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jane_eyres NO CONTACT diary
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I HATE SPAM! Read Our Privacy PolicyPosted 11 months ago jane_eyre
offlineInactiveI'm new here, hope it's ok to write this much in the first diary-page...
My ex boyfriend broke up with me 15th of march this year. We've been together on and of for 6 years.
This was our third fight in 12 months, I raised my voice since he didn't listen. I think he drinks too much. And mutual friends, mostly his guy friends, thinks that they haven't seen him this happy and stable for a long time, and they give me the credit for that.
The have heard his version, but still they think he was the one at fault.After the break up he texted and called me, I didn't respond to the text messages, but to the one phone call.
We've slept together twice:
The first time he kept saying it didn't mean anything.
The second time he said he missed me, wanted to have kids, that all our friends wants us to be together, and wanted us to move in together, he knows I don't want that right now.I told him on Friday 25th of march, evening, to delete my number and that I didn't want to see him for a long, long time.
The reason was that he wanted to stay friends - with benefits.
I haven't heard from him since then.To day I sent him THE NO CONTACT-email:
I agree with you about the decision to break up, I really believe it was the best thing for both of us.
I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over.
I would really appreciate it if you didn’t contact me during this time. I will be in touch when I am ready.He wrote, after one hour or so, on my email:
"Take all the time you need.
Hope to speak to you as a friend in the future.
although I do not take it for granted
We are here when you have figured it out."I didn’t reply and start my personal evolution.
Posted 11 months ago #-
OuchYaThink
offlineInactiveI read your break up story. Sounds like a lot of unhealthy thigns there, not that I am one to judge. Now is the time to put yourself first and figure out what you want. This forum has done wonders for me and it has only been about a week. Stay strong and be positive. You will hear this a lot. Its because strong positive people are very attractive. There are lots of people in the same boat here, and it is not all smooth sailing, but the boat has left the dock and doesnt seem to be taking on any water. Aaaargh, forgive the nautical anology.
Posted 11 months ago # -
jane_eyre
offlineInactiveDAY ONE OF the No contact:
The sentence that really struck a core to me from the free plan/or one of the articles was:
If he can forget you that fast... it wasn't true love, that is for sure.
This is what NC is all about, getting your life back, and getting to the truth.
It's better than living a lie, don't you agree?Yes, totally!
This is MY time.
I've been so "him oriented".It also felt so empowering to send the No contact email.
I slept a couple of hours more than usual to night. Great.
And didn't think of him in a "miss him way" when I woke up, only:
I have to buy groceries and do my french lesson (I study french).And thank you, OuchyaThink!
I like the nautical anology.
No next step is finding a buddy.
Posted 11 months ago # -
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Posted 11 months ago -
jane_eyre
offlineInactiveDay 2
I have a question.
Do I delete my ex boyfriend from Facebook? I don't want to, but is that breaking the No contact from my side? I also have his email. That's it.He deleted me from facebook the next day after he sent the break up text message, we were a couple with names on facebook/in a relationship with so and so.
A couple of days later he sent me a "be friends", or what it's called on Facebook.
I said yes.I don't use Facebook to write what I'm doing. Never have
I write once a day, and that is quotes from a film called Withnail and I.I use the private message on Facebook when I want to say something to someone.
I do chat, but with a handful of people, not my ex.
He hasn't chat or written on facebook wall since he asked to be Facebook friends.My ex uses Facebook almost everyday, always has.
Writes on his «wall» many times a day. Not from his phone, but while he is at home.I check his facebook a few times a week - tops.
What do you think? Please help!
With the help from my buddy, I have gotten tips to buy books about Codependency.
Ordered both books earlier to day.Thank you, Buddy!
Posted 10 months ago # -
jane_eyre said:
I check his facebook a few times a week - tops.Close your FB account, and live in the real world.
You will only be tempted to spy on your ex, and your ex knows this, and he can use his FB account to make you squirm and break NC.
If you are smart, and you want to evolve as quickly as possible don't fuck around with FaceBook, and don't talk about it on our forum.
