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Daphne's NC diary
(31 posts) (8 voices)-
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I HATE SPAM! Read Our Privacy PolicyPosted 4 months ago daphne_555
offlineInactiveWeek 3 of NC when asked for "time to think."
I sent the email:
Hi,
I agree with your decision to take a break, I really believe it is the best thing for the both of us right now. I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over. I would really appreciate it if you didn't contact me during this time. I will be in touch when I'm ready.
D
Day 1 NC all over again.
Initiating any contact at all jangled my nerves. But I know there was a possibility at some point of hearing from him again since he left it so open ended and we had a lot in common. I'm just going to have to trust that even if I never talk to him again, sending this message was the right thing. I had read other letters that seemed completely out of line with what I would say and seemed to leave things too much in their hands. This message, in my opinion, was the only acceptable way to get across that perhaps he doesn't have all of the power. That I'm not waiting with open arms for him to treat me the way he did when he left it.
I am truly ambivalent about whether or not I want him back. But I want to take the the right steps in case at the end of NC period I still do. I am proud of myself for having gone NC from day one after hearing that he wanted a break. I am already partially healed. It was a short relationship that initially seemed to have much potential. I guess we'll see how this progresses. I'm definitely open to learning to act assertively and not be walked over. This plan appears to provide waht I need for that.
Posted 4 months ago #-
goodlucksuccess
offlineMemberHey D..Welcome to the forum..Just read your Break up Story!..Actually in a relationship a person is taken for granted only when he/she gives his/her own remote control to the other person involved in the relationship..That's one common mistake which most of us ( who are a part of this forum and otherwise as well) commit..And that is how we give the other person a right unknowingly to treat us any how they feel like!
All the forum members here are present for their evolution and to get their remote control back in their own hands( i.e their life back).Stick to the NC plan and surely you will regain your original self.Take care!
Stay strong and positive.
Posted 4 months ago # -
daphne_555
offlineInactiveThanks goodluck. I find that I do that in my work, friendships and apparently romantic relationships. I need to fix this everywhere. I don't get much of what I need from people because of it. I wish I had learned this much earlier in life. I plan on getting rid of that. I'm a confident person, but I do give my power away and I'm aware of it. That counteracts any confidence I start out with.
Posted 4 months ago # -
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Posted 4 months ago goodlucksuccess
offlineMemberHey..a small piece of advice..Stop expecting anything from anybody.It hurts when we find that the person for whom we care so much is least bothered about us..But its normal humane nature that we do set up expectations with the person we are close ..If you really wanna expect anything from anybody..Then let that person be you..set up your expectations with yourself..( To come out of the mess (thoughts) of your relationship with the guy who has been taking you for granted)
Take care!
Posted 4 months ago #-
welcome to the forum!!
God grant me the serenity to accept things that I cannot change....
The first step toward change is acceptance.
Change is not something you do, it's something you allow.
Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you.Posted 4 months ago # -
shapingup
offlineInactivehey daphne...
welcome and great job in sending the NC message. it's a difficult thing to do, to see and accept our own faults, but even more difficult is committing to changing these things about ourselves. i am walking with you in this journey... we all are, my friend, so know that you are not alone!:) this thought gives me great comfort and i hope it will do the same for you.
Posted 4 months ago # -
daphne_555
offlineInactiveThanks you guys. It was really difficult. I feel almost like I'm back to square one. However, I know that the sting of what I'm experiencing now will be mitigated by taking my power back with that email. Even if I never see it, I know that I just told him he's not holding all of the cards. That I'm not waiting here to see what scraps he might throw on me someday. And now he knows it too. Short term pain for long term gain.
I plan on keeping my power from this day forward. No more negative behavior that gives it away. The nc email was more assertive than I'm used to being with that person. I hope it shakes him up the way he shook me up. Although I don't want to create confusion and drama, he began it so I don't feel as bad. I'd rather he share in it. I'm not afraid of pushing him away. He's already gone. And if he didn't come back after experiencing some of his own pain of loss and taking me for granted, I don't want him to.
