
Anyway, i couldn't find an answer really here on this forum (hope it's not me being just stupid haha)...
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