This is covered in the forum guidelines, you know that post you read and agreed to follow before joining our forum.
Stay Strong and Positive!
PS - I don't waste any time at all on FB, that is why I have the time to do something useful with my life like create/maintain my Blog, and this forum (among many other things). If you can't/won't stop using FB, I have just 3 words - Get A Life!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
Learn How to Create The Destiny of Your Choice
FREE Step-by-Step BREAK UP SURVIVAL PLANPosted 10 months ago # -
kittykat
offlineInactiveWelcome to the forum! You will find a lot of support here. Congratulations on starting NC! It's a tough ride but we have all been there and felt heartbreak. Time and patience are your friends and NC is all about you!
Definitely delete FB. Friends will find a way to contact you and you don't want to give any of your new found power away to your Ex. Have a read through PinkChincilla's NC diary. It will give you a sneak peak at the lengths that some people will go to on FB. Also, anything that you hear about your EX right now is going to hurt you and hinder your healing. You DON'T need that! It always works out badly when you check up on your ex and it certainly doesn't endear you to them. NC is about you... but it also allows your Ex to have space and a chance to miss you. They can't miss you if they know that you are waiting for them! Close that door and start living your life!
It's time for you to find your happiness!
Stay strong and be positive!
...the purpose of a doormat is to wipe your feet on it, not love and respect it. – BalthazarPosted 10 months ago # -
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Posted 10 months ago Allswell
offlineInactiveI agree with kittykat about giving your ex space..just concentrate on YOU
Posted 10 months ago #-
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Posted 10 months ago jane_eyre
offlineInactiveDay 6 (first weekend without my ex)
I have wonderful Karma; my friends are so supporting. They take turns on calling me, texting me, or asking me out or if I want company.
Two days ago I went to my best friends house and spent the day and night with her and her two kids and husband.
She also had a fun activity for us: playing Nintendo game called Buzz, crazy funny robots doing silly things, easy to play and fun. My best friend was amazed at how good I was. To her son's irritation, he wanted to win!
I think I'll put it on my resumé: Amazing buzz-robot-player!Yesterday my sister, asked if she could stay with me from Friday till Saturday.
Today is Saturday, and after work I have plans to meet up with two girlfriends and go out.
On Sunday I'm going to my mother and spending the night at her place.
Next weekend I'm off to Paris with my two sisters and our father. Bon séjour!
Even though I feel not so great inside, it helps to listen to the MOMU when I can't sleep.
As my therapist says: Your ex's reactions are not the truth!
Posted 10 months ago #-
myerabeni
offlineMemberHey JE
I know what ur going through, I also had to see a therapist in my first week of the breakup coz I was not eating or sleeping. Seeing the therapist was a great help, i even started eating after the first session. But I must say that the forum has been more helpful for me coz its free n I can log on anytime I need to *wink wink*. Keeping busy n spending time with family n friend does wonders for u.I'm glad u have cancelled FB, believe me when I say it never works out well. I learnt the hard way. My ex didn't have an account but after finding out that his new gf was checking up on me n showing my ex, I started viewing her updated and got really hurt. She would post updated of how happy they are and all the stuff he buys her n that really hurt me. Only to later find out that all this was a lie, she was posting them for me. I stopped checking her FB when I joined here n I've never been happi
er.The therapist is also very right so try to forget about ur ex for now n concentrate on u. Good luck
Posted 10 months ago # -
jane_eyre
offlineInactiveI wanted to share my tarot/horoscope for today:
The Empress card suggests that you should join a support group or club that will give you a good environment to grow in. Without the proper advice and people to help you it is much harder to realize your dreams. The Empress card shows that such a group is within your reach if you try to find them.
Posted 10 months ago # -
jane_eyre
offlineInactiveDay 10
Demain, à cette heure, je suis à Paris!
I'm going to Paris with my wonderful father and two younger sisters.
Looking forward to order i french, buy tickets and just walking along the seine.This will be my second trip to Paris. 'urra!
So now I have to pack: Passport, tickets, money!
I'm having a good day and evening today.