Posted 4 months ago # -
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Posted 4 months ago daphne_555
offlineInactiveStill Day 2 of NC.
So I've been reading a lot on here. I know I could have continued on in nc, and healed sooner and been done with this. I would have always wondered if I handled it the right way.
Being here and reading the SW's advice is like the kick in the ass I've needed. I feel like the "break" or whatever was a wakeup call. I knew it instantly when it happened to be honest. I feel like I have never really known how to reel a guy in that I really wanted. I have been reeled in by guys that I was always ambivalent, because I knew they needed me and wouldn't leave me. But that didn't mean I wanted to marry them.
I'm not saying that I want forever with my ex. I am still trying to figure that out.
All I'm saying is that I realize that there are off putting behaviors that I had that showed my hand too soon. That made him take me for granted. I know this, because I've been out on a few dates with different guys. Good looking, successful guys. And they started pushing me away by talking of the future and what not. The guy that I liked the best, actually asked me "Do you really want to see me again, please be honest." And then "What do you like and dislike about me?" He sounds so insecure and like I'm the holy grail for him. And I was initially pretty darn attracted. Now I'm not sure I want to see him again. It's amazing how people want to feel free. It's amazing that any couples settle down at all. I read the Passion Paradox, and it's overwhelming how human nature will sabotage happiness. We all seem to want what we can't have and take for granted that which we already have. I don't understand it, but I don't ever want to go through waht I've gone through before so I'm going to learn how to not emit the slightest neediness. Even if the ex was the one who showed it everywhere. I'm surprised that I didn't turn tail on him and run, to be honest. But I wanted a relationship and despite his neediness (which was 100x worse than my one indiscretion,) I wasn't terribly turned off. I can say that I would pull back a little because it seemed too soon. He wanted things to happen too soon and then bailed when he started to get me.
In retrospect, I realize that I've been in his shoes too many times to count. I've taken people for granted, only to realize later that I shouldn't have. To be honest, I'm smarter about that though and didn't take anyone for granted that was good for a relationship with me. I guess I'm used to being the one with the power in almost all of my relationships. I'm pretty independent. This last ex is only one of 2 that has ever broken up with me. I'm going to get myself back. I'll keep dating in the meantime.
Posted 4 months ago #-
daphne_555
offlineInactiveSW,
I have read a lot of your advice, and I have to say that you're the best out there. I was curious about what you mentioned about no contact needing to take 6-9 months. Do you think that's appropriate for a short term relationship as well?
Also, my biggest question is where you talk about Mimi's ex feeling like he wanted to see others and maybe she wasn't the one for him. I know the guy I was with started to panic. He did really like me. But towards the end I felt like he was scared about getting into a relationship (although he was the one pushing it forward faster than I would have liked.) What does a woman need to do to remain just a little out of reach while the guy's going through the uncertainty phase? Do you have to always be aloof? I'm capable of doing it when I'm not terribly crazy about the guy but finding it more difficult when I do. I need to figure this component out. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks
Posted 4 months ago # -
daphne_555 said:
What does a woman need to do to remain just a little out of reach while the guy's going through the uncertainty phase? Do you have to always be aloof? I'm capable of doing it when I'm not terribly crazy about the guy but finding it more difficult when I do. I need to figure this component out.Relationships shouldn't have to be this much work. If a guy is uncertain, I would say that is a big red flag, back off.
I am not a relationship/dating guru, but this is what I recommend, just be yourself.
I know it sounds too simple, but what else can you be, right?
This isn't a hunt, you don't need to see the object of your affection as your prey.
Too many people see it this way, and they get caught up in the whole game and never even stop to think about whether this person has what it takes to go the distance.
Don't worry about being what other people want you to be, figure out what you want to be, and become that person, and then you will attract the right guy for you.
Don't change to please anyone but yourself, otherwise you are changing for the wrong reasons, and it will backfire on you in the end.
I have a profile on a dating site, and if you ever read it, you would tell me I am crazy.