I even told my second joke (I usually joke and make people laugh quite often) since my break up.
And it was in french!
The joke/punch line:
My french teacher said, when my classmate asked what jogging was in french.
She answered: you can say: la course à pied or faire du jogging.And I replied: Je faire du shopping, c'est mon cardio.
= (I like going shopping, it's my cardio). A got a laugh.It's a start ...
Posted 10 months ago # -
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Posted 10 months ago jane_eyre
offlineInactiveDay 13 (very unlucky)
Just got back from Paris. Had a wonderful couple of days.
When I was in Paris I felt over the moon. I felt complete and over my ex, I think because I was on holiday, I felt and acted different than I would have, had I been home in Oslo.
I write in my journal, have made plans for the next month. I don’t check my mobile phone every minute. When I get a text or a call I think: Oh, mom or Oh, a friend. I have asked three different people to help me with blind dates. I have done so many things. Yet I was not prepared for what was to come ...
Ex text-ed me Thursday evening, couple of days ago, I was having the best time with my family in Paris, thinking to my self I can do this! I don't need him.
First text:
Hey you. Any chance for me to visit you to night and talk? Nothing is final. Go cougars!
My comment: (Hey you and go cougars are inside jokes)I don’t respond
Half an hour later:
I know it’s a rotten thing to do, but I don’t have an IKEA-solution to this either.
I don’t respondHalf an hour later:
All I am asking for is one conversation. I can’t live without you. And you know I am not bluffing.I don’t respond
I feel great. But since I am in Paris and no Internet what-so-ever, until I get home!
I don’t have any chance of sending the no contact letter. I don't have it in my mobile, or I could have sent it as text.C'est la vie.
But I also feel terrible. And then happy, then just thinking of all the good times with ex. Suddenly I feel as if we are a couple again. Because of the three text.
I want to write this so that others can be warned when the ex does contact you, after just three weeks or less.
It’s easy to think: I will be prepared. I will just feel happy.
No, you will feel terrible, happy and miss him.
You will feel, if you don’t have the forum for support, as I did because of no Internet, and the journal thing doesn't work that well for me without the forum as back-up, that this invincible feeling is bad. You will feel that since you do feel invincible other times, that this time, it is telling you to break no contact. That you only feel invincible because he text-ed you. You feel terrible for having such power. Even if you feel great; You now know that he misses you and wants to see you.
I know I am talking about my self. And not you guys, but I don't think this is an abnormal reaction.
I need some help.
To day, Sunday, I answered the text, I broke No contact:
I felt so happy (Yes, even if I just wrote that you would feel terrible, you also will feel happy and at ease), and because I was in Paris, where I spoke French, and made my self feel proud every hour of the day, I felt beautiful, chic, loved by my family, and alive and: I can do anything!My response, three days later by text:
My feelings for you are the same. I feel as if we are in a Dogme film, where the two characters are standing on each side of the same door, and both want to open the door, but both are too proud. You know that I love you. I was so happy to receive your text. Did you mean it? That you can’t live without me? That is exactly the same way I feel. Time stands still without you. It is you. It is you. It is you.(I chose in-side-things we share, like: It's you, it's you, it's you, and other things from the text that he sent that he has used to describe how he felt for me just a month ago, the only thing in text that was from me was the Dogme part).
Of course I have not heard from him.
I really need some friendly help and support.
Because I now know why some one can kill the one she/he loves ...And I need to know why does he contact me? Why not just get another girl if he is horny or lonely. Help! Have I ruined my chance to make him wake up and "smell the coffee".
I feel so angry and tiered. I know that I can live without him. And I know he is playing cat and mouse with me. But why? And why is he being so ugly about it?
I have already sent No Contact.
Gaah!
Posted 10 months ago #-
jane_eyre
offlineInactiveThank you, Wildhuntress
I stayed up late last night reading your break-up story and your NC diary.
Your ex sounds exhausting.Thank you for responding. And the warning. I needed that.
I also got a lovely response from my wonderful buddy before I went to bed. It really helped.
Posted 10 months ago # -
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Posted 10 months ago Allswell
offlineInactiveHi J_E..I agree with Wildhuntress..he contacts you because HE CAN..he got to you,because you were weak..why have a reminder about him on your planner?Will you forget he
s a Liar?If you read that every day,he will be inside your head..where you dont want him.. Great that you resent NC..now,just concentrate on YOU..forget about him..let NC do it`s stuff..
you`ve got control back..he will try again..I hope you stay strong..everyone here is behind youPosted 10 months ago #-
jane_eyre
offlineInactiveThank you for your support, Allswell.
I've read your break up story and NC diary and I can see that you are doing a good job, and that you are a great support.
You are right, he really got to me - big time - and I'll never forget he is a liar. I'll delete it from my journal. I just want to be prepared, and not trip again.
I feel prepared and in control. And so happy to have this Forum.
I just got my copy of the book Codependent no more, must be the Univers way of giving me more tools to be even more prepared! Haha!And thank you for writing: «everyone here is behind you».
Today I really needed to be reminded of that!Now it's jane_eyre-time.
Posted 10 months ago # -
wildhuntress
offlineMemberSurround yourself with good people, Jane. People who lie to you steal your life from you. It is more important to them to fabricate a life for you so they can slip things by you than to than for you to be able to build your life in a state of reality.
It is an insidious virus, and you don't realize how deeply you are effected until time passes and it all starts unraveling.
NC in addition to everything else will give you space to find clarity so you can take your life BACK. The Universe placed you HERE in THIS place for a reason. It's a GIFT to be here, now. Open your life back up
Posted 10 months ago # -
jane_eyre
offlineInactiveI agree completely, Wildhuntress; when he lies he changes my story as well.
I need to put myself first and the rest will fall into place.I feel lucky to have such a big support system; my family, friends, my wonderful buddy, you guys, my journal, my out-of-this-world-therapist and a good head on my shoulders!
Thank you for all the moral support!
Posted 10 months ago # -
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Posted 10 months ago Bluebell
offlineMemberHiya Jane,
Hope you are feeling ok and more positive now.
He is an ass for doing that, you deserve so much better!
I think sometimes it is an ego/control thing with these exes.
Take back the control now, go back to no contact and focus on YOU!
As sw would say stay strong and positive.
Good luck, we are all here for you! BB
Posted 10 months ago #-
jane_eyre
offlineInactiveThank you for caring and for asking, Bluebell. How are you?
I am much better. It really helps to read other members diaries.
I know now that he only texted me because NC worked, and it will again, and he paniced since he doesn't have a copy of MOMU. Haha! (He has done so many of the mistakes from that book it crackes me up just thinking about it). And me responding made him at ease again.
I wont do that mistake again! Gaah!
Posted 10 months ago # -
OuchYaThink
offlineInactiveSave a horse, ride a cowboy! Yippee kaye Yay MFer! Here is to both of you Jane and Jane, you are here working on your life wanting to never get stuck in a dead end relationship again. They are staying their course which is good for making dead ends.
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Posted 10 months ago kittykat
offlineInactiveGood for you Jane Eyre! You're very right! NC is working on him and he is starting to panic! Let NC work its magic on you both and you will be very surprised to see where you end up!
Stay the course. Paris was great for you... and your confidence is starting to shine through on this forum! Keep going strong! Be positive! If it is meant to be... it will. Only time will tell...and you're out finding your happy future right now!
...the purpose of a doormat is to wipe your feet on it, not love and respect it. – BalthazarPosted 10 months ago #-
jane_eyre
offlineInactiveDay 4
Thank you, Sarahjane, OuchYaThink and Kittykat, for your support
This is truly a beautiful forum. So alive and filled with wonderful ideas and people!
Today started as a slow and not a good day, but it is getting better.
My best friend called, we had a long chat.Tomorrow I am going to have some drinks after work with another friend at her place.
And being here with you guys, reading diaries and articles. And watching Sex and the city episodes where they experience (sometimes strange) break ups, helps to ease the pain.
And it helps to laugh. Even if it is just a little chuckle.