You would say I will never get a woman with that profile.
I would tell you I will never get the "wrong" woman with my profile...why?
Because I am not trying to sell myself, I am just being myself and freely expressing myself.
They either like what they read and see, or they filter themselves out.
I don't go on a lot of dates, but I don't spend a lot of time with women I am not comfortable with either.
I don't need/crave attention, what I need is to be accepted for who I am.
That is what everyone needs.
I am done playing games...except for maybe monopoly.
I am not saying that I don't still have a few things in my life that I want to tweak, (everyone who is honest with themselves will admit the same thing), but over all I like the kind of man I am, and I don't want to compromise that just to get someone's attention.
I could do it, I could play what a woman wants me to be, but for how long?
And to what end?
I don't know if this is what you wanted to hear, but it is how I feel about dating and relationships.
If you can't be yourself, you are with the wrong person.
Stay Strong and Positive!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
Learn How to Create The Destiny of Your Choice
FREE Step-by-Step BREAK UP SURVIVAL PLANPosted 4 months ago # -
daphne_555
offlineInactiveThanks SW. I guess sometimes I read into other people's stories as if I had been a needy person, when I'm really not. I just couldn't understand how someone could back off after something so minor. My friends have all indicated that there was definitely a red flag with his behavior & when he got so weird over a party. I'm not one to ask where someone is, call and text a lot and generally need to keep tabs. He actually did that a little.
I had a nightmare date tonight, but I think it taught me something. We were having fun, the most fun I've had since the breakup, and I was starting to think this guy could be a keeper. He has all of the trappings. He's successful, smart, funny and good looking. But he's overly serious, overanalyzes and is too needy. We had spoken about how we like relationships to go, and for the second time I told him I like to go slow and get to know someone and don't dive deep into anything too fast. He argued with me, not the first time, and mentioned a woman he dated before that did that because she was emotionally available. I told him we didn't appear to be on the same page. I do not want a high chemistry, go nowhere relationship. I want the real deal that builds over time. I want to go slow and get to know someone before I give intimacy or time. He continued to argue and I was completely turned off. He can do it his way with someone who wants fast like he does. I do not. What he did mention about the woman that wanted to go slow, is that she was not over an ex of some years. And it hit me that the ex was probably in teh same boat. I can't believe I didn't realize it at the time. The fact that he would put me on hold and go back online the same day should have told me that he has no couth and that he does have some serious issues.
I am dating, but that's part of the reason I wanted to go slowly. I want it to be right. If I move on, I know it'll be over for the guy I mentioned. I will have loyalties elsewhere.
So the date was a nightmare, but I think it took off my rose colored glasses for the ex. I'll see how I feel in week. But I aim to get myself back regardless.
Posted 4 months ago # -
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Posted 4 months ago willsucceed
offlineMemberDaphne_555, you may find "Love Must Be Tough" helpful to read. Like the "Why Men Love Bitches" book, the premise is that one has to have their own life and sense of worth to be attractive to others. We have to be willing to walk away.
Regarding your ex, yes, actions speak much louder than words.
Was this a first date with this person? I don't have any experience here, but I agree that mapping out how a relationship will go is a little strange to do with someone you don't know.
Posted 4 months ago #-
daphne_555
offlineInactiveDay 3 NC
Thanks Will. I've actually re read Why Men Love Bitches, in the 2nd week of no contact. I re read a number of books. I do have my own life. I was not always available, and I didn't give into his tests to change my life to suit him. I wasn't needy up until the very end, and it wasn't super needy to begin with. I think he was just a guy who got scared for whatever reason. We had an enormous amount in common.
I'll take a look at Love Must Be Tough.
The date I had last night was a second date. We had discussed relationships prior, and I was getting a niggling feeling that the guy was controlling and neurotic but he had a lot going for him so I gave it another shot. It turns out my initial assessment was accurate. It's unfortunate.
I would like to be able to say that there was one thing I did to cause the recent breakup with the last guy, but my gut instinct was that it was so small that it really had to be him. And that, I cannot control.
I'm starting to visualize him in the rear view mirror. 3 weeks away and despite the intense fear I had at sending teh nc email, I'm starting to forget what he looks like and his ways. We didn't date long enough for him to be engrained. I'm feeling pretty grateful about that.
I have found teh Passion Paradox to be the best book I've read so far. I found it interesting that I was the one up for 7 of the 8 weeks. One week flipped on me. How bizarre.
Posted 4 months ago # -
willsucceed
offlineMemberI haven't read that book so thanks for letting us know about it. It helps me right now to read books on relationships since I haven't been on the dating scene for so many years I don't even want to write down the number. I'm only now getting to the point of thinking about dating. I had one date earlier on so I could get the first date after my breakup over, but now I closer to being truly receptive to coffee or lunch. Not there yet, but moving toward it.
I've been trying the rear view mirror thought process as well. To think of him getting smaller and smaller as I move in another direction helps.
Posted 4 months ago # -
daphne_555
offlineInactiveWill,
Are you exercising and getting seratonin? I have found this and good nutrition are key to getting to the point of feeling good. If you feel good physically, it tends to bleed over emotionally.
Despite the anxiety I had on joining this site and sending the nc message, I'm feeling better again because of the exercise. Ok, and dating.
Posted 4 months ago # -
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Posted 4 months ago -
daphne_555
offlineInactiveThanks Will for the book recommendation Love Must Be Tough. It is a lot of the same thing as in Passion Paradox. It's been a great read so far. It gives me the missing link to relationships. Interestingly, I have more often than not found myself to be the one that feels entrapped in relationships. One that was headed towards marriage, the man was passive aggressive & very selfish and codependent. I literally felt like I was suffocating. I had to get out of that one. However, I'm nothing like the people that have made me feel entrapped. I give a lot of space, because I require it. I don't talk about the future, because I don't know for certain that I want to include them in it. I tend to take it day by day and see if the person is sincere.
That being said, I will learn to be a bit more of a challenge. I did speak my mind and tried to dump the ex when he went back online. I just let him back in too easily when he offered a dumb excuse. I feel like I have 90% of what it takes to allow someone to feel free. I just have to work on the remaining 10% of being a challenge and NOT being fearful when they show distance.
No man is worth going through the pain of losing your dignity. Ahhh. That feels good.
Posted 4 months ago # -
daphne_555
offlineInactiveDay 4 NC.
"But even when divorce was reported by those who wrote, the advantages of quiet self-respect as opposed to unbridled panic were usually apparent."
"There is nothing risky about treating oneself with greater respect, exhibiting confidence and poise, pulling backward and releasing the door on the romantic trap."
On talking about the risk of backing away from someone who is backing away from you, or setting boundaries in a relationship with someone who is withdrawing or cheating.
These are the two things that prevented me from calling or emailing or texting in the 3 weeks prior to coming here. I won't spare my dignity. I would rather walk away in peace and with dignity and allow someone to feel the vacuum (or not) than to try to change their mind. I do not want someone who doesn't want to be with me. Plus, by walking away I said, IN ACTION, that I will not tolerate NOR REWARD shitty behavior. How he handled things was pretty shitty. He'll have time to think about that now that I'm gone.
I feel so close to healed. I'm starting to think about my responsibilities again. Just sad that I was treated like crap, but I'll get over it.
Also, read in Love Must Be Tough that almost every relationship that heads towards marriage has at least one breakup somewhere. Considering my married friends that met online, I have to say that only one did not breakup. And I have noticed that there seems to be a lot of breaking up getting to the alter. I do not understand this. For me, when someone lets me go and get over them, we're over. It's too late after that point. Interesting phenomenon tho.
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Posted 4 months ago daphne_555
offlineInactiveGah. I got through an entire movie, a Twilight one no less without shedding a tear or thinking of anyone. Kept remembering that "My quiet dignity and self respect are worth more than he is." But it's Sunday, I got a little bored and I'm thinking about him again.
Somehow, when you don't get a reaction or results, it makes you waffle a little. But I'm sticking to my guns. Eventually, the route I'm headed, I'll forget it. I have to remember that the self respect is worth being alone.
Posted 4 months ago #-
daphne_555
offlineInactiveDay 6 NC
Had a reversal of all of the good feelings that were building. I'm not sure what's happening or why. I thought that I would be over this in the next week. It was a setback, and I don't understand.I was doing really well. No crying at love stories, feeling really strong. Now, I want to escape and move away. I want to fast forward 2 months and stop this feeling. Logically, I know that this is all the passion paradox problem. I was not in love with this guy yet. So why is it still bothering me?
I almost made the irreversible error of contacting him too! But then I came back to my senses. lol
Posted 4 months ago # -
willsucceed
offlineMemberdaphne_555, great job on not contacting him!
It is an emotional roller-coaster and knowing that does help. You know that you won't feel like this forever and it will get better. I would just say that over and over during the down times and still do, although the down times are much less frequent and definitely less intense.
There are now much more happy times and I'm interested in life again. That's great because I've developed and will continue to develop positive changes in the life that I'm taking an interest in again.
It will only get better for you.
Posted 4 months ago # -
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Posted 4 months ago daphne_555
offlineInactiveDay 7 NC
I realized that Scott was right about the red flag of ambivalence in the beginning. He kept telling me how much he was into me, talking of the future as if it were certain, and about missing me only a month into the relationship. He was a future faker.
I shouldn't have let him talk me out of dumping him when he went back online after we had the exclusivity talk. He made an excuse, but then 3-4 weeks later, it comes out that he really still wanted to see what was out there.
I can't believe I have been trying to figure out what I did wrong and beating myself up over being needy. I'm not a needy person, it just didn't make sense.
He just wasn't ready to be in a relationship. He wanted the trappings, but not the responsibility. He was selfish.
That's not what I signed up for. So I have no choice but to let him go. I will take it day by day, but I doubt I'll try for a reconnection. Gotta stay strong.
Posted 4 months ago #-
polkadotpandas
offlineMember[quote]I will take it day by day, but I doubt I'll try for a reconnection. Gotta stay strong.
I like this line. Good job and great realization
people say "move on!" when really it's an extremely slow process. I'm excited to see how things progress for you though and hope for the best!
Posted 4 months ago # -
daphne_555
offlineInactiveDay ?? of NC
I had to rule out my date from Saturday night, but was extremely pleasantly surprised by my coffee date today. He was pretty awesome. Cute. Smart. Funny. And he dug me. I told him that I'm not in a rush, and he said he respected that. I don't want this to end up being a rebound. He seems like a great catch, and I'm excited to have the chance to get to know him.
The ex wasn't the last guy on earth, and clearly not the last guy I'll date. It's really nice to have a clean slate with someone that is positive.
I really hope this means no more thinking about the ex. But I'll take it one day at at time. There are no guarantees, and this is pretty damn fast to find someone great this early on.
Posted 4 months ago # -
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Posted 4 months ago willsucceed
offlineMember"My quiet dignity and self respect are worth more than he is."
This is a great thing for all of us to remember, thanks for highlighting it.
I really hope this means no more thinking about the ex. But I'll take it one day at at time.I've found this really important to remember, especially the second sentence. I've learned that I can't always predict my emotions, and that the coping skills and strategies we are learning here are for the long haul, for the ups and for the downs. They help me guide myself in the right direction.
Posted 4 months ago #-
daphne_555
offlineInactiveI'm feeling better, little by little. I had another date with a guy that seems to think the world of me. However, I'm uber cautious and unwilling to put up with any smack like I did with the last guy. After our second date, he mentioned wanting to cuddle. Big red flag. We're dating, not in a relationship. Stop talking like we are! Guys do this all of the time to fast forward a relationship. I'm not having it.
It's interesting that what Scott said was true. Too big of advancement tends to lead to a quicker backtrack. I have moved forward big time several times, only to find myself confused again and it was really uncomfortable and painful.
However, I am feeling calmer now. I have had several enjoyable dates with different people. I've had FUN AGAIN. I had 4 great guys pursue me, and almost all of them told me I was the bees knees and best of online. Ok, it maybe smack but I'm willing to hear it. lol.
The ex isn't the last guy. I do not have to accept crappy behavior. I will be just fine. I'll be better than fine. I'll be awesome. Before i met him, I was a happy, productive person with a lot to offer. I will be just as happy again. I am the prize.
Right now, I do not wish him ill. I am somewhat indifferent. I am sure he's hurting. I'm almost sure he realizes that there are consequences to his actions with me now. At least I can be sure he respects me, since I didn't run back after he decided to treat me so poorly. But do I want someone who would overplay their hand that way and disrespect probably the best girl he's ever had? Probably not.
I've seen the sunset again, and it was beautiful. I have had my first post breakup kiss. And it was nice. I have had moments of sheer fun and forgetting what happened. The moments I think about him are fewer and far in between.
The cycles of vacillation are decreasing. I have a great life. I need to learn to appreciate it again. Without him.
Posted 4 months ago # -
daphne_555
offlineInactiveI opened a success story, like others, not to say that you will always get back together, but to state that you can get yourself back and that the plan does work. Steve, I think your criticism was over the top and unduly harsh. I followed the plan to a T. So what gives?
I sent the letter. I went no contact. I worked on myself. I moved on. I let him go. He came back. He was filled with regret. He made another mistake. In the process of trying to "win me back" he went back online where he knew I'd see it cos I was online again. I set a boundary and said that I wasn't interested in reconciliation, since he clearly still wanted to play games. Then things got intense, due to his desire to get things going again. After learning what I've learned here, I had to say no again. He wasn't evolved. Had I not known these things, I might have accepted him back and not stood my ground. But I did. Isn't that the point of this?
I didn't take back someone who wasn't evolved. I was honest in that, I must not be fully evolved if it bothered me that he was playing games. There was no crying or begging. There never has been. I turned him down.
Isn't a part of the formula that at some point when there is contact made, you have to see where they're at? When he contacted me, I was at a great point. I was happy again, and almost completely felt like my old self again. If you can point out what I've done wrong, I'd be happy to know. To me, it was a success. It does not always consist of getting someone back, especially when they're still doing the same stupid things they did before you broke up.
As it stands, he still wants to be in my life. He still wants a chance. I don't want to reconcile at this time. And I'm uncertain if it's a good idea to remain friends at this stage.
If this isn't following the rules to a T, what consistutes doing so Steve?
Can you not give anyone credit for working really hard at this? For having faith in this site and doing things that seem counterintuitive because you're looking for long term gain and not short term?
And lastly, how is 4 months of no contact considered too soon when the person contacting you said he made a huge mistake?
Posted 2 weeks ago # -
daphne_555 said:
If you can point out what I've done wrong, I'd be happy to know.You broke NC/reconnected too soon, and now you are in the "just friends" zone again, which makes NC pretty much useless.
daphne_555 said:
And lastly, how is 4 months of no contact considered too soon when the person contacting you said he made a huge mistake?People will say anything to get someone to cave-in...his plan worked.
Actions speak louder than words.
Did he respect your request for no contact?
No
Did you wait at least 12 months before considering reconnection?
No
Did either of you fully evolve past the break up?
No
Should you still be a member of our forum if you can not follow a simple plan?
No
daphne_555 said:
If this isn't following the rules to a T, what consistutes doing so Steve?Who the fuck is Steve?
You don't even know my name although it is probably posted 100's of times in our forum, that goes to show how much reading you did on our forum, or my Blog.
You need to pull your head out of your ass, and pay attention...seriously.
You just sent the NC message and marked off time waiting for a response from your ex.
If you had been keeping up with the plan you would know that you need to wait (at least) 12 months for the best results, and then consider whether you want to reconnect or not.
99% of the members who did what you just did, failed.
I wonder why?
Buh-bye!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau ~
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