Posted 10 months ago # -
jane_eyre
offlineInactiveI agree, Bluebell. And I even laughed some more today! Have a wonderful weekend!
And thank you, Kittykat for the PM!
Just read my own break up story, and had a laugh. (Highly recommended for everyone to reread your own break up story).
Even I can now see that he sounds bizarre.
Il est bizarre ce Monsieur.I was having a hard time letting go of my past relationship, but reading my own break story, and with some distance, so it feels like I am reading someone else's break up story, I get that it was not healthy.
The reason I revisited my own break up story is because:
My best friend of 32 years called me yesterday and told me, at the end of the conversation, that my Ex was contacting her trough «the online site we do not talk about/or think about». I didn't know this, since I don't use it anymore. My best friend is married with two kids, my Ex knows this, he also knows that she is my confidante. She tells me the contact is very friendly, just comments on her status, when she writes about family life, her kids etc. She thought it was nice, but strange, since he never has done that before. This has been going on for the last week. Thus, before and after my second NC-letter.
I just thought to myself: Something is happening.
And since he is concentrating on me - so should I.I can see that I am (and was) the strong one in the relationship, that I was not clingy or needy; I used to do, and did, and still do, a lot of things other than spend time with my ex. He usually complained that he never got to see me more than two-three times a week, that was a big deal to him, he missed me, I guess, but I'm an adult and I need my space, and time for my friends, my family and myself (I call those days "dates with myself". I have had dates with my self for the last 12 years, highly recommended. I exercise, give myself a facial, and do something I love, like work on an assignment - I love my job, I work from home as a graphic designer, when I sit in front of my Mac it is like the Mac has arms coming out of the screen to give me a big warm hug - I know it sounds a bit Poltergeist, but ...).
I hope everyone is doing well! Bon weekend!
Posted 10 months ago # -
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Posted 10 months ago jane_eyre
offlineInactiveI need some help from the forum/Scott:
My ex's best friend just texted me:
This is a strange message, but (name of my ex) wonders if he can call you ...?Please help!
I don't want to to anything stupid. Or do something and then post, like I did a week ago. I need advise.
Posted 10 months ago #-
jane_eyre said:
I don't want to to anything stupid.Too late.
Just the fact that this situation "mystifies" you doesn't say much about you taking the time to read (and understand) about the no contact rule.
Your ex wonders if he can call you...
Hmmm, this is a puzzler.
You sent the NC message, right?
He can fucking read, right?
OK, assuming he can read, he already knows the answer to his question, so why did he get his friend to ask?
He is trying to get under your skin, and make you squirm, and it is working, why?
Because you have no faith in the plan, yourself, or his love for you...make sense?
You're worried about "pushing him away", and that is just what will happen because deep down inside, that is what you believe.
The question isn't what you should do about his "latest" lame-ass attempt to get you to break NC, it should be, why are you here in our forum in the first place?
If you don't believe (and trust) what you're doing, you shouldn't be doing it, and that goes for everyone.
Do you see the flashing exit sign?
You are heading straight for it.
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
Learn How to Create The Destiny of Your Choice
FREE Step-by-Step BREAK UP SURVIVAL PLANPosted 10 months ago # -
Georgeh-1980
offlineMemberjane_eyre said:
I don't want to to anything stupid.Please whatever you do, don't make contact in any way.
No calls, texts, e-mails, word from mutual friends, etc etc.
I have already learned this from experience that any contact with him right now will make you feel like shit. Even if it's just something you hear from someone else.
Do you wanna feel like shit? I bet not.
Posted 10 months ago # -
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Posted 10 months ago GreenEyes1
offlineMemberOH JE, I just read your break up story. Let me just say I lived with and was married to a man for 12 years who "drank too much". More honestly, it is a problem of alcoholism and it will truly drive you, the person who deals with him, CRAZY. Alcohol is an addiction. I know it hurts. I know you're starting to see the light from your break up story... but you have to keep looking hard at the truth. It is more than "drinking too much". I used to tell myself the very same thing about my ex. They will NOT change. You cannot love them enough to make them change. PLEASE find an Al-Anon group. It does not sound appealing to you right now, but you need to go to at least a couple of meetings. It helps to hear others who are going through the same thing and what you are going through when you live with someone who "drinks to much" is INSANITY. They teach you that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over all the while expecting different results. When you are with someone such as you've described, however wonderful he is deep down, their first love is their alcohol. Nothing will ever trump that for them until they get help. And I would not wait for him to get help... just my opinion. My ex is still a drunk and we've been divorced for 9 years. He just happened to find someone who was a drunk too, and well, statistically speaking, that won't last long either. Please read and educate yourself on this! It is a pattern of behavior that you want to recognize so you don't get sucked in again! Hugs to you.... been there.... it's hard, I know....
Posted 10 months ago #-
kittykat
offlineInactiveStay strong Jane-Eyre. NC is the time for you to heal and evolve. You will find a happy life with or without your Ex. You just need to want your happiness enough to stick to NC.
Take care and be positive!
...the purpose of a doormat is to wipe your feet on it, not love and respect it. – BalthazarPosted 10 months ago # -
Georgeh-1980
offlineMemberjane_eyre said:
Sorry everyone for my last post.No need to apologize.
jane_eyre said:
I know I am not suppose to vent on this forum.If you need to vent just PM someone. I'm here if you need me.
And I agree with Greeneyes about the drinking thing. It's not your problem. It is his problem and he's the only one that can fix it. And that's only if he wants to. It's up to him alone and you can't force someone to do something they don't wanna do ok.
I'm sure you have tried to get him to stop drinking and it only made it worse by doing that. No one likes to be told what they can or cannot do. If he won't help himself then you are probably better off without him.
It's time to help yourself. That's all you can really do at this point.
Take care Jane.
Posted 10 months ago # -
jane_eyre
offlineInactiveHappy new year, everyone!
Well, my ex broke up with me ... again. On new years eve 2011.
We got back together just a few weeks into NC, in April 2011, yes, premature reconcilitation.He changed some drinking habits, and it looked like we made progress.
But: I was not ready. He was not ready.This is what premature reconcilitation looks like:
The reasons he gives now for breaking up with me is: He wants us to live together and for us to have a baby. And that he isn't that invested in the relationship. And that he isn't in love with me anymore.
I am ready for both things, but not with someone I don't trust, and who drinks almost every day, uses drugs, and has broken up with me twice in one year.
Just one of the reasons should suffice. Haha!
On new years eve, (a night he acted like a maniac, and my friend, we were only three people, felt she was in the play: Who is afraid of Virginia Woolf, he acted as if he was at an entire different party, he drank and drank, saying that it was great to be at grown up party, and that he was so mature. He would almost only talk to my friend, and even if she didn't engage in the conversation, he would say: OMG, me too!, and: I love you, you are so cool! To my friend).
After the party he spent the night at my apartment. There he told me that he can't wait for me to be ready, I am 33 years old, he is 30, so he is going to find some girl, that really wants to have a baby - fast, he wants to meet someone he doesn't have any baggage with, and get her pregnant fast. (Makes me think of the awful Ace of base song: All that she wants).
But, he continues, it is sad since you, Jane_Eyre, are my dream woman, and I want you to be my best man in my wedding. That is how much I love you. And I still feel that if it can't be Jane_Eyre, then stop everything.
He also tells me he wants to have an open relationship, till I, Jane_Eyre, don't want to anymore, and then we need a break, and then we can be friends. And be warned, the next time I meet him, he'll probably be a happy dad.
So today I sent the NC-email:
I agree with you about the decision to break up, I really believe it was the best thing for both of us. I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over. I would appreciate it if you didn’t contact me during this time.
I will be in touch when I am ready.I have got rid of/deleted everything that reminds me of him. His phone number, e-mailaddress, tooth brush, etc.
I am still hurting, but this time I am so over being treated like this.
Sick of feeling like I have been taken hostage.It is time to break free.
If he thinks he is Gods gift to women, I am asking for the receipt.